Just in time again for the frantic last-minute gifting, Hamptons Houseshare Hell Season 2 Omnibus is now available in the following luxury formats:
- Handbound in finest Ocelot hide, Octavo on carefully aged hemp paper: $99.99
- Handbound in finest Ocelot hide, Octavo on carefully aged hemp paper inscribed by members of Jericho Template: $128.99
- Handbound in finest Ocelot hide, Octavo on carefully aged hemp paper inscribed by members of Jericho Template with rosewood display case: $288.93
- Handbound in finest Ocelot hide, Octavo on carefully aged hemp paper inscribed by members of Jericho Template with rosewood display case and marginal annotations made by Prof. J. Hedgeer Agnew: $308.99
So like? I’m supposed to get off work early? on Friday? and this witch Ameey? in Positioning Enhancement? calls this 2 o’clock meeting? and I am totally? like seriously? I just can’t? and she is all full of clientside dynamic reintegration? and I just hate her? and her stupid Oberlin face? and I want to vomit? and I don’t get out of there until 5? and I miss my ride with Nixxon? and I have to take the Jitney? and I am so wishing I had decided to go to Montauk? with Jarrtxed? instead? but then I see Brinette? Campbell’s ex? trying to get on the Jitney? and she has 2 huge bags? and I so totally don’t help her? and on Saturday? we grill? but we can’t get the corn done? because this new girl Jocelynn? who seems to be some kind of cousin of Gwendevere’s? has this weird designer pocket dog? that is some kind of Pekinese coyote Alsatian-doodle? or something? and she has the whole stove taken up cos she is cooking seafood risotto? for the stupid dog? and later? we don’t go to Riggers? cos of something Walden? heard from some guy at work? about e-coli? there? so we go to this new place? Mizzen 380? and it is fun until Cidney? gets trashed and starts calling old boyfriends? to break up with them again?
so like at 4:50? on Friday? I get a text from Nixxon? that she can’t give me a ride? like she said she would? cos her boss? just got a promotion? and to celebrate? he is flying her whole team? to Southampton? by helicopter? so I have to scramble? and get the stupid jitney? and there is this jerk? in front of me? tying to choose ringtones? for people? for the whole journey? and on Saturday? Nixxon turns up from some all night party? and she has just had a Keratin treatment? on her hair? and is all sorry about the ride? and I am all like you got a Keratin treatment?? you know you can’t go in the water with that? for three days? and she spends the whole day? at the pool? looking like a sulky Jennifer Aniston doll? that someone threw in the trash? and on Saturday night? we have Jocelynn? lecture us all? on the best way to braise? lamb shoulder? for a dog? and I just can’t? and then on the Sunday? instead of taking the jitney with me? Nixxon takes a ride? from this guy? she met at Mizzen 380? cos he has a convertible? and they get stuck in traffic? on the LIE? and then it starts to pour? and the roof won’t come up? so her Keratin treatment gets destroyed? and she texts me? to vent? and I just ignore it? and post her sulky Jennifer Anniston doll picture?
so I don’t hear from Nixxon? all week? and I have to take the Jitney? and Jocelynn? gets on and sits right beside me? with her stupid dog? and I am all like Hi Jocelynn? and she is all like actually? it’s Jostlin? I wish you would all pronounce it properly? and then she starts into how Ariel? that’s the dog’s freaking name??? has been doing at doggie martial arts? and then I get half an hour? of deworming stories? and we still aren’t even out of the midtown tunnel? and then she tells? me how hard it was to find fresh talapia? and tamarind paste? for the dog’s dinner? so I kind of zone out? and start counting shoe designers? in my head? and the dog? keeps making these weird puking noises? and eventually it’s over? and I get off and go straight to Riggers? but it is completely closed? with an Under New Management sign? on the door? so I go to the house? and Nixxon and Walden? are on the deck? and stop talking as soon as I walk out? and Nixxon’s hair? looks like the guy? from Back to the Future? and Crescent? and Brandon? are on dinner prep? and they are inhaling gin and tonics? and McKinley? comes back from her run? and is all how she just loves her Modiggliani? yoga pants? and how great they make her ass look? and then she drops her kale smoothie? and this green goop? is all over Crescent’s legs? and Crescent? just drops the chopping board in the sink? and says? $300 dollars for those pants? for that kind of money? I’d at least expect them to stop you? being so totally annoying? and McKinley? just kind of stares at her? and goes well at least I went to a REAL business school? and Crescent? flings the chopping board? and it hits the screen door? and then Crescent throws up in the sink? and McKinley runs out to the deck? and Jostlin? is all? does anybody need the chopping board? I need to mince some ginger? for Ariel’s din dins? and Brandon? walks past me muttering? I will grill that dog before the summer is out? so we all go to Mizzen 380? except Jostlin? and Crescent? and get a pitcher of Minsk Mules? and four buckets of Scurvy Wings? for dinner? and then two more pitchers? and then the twerking starts?
So the new guy? Stansted? who was here the last 3 weekends? but no one noticed? cos he was on the roof? pretanning? starts flirting with Cidney? at the beach? and no one has the energy to stop him? and a plane goes by? with one of those banners? grand reopening party? Riggerz tonight? special FREE cocktails? and I am all like RiggerZ?? Walden says it’s like rebranding? like when AIG? was Chartis for a while? and McKinley says she won’t go? cos there could still be e-coli on the furniture? and so she goes to Mizzen 380? and Jostlin stays home to play Uno or something with her dog? and we go to Riggerz? and they have those huge lights outside? and it is a total scene? and they are handing out these big test tubes? of frozen e-coladas? to celebrate the reopening? and that witch Ameey? from work is there? drinking champagne with her lacrosse friends? cos the reorg? just made her Senior Director of Integrated Positioning Enhancement? and Nixxon? is all like happy Jennifer Aniston doll? with her new keratin hair? and has an e-colada in each hand? and and she is all like? these are SO WEAK? and then goes off to look for Vee One One tat sisters? who have VII tats like hers? and on Sunday? we are all completely wrecked? and Madison’s cousin? Elrond? or something? was out on the deck all night? making words out of tiny shells? and says it is a bit of some book? and he’s going to take a picture of it? for some thing on Tuesday? cos that is Bloomsday? and I am like whatever? and then there is this weird scraping sound? and Nixxon rolls off the roof? where she must have fallen asleep? and completely wrecks Elrond’s shells? and he is all like? that took me five hours? and Nixxon is all like I think I broke something? and Cidney comes out to the deck? to break up with Stansted? by text? and he is in the kitchen watching her? and I just can’t?
so I have this family thing? in the city? on Friday? and on Saturday morning at like 9? the people upstairs? start making all this noise? it’s like they do their own vacuuming? or something sad like that? and then I get the jitney? and Jostlin’s cousin? visits on Saturday? and he’s all like really from England? and wearing a sports jacket? and real shoes and stuff? and he introduces himself to everyone? “Bedevere Stimblehatch. Delighted!” all shaking hands and everything? and we so can’t stop? the whole night at Riggerz? all shaking hands with each other? doing these Downton Abbey voices? all like? “Heliport Simplethwaite. Delighted!” and “Davenport Undergown. Delghted!” “Carpelstuck Herbivore. Delighted!” “Mildeydew Runklesore. Delighted!” “Shambleforth Twirlything. Delighted!” “Hardleybike Rumblecrank. Delghted!” and I just can’t? and then it suddenly the music stops? and Brandon is all? “Madison Emptyhead. Delighted!” and Madison dumps a whole pitcher? of e-colada over his head? and he can’t see? and he pokes Walden in the eye? and she bumps into this guy? who turns around? and it’s Campbell? and he’s with Brinette? and she’s like so totally pregnant? and I really just can’t?
like on Saturday? it just rains? and rains? and we are stuck in the house? and McKinley?disconnects the gas from the grill? and says we all have to eat paleo? for the weekend? and Walden? starts trying to make e-coladas? and they taste like Ricola? and we play Risk? and Stansted? keeps attacking Cidney’s territory? and loses really badly? and is the first out of the game? and Jostlin? tells us that Bedevere? really enjoyed meeting everyone? and thought we were all quite charming? and would like to come back some weekend? and I kinda feel a little twinge of guilt? but then my phone beeps? and there is a voicemail? from my mother? and it sounds like she is on a payphone? at a truck stop? and she says that she is finding her authentic voice? at her writers workshop? and that she forgives me? and that I shouldn’t feel guilty? for sucking all the creativity out of her life? and that is all behind us? and I just can’t? and I meet this guy Sherwood? at RiggerZ? he’s really old? like maybe forty? and he is an entertainment agent? and I never heard of any of his clients? and he has this new project? some kind of performance artist? mime? kinda deal? called Seeley Mildew? or something? who is going to crap on the floor? of some hundred million dollar penthouse? wearing a tutu? and then the video? will go viral? and I could get in on the ground floor? for just $5000? and just then? I get an email from Campbell? that I delete wihtout opening? so I give Sherwood? Campbell’s number? and say he is a big investor? and don’t take no for an answer?
So Cidney? is getting collection calls? from her credit card company? all weekend? and is all like? I dunno just like every time I get upset? I go and buy a new mattress? and we find a flyer? from RiggerZ DeliverZ? and order a jeroboam of e-coladas? and Jostlin? tells us she is working on kids book? called Even Presidents Poop? and she is writing to all living presidents? and world leaders? asking them for potty stories? and my mom texts me? asking for $8,000? to buy a Zoomba franchise? with her writing instructor? in Sitges? and Campbell texts me? asking who the hell Sherwood is? and McKinley? brings her cousin? Hester? who picks a fight with Madison over the correct usage of literally? and Walden? tries to dry out some fireworks on the grill? and totally destroys it? and then the rain clears? and we order two barrels of Independence Whig Wings? and another jeroboam of e-coladas from Riggerz DeliverZ?
So like on Friday? I am on the train? and I am brushing my hair? and this lady? beside me? is all like? look honey? you probably don’t have head lice? but I don’t want whatever you do have in your hair? all over me so can you stop that? it is disgusting? and I am like so totally? so can’t? and like when I get to the house? Meggghenn? and Rutherford? and Tafte? are playing beer pong? and vaping? and are all like? it’s cherry brandy and cinnamon? don’t you just love it? and Stanstead? brought his cat? for the weekend? and it’s called Arbitrage? and keeps clawing its own fur off? and terrorizing Ariel? and Jostlin is all freaked out? and this new guy? Thorin Sneesgaard? turns up and he is like totally wearing these $20 rest stop fake Ray Bans? and some kind of lame brand polo shirt? and apparently his boss now owns the house? but we can all still keep our shares? but he gets a share now? and he drones on and on? about his misunderstood novel? “Is This Anyone’s Toast?” and how he is forced to work for this private equity firm? because the world is full of philistines? and Tafte is all like? oh wait?is that the one that is 900 pages? about a guy in an apartment share? in some Scandinavian place? trying to find out who left a piece of toast in the sink? I saw that online for 22 cents? but I didn’t buy it? and he stares at her? and then gets in the pool? and stays underwater? for so long? that we all think he is drowned? until eventually he gets out? and tells Tafte? that at her age? she should look into debit reinsurance? and he can put her in touch with someone? if she is interested?**
**Publisher’s note: Despite rumors that have been circulating recently, Hampton’s Houseshare Hell was saved from having to live behind a paywall by a generous contribution from Hedgeer Hemlien Private Equity Group. The only downside is the introduction of this new character (and possibly others) who will, from time to time, evangelize Private Equity investment vehicles
So? the one weekend? I don’t go to the beach? cos I have to go to Boston? for my grandmother’s 99th birthday? (and my mother? makes a complete mess? facetiming? from her writing retreat? in Catalonia?) interesting stuff happens? and I arrive out of Friday night? to find that Taffte? is dating the bass player? in Jericho Template? who play at Mizen 380? on