work and sanity


Dream Job

Fourteen!  14!  Fourteen feckin applicants I had up at the hut yesterday  for the job handing out the flyers for the Dolphins.  They’d all seen Boss Shanahan’s version of the ad .  Apparently it is all over the internet.  One young wan came all the way from Monasterevin.  All sorts of degrees and diplomas and masters and choir competencies or something,  the lot of them.  I couldn’t understand half of what they were saying to me.  When I googled some of the stuff I remembered this is what came up:

So, needless to say, I am none the wiser for that and still have no one to hand out the flyers so I hung them on a hook beside the cakes in the tea shop and maybe people will take them.  I put them outside the toilets at first thinking that way everyone would see them but I think some people thought that was the toilet paper cos we had awful cloggage from them.

The Cliff Experience Reception Experience (Disruptive Innovation in the Prefab Hut Space)

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Dream JobCold enough, mind you.  But since I put the insulation in the sides of the hut and that draft excluder round the door, I only have to have the small panel on the Super Ser lit if I keep my coat on.   Have to keep the window open a crack though or I start seeing things.  The young fellah who hands out the flyers for the dolphin spotting broke his leg last night playing pool in Gogarty’s so I’ll have to put up an ad in the window of the Eurospar.

The Cliff Experience Reception Experience (Disruptive Innovation in the Prefab Hut Space)

The Cliff Experience Reception Experience (Disruptive Innovation in the Prefab Hut Space)

Dream Job

When the sun shines on these windows you can’t see a feckin thing.  They’re filthy.  I’ll have to bring one of them old facecloths I have under the stairs in with me tomorrow and give them a wipe.  I thought the rain would clean them but sure it only made them worse.

This would probably brighten up my morning commute a lot more than being threatened with eternity as an extra in a Bosch painting with a piccolo through my head.

 

The Teaser

Shouting at the TV, the internet, the newspaper or the radio?  Grinding your teeth every time you see Silvio Berlusconi and Donald Rumsfeld hosting Can You Believe I’m Not in Jail?  You are not alone.  Your suffering is at an end!

 

The Context

Inexplicably, advertisers have been slow to hitch their wagons to the mixed metaphor runaway train that is the success of The Definitive Indefinite Article.  So, to keep our doors open and the lights on, we have expanded our operations and are happy to announce that Our Department of Market Jockeying will be serving as a consultant to the booming pharmaceutical industry.  Instead of misleading studies, biased and manipulated focus groups, we will allow you, the people, to have your say on bringing new drugs to market.

 

The Project

Our first project is the branding and positioning of a new Media Outburst Syndrome ®** drug for adults who wish to be able to interact with the meeja without feeling the need to shout back at it.  It comes from a reputable pharmaceutical giant who will remain nameless.  Here are the finalists. 

 

The Small Print

**The manufacturer makes no representation overt or implied that Media Outburst Syndrome ® is a genuine medical condition or that this product will have any beneficial effect on persons who genuinely require medication for anything else.  This product is solely for the purposes of pathologizing a perfectly normal reaction, inducing panic and promoting unnecessary prescription and purchasing in the service of the manufacturer’s stock valuation.

 

The Contenders

Suppressitol

Calmalot

Axxeptitol

Repressitrexin

Curbitol

StifleExtracin

Bottleuptrex

Numbitol

Sweargard

Keepitin

Indifferentex

Ignoravil

Ignoritol

Braindeadivate

Consumivate

 

The Prizes

You can cast your vote in the comments section. 

Vote Early!  Voter often!  You can win a powerboat, a lifetime subscription to Enormity Magazine or one of our secret sponsor prizes.  First 8,000 entries will also receive a one-month supply of this newly-named Media Outburst Syndrome medication.

Because of bandwidth realtime datametric constraints only the first 40,000 votes will be counted. 

Vile rumors have begun to circulate associating The Definitive Indefinite Article with alleged lamentable employee treatment perpetrated allegedly by some transport companies, among them allegedly FedEx.

