Vile rumors have begun to circulate associating The Definitive Indefinite Article with alleged lamentable employee treatment perpetrated allegedly by some transport companies, among them allegedly FedEx.
Our legal team at Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitxi, Spaider LLC have prepared the following statement which you can read out loud along with using our new WIntertext ® technology. Ready? Got a voice in your head? OK, look at the picture, move the cursor over each word and read aloud…
The Definitive Indefinite Article is a limited ability company duly established pursuant to Section 58 of the Companies Act of 1978.
Allegation The First
The Definitive Indefinite Article illegally classifies its employees as independent contractors to avoid paying taxes on them or making any kind of social security payments.
Refutation The First
The Definitive Indefinite Article (hereinafter TDIA) has no employees, no independent contractors and no real existence outside the minds of its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries whose existence has only been implied.
The Outraged Reader: That is some comfort, I must concede.
Allegation The Second
TDIA forces its independent contractors to purchase their own trucks.
Refutation The Second
See Refutation The First. Further, TDIA is a 100% carbon neutral enterprise and possesses or contracts or causes to be possessed or contracted no motor vehicles or internal combustion engines of any kind.
The Outraged Reader: That is reassuring, I think.
Allegation The Third
TDIA repelled a union organizing drive by maintaining that its 15,000 drivers had no right to unionize because they are independent contractors
Refutation The Third
See Refutation The First and Refutation The Second. Further TDIA, having no employees, contractors or vehicles cannot be said to have any drivers. However, it has actively distributed union cards to its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries. notwithstanding that their existence has only been imputed.
Allegation The Fourth
TDIA has engaged in employment practices that an only be likened to Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire style indentured servitude
Refutation The Fourth
See all refutations above. Further TDIA is a shrewd operator, aware of its own strengths and limitations and is unlikely to venture into such a highly competitive field as Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire business practices. That is best left to ventures with shareholders.
The Outraged Reader: I am convinced. And I am proud to be associated with this noble enterprise and will in the future consider carrying things home from the local area of commerce instead of having them trucked vast distances through the internet. I will make it my mission to tell my friends, cronies, fellow-travelers, family and neighbors to do the same.