Dream JobWarm enough today now all the same.  Got very close in the afternoon.  I had to take the cardigan off.  Busy enough, mind you.  Busload of young banjo players from Carrick-on-Suir and then, would you believe it, five minutes later, a busload of accordion-players from Carrick-on-Shannon and then a busload of Melodion players from Sikinos.  The racket they made!  Marvelous version of Por Aul Dicey Riley they all did!  Gave them a great appetite all the same.  The only things left in the shop when they were gone were two chamomile and gooseberry teabags and a Club Milk that looked like someone had slept on it.  I’ll have to do a big shop in the morning now to restock.

Ambrose has taken this whole “Futurizing the now building a better tomorrow today!” thing very seriously.  He comes up to me after they’ve all gone.  Says he has a venture for us.   Do you now? says I.  I do, says he, Celbridge Analytica, he announces, and holds up this piece of headed stationery.  What’s that? says I. a sex toy shop? I couldn’t be having any truck with the likes of that!  No, no, says he.  Data mining, says he.  What, like with computers and internets and the like? says I.  Not at all, this is artesenal, says he.  Go on so, says I.  Well, says he, we follow people around the Spar and see what they buy and what they pick up but don’t end up buying and then we put flyers through their letterboxes depending on what we notice.  Isn’t that a bit creepy? says I.  Àh sure they’re all living out loud in this town these days you have to get with it, says he.  You have to thrive to survive, says he.

So Ambrose will be in the Spar all week following people around and I’ll be one me own here in the hut.  good thing the weather will be miserable.  We shouldn’t be too busy.

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sign

Terrible quiet now that it is off season but sure I come up to the hut anyway to listen to Radio 4 and watch the wind and do the crossword.  No rain today so took the opportunity to clean the little gutters that were full of moss and, for some reason I can’t quite fathom, Skittles.  Maybe the birds do be eating them?

Dream Job

Anyway I had a coupon for this crowd of innovative disruptors or disruptive innovators or whatever you call it in Sligo that said they could increase throughflow at the Cliff Experience by 80% and after the coupon it only cost 65 Euro so I gave it a lash and filled out their stupid questionnaire form online and sent it off.

 

So this morning this envelope arrives and with this feckin perspex sign in it.  Apparently I am to put this sign up where my whole “team’ can see it.  I could got new shoes with that 65 Euro.  I suppose I’ll put it up in the shop, that’s where most people will see it.

 

 

As they say in the worlds of merchandising and TV rights negotiations: It’s the Bountiful Game!

Is your sporting event becoming tainted by crass commercialization, widespread cynicism about how host nations are decided, TV rights negotiated etc etc?  Have no fear!  All you need is an innocent-looking forgettable cartoonish mascot to be the mirror to the smoke of the corporate PR.. 

Please move towards the side exit!

Please move towards the side exit!

Anyone remember Wenlock and Mandeville?   Naranjito?  Ciao?  Kaz, Ato and Nik? Of course not!  And so the World Cup in Brazil 2014 has come up with another masterful mascot of merchandising:  Fuleco! 

The name is apparently “a fusion of the words ‘futebol’ and ‘ecologia.’” Curious that it is also an anagram for Fuel Co.  How one calculates the ecological effect of the manufacture, sale and subsequent discarding of all the cheap tat emblazoned with the mascot is presumably a very arcane branch of statistical analysis in dire need of corporate funding.

This too is notable: “The three-month public voting campaign, supported by FIFA Partner Coca-Cola, proved to be popular as the Brazilian public came out in force to cast their votes. More than 48 per cent voted for Fuleco™, ahead of Zuzeco (31 per cent) and Amijubi (21 per cent), making it the unanimous winner.” 

Cartoon lizard-like thingy brought to you for fun and profit by enormous business concerns.  Enjoy!

 

Busy graphs help rattle punters

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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Following the partial success (the other part was complete failure) of Operation Open Shut the increasingly erratic Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline issued the following statement:

Operation Open Shut was only partially successful despite the valiant efforts of Botch and Bungle, uhm, I mean, Wedlock and Mandible, uhm, you know who I mean the two wrench like wraiths we borrowed from the London Olympics who really didn’t do that good a job when you think about it.  [Mumbles indistinctly]  We are now considering the Glass Hammer Solution.  This simple and elegant solution will drop a huge glass hammer onto the oil slick (it’s glass so we can see through it to aim).  This will disperse it into globlets small enough to be retrieved in the average pleasure craft.  We will pay a bounty of $100 for every barrel returned to our temporary headquarters in Camp Fuck Off Public No Admittance.

We expect manufacture to take 5-8 days and the design phase for helicopters large enough to carry it out to sea to be complete by June 18.  If I might be so bold as to quote the Irish Nobel winner Samuel Beckett: “Try again.  Fail again. Fail better.”  Now if you will excuse me I have to play in a five-a-side rugby tournament in Dubai.

Wall Street analysts shook their heads and walked away in the direction of Gargle McDargles Irish Pub on Pine Street.

The Next Shiniest Solution

 

Botch and Bungle to the Rescue!

 

Stung by accusations that 2016 was too long to wait for a spaceship to another planet, Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline released this statement: 

We are aware that Top Kill was not quite the success it might have been and that Starcluster Gateway is a long way away for many people so in the interim we are going to go ahead with Open Shut.  This involves sending a large plastic bag filled with bath toys and letters of protest into the plume, having that fail and then sending down a giant scissors operated by the finest technicians on loan to us from the Olympic Committee to cut off the bit if broken pipe sticking up.  Hopefully that will succeed and I can get back to assembling my new lawn furniture. 

I know some of you will say this sounds like the silliest idea yet but I urge you to look at the picture.   These are no ordinary scissors! 

Wall Street analysts were conservative in their estimations of the potential impact of this new strategy.  A Goldbag Sacks Spokeslemming said: 

While this continual spewing of oil and gas represents a potential upside for oil and gas futures in a holistic forward-looking supply-demand shortfall scenario, we do expect to see some volatility in the nail clippers, scissors, shears and lawnmower sector.