Dream JobWarm enough today now all the same.  Got very close in the afternoon.  I had to take the cardigan off.  Busy enough, mind you.  Busload of young banjo players from Carrick-on-Suir and then, would you believe it, five minutes later, a busload of accordion-players from Carrick-on-Shannon and then a busload of Melodion players from Sikinos.  The racket they made!  Marvelous version of Por Aul Dicey Riley they all did!  Gave them a great appetite all the same.  The only things left in the shop when they were gone were two chamomile and gooseberry teabags and a Club Milk that looked like someone had slept on it.  I’ll have to do a big shop in the morning now to restock.

Ambrose has taken this whole “Futurizing the now building a better tomorrow today!” thing very seriously.  He comes up to me after they’ve all gone.  Says he has a venture for us.   Do you now? says I.  I do, says he, Celbridge Analytica, he announces, and holds up this piece of headed stationery.  What’s that? says I. a sex toy shop? I couldn’t be having any truck with the likes of that!  No, no, says he.  Data mining, says he.  What, like with computers and internets and the like? says I.  Not at all, this is artesenal, says he.  Go on so, says I.  Well, says he, we follow people around the Spar and see what they buy and what they pick up but don’t end up buying and then we put flyers through their letterboxes depending on what we notice.  Isn’t that a bit creepy? says I.  Àh sure they’re all living out loud in this town these days you have to get with it, says he.  You have to thrive to survive, says he.

So Ambrose will be in the Spar all week following people around and I’ll be one me own here in the hut.  good thing the weather will be miserable.  We shouldn’t be too busy.

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Dream Job Quiet enough now today all the same.  Terrible close.  I probably didn’t need the tweed jacket and the geansai.  Minibus full of of throat singers in from Thurles after lunch on Monday.  Ate me out of house and home and finished off the pound cake.  I’ll have to do a big shop at the co-op.

I have a two young couples from Dublin staying down below in the holiday home for a fortnight  The rang that the telly was on the blink and wouldn’t play DVDs so I went over to fix it. I unplugged it all and plugged it back in and the damn thing wouldn’t work at all then.  And Ambrose away all this week!  So, now the little black and white from the bedroom is on top of the telly and plugged into the satellite and that seems to be sort of working.  No idea how Ambrose set the fecking thing up at all!

Anyway they seemed like a nice enough crowd until they started in asking for a second sponge for the sink.  I told them in no uncertain terms: one sponge and one J-cloth.  Just to keep things civilized.  The last time I left out two sponges we had terrible trouble – ended up with a commune of tantric psychedelia for two months – all sorts of going on and the lot of them wandering around naked at all hours with the curtains wide open.  Couldn’t be giving them a second sponge, would leads to all sorts of trouble.  One sponge and one J-cloth should be enough for anyone.  Any more just leads to all sorts of perversions.

 

Busy graphs help rattle punters

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Following the partial success (the other part was complete failure) of Operation Open Shut the increasingly erratic Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline issued the following statement:

Operation Open Shut was only partially successful despite the valiant efforts of Botch and Bungle, uhm, I mean, Wedlock and Mandible, uhm, you know who I mean the two wrench like wraiths we borrowed from the London Olympics who really didn’t do that good a job when you think about it.  [Mumbles indistinctly]  We are now considering the Glass Hammer Solution.  This simple and elegant solution will drop a huge glass hammer onto the oil slick (it’s glass so we can see through it to aim).  This will disperse it into globlets small enough to be retrieved in the average pleasure craft.  We will pay a bounty of $100 for every barrel returned to our temporary headquarters in Camp Fuck Off Public No Admittance.

We expect manufacture to take 5-8 days and the design phase for helicopters large enough to carry it out to sea to be complete by June 18.  If I might be so bold as to quote the Irish Nobel winner Samuel Beckett: “Try again.  Fail again. Fail better.”  Now if you will excuse me I have to play in a five-a-side rugby tournament in Dubai.

Wall Street analysts shook their heads and walked away in the direction of Gargle McDargles Irish Pub on Pine Street.

The Next Shiniest Solution

 

Botch and Bungle to the Rescue!

 

Stung by accusations that 2016 was too long to wait for a spaceship to another planet, Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline released this statement: 

We are aware that Top Kill was not quite the success it might have been and that Starcluster Gateway is a long way away for many people so in the interim we are going to go ahead with Open Shut.  This involves sending a large plastic bag filled with bath toys and letters of protest into the plume, having that fail and then sending down a giant scissors operated by the finest technicians on loan to us from the Olympic Committee to cut off the bit if broken pipe sticking up.  Hopefully that will succeed and I can get back to assembling my new lawn furniture. 

I know some of you will say this sounds like the silliest idea yet but I urge you to look at the picture.   These are no ordinary scissors! 

Wall Street analysts were conservative in their estimations of the potential impact of this new strategy.  A Goldbag Sacks Spokeslemming said: 

While this continual spewing of oil and gas represents a potential upside for oil and gas futures in a holistic forward-looking supply-demand shortfall scenario, we do expect to see some volatility in the nail clippers, scissors, shears and lawnmower sector. 

BeePee's Past Success Story

CEO of BeePee Moxy Potline says that they have had the solution to the problem for months but have kept it under wraps while they focus grouped a sexy name for it. 

We decided that we needed something with the market presence of “Top Kill” so we held off until we had something really impactful.  That’s not to say that our attempts thus far to fix the leak have been just for show – they just look that way.

Starcluster Getaway will involve relocating the entire population of the planet to nearby Sigma Centauri 5.  We belive that the system can support life.  Well, it can certainly support as much life as the Mexican Gulf.  The first ships will begin leaving from Stoke-on-Trent as early as 2016.  In the meantime we implore everyone to be patient and keep their chins up, especially when swimming.

Shares in BeePee rose sharply and then exploded into fairy dust following the announcement.

 
 
 

Busy graphs help rattle punters

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