 

Our legal team at Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitxi, Spaider LLC have prepared the following statement which you can read out loud along with using our new WIntertext ® technology.  Ready?  Got a voice in your head?  OK, look at the picture, move the cursor over each word and read aloud…

 Neo Conservative Industrial Landscape

The Definitive Indefinite Article is a limited ability company duly established pursuant to Section 58 of the Companies Act of 1978. 

 

Allegation The First

The Definitive Indefinite Article illegally classifies its employees as independent contractors to avoid paying taxes on them or making any kind of social security payments.

 

Refutation The First

The Definitive Indefinite Article (hereinafter TDIA) has no employees, no independent contractors and no real existence outside the minds of its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries whose existence has only been implied.

 

The Outraged Reader:  That is some comfort, I must concede.

 

Allegation The Second

TDIA forces its independent contractors to purchase their own trucks.

 

Refutation The Second

See Refutation The First.  Further, TDIA is a 100% carbon neutral enterprise and possesses or contracts or causes to be possessed or contracted no motor vehicles or internal combustion engines of any kind.

 

The Outraged Reader:  That is reassuring, I think.

 

Allegation The Third

TDIA repelled a union organizing drive by maintaining that its 15,000 drivers had no right to unionize because they are independent contractors

 

Refutation The Third

See Refutation The First and Refutation The Second.  Further TDIA, having no employees, contractors or vehicles cannot be said to have any drivers.  However, it has actively distributed union cards to its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries.  notwithstanding that their existence has only been imputed.

 

Allegation The Fourth

TDIA has engaged in employment practices that an only be likened to Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire style indentured servitude

 

Refutation The Fourth

See all refutations above.  Further TDIA is a shrewd operator, aware of its own strengths and limitations and is unlikely to venture into such a highly competitive field as Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire business practices.  That is best left to ventures with shareholders.

 

The Outraged Reader:  I am convinced.  And I am proud to be associated with this noble enterprise and will in the future consider carrying things home from the local area of commerce instead of having them trucked vast distances through the internet.  I will make it my mission to tell my friends, cronies, fellow-travelers, family and neighbors to do the same.

 

 

Quoth the New York Times: “…And then on March 20 Random House announces that it has purchased the rights to a book by the blog’s founder, Christian Lander, an Internet copy writer. The price, according to a source familiar with the deal but not authorized to discuss the total, was about $300,000, a sum that many in the publishing and blogging communities believe is an astronomical amount for a book spawned from a blog, written by a previously unpublished author.”

“What is wrong with the universe? What is wrong with you people? Do you not have enough friends? Do you not know how to use a mouse and click?”

These questions have been posed by many of our staff at The Definitive Indefinite Article as they sit ungreatefully in our sumptuously appointed lunchroom and drinking their free mocha lattes. Some have even gone so far as to quote al Pacino in the movie Donnie Brasco: “Even a dog gets a warm piece of sidewalk to lie down on.” Admittedly most of these people were going to made “redundant” next week anyway. But the queston remains: What IS wrong with you people? Are the Articulists telling their friends about this? Do your friends not have computers? Where is OUR book deal?

The Attentive Reader: I just saw this now.  You hung it up on a Sunday!  You know I never come in her on Sunday unless I am shopping for wallpaper.

TDIA:  Are we supposed to feel guilty about that?

The Attentive Reader:  My main point is that I resent the implications: a) That I am not telling my friends about your blog; and b) That my friends do not own computers.

TDIA:  We had not thought you were so thin-skinned.

The Attentive Reader:   It is Monday and I lost  my keys.

TDIA:  We hope you find them and trust that this little disagreement will not discourage you from telling all your freinds about The Definitive Indefinte Article and encouraging them to follow its output with the same devotion and zeal as heretofore.

The Attentive Reader:  Do you mean I should tell my friends with the same devotion and zeal as I have heretofore used in telling them or tell them to follow with the same devotion and zeal that I myself have shown up to now?  You will admit that it could be read either way.

TDIA:  isn’t it time for…

The Attentive Reader:  …I have to go here’s me boss.

TDIA:  And Ctrl+Tab to you too.

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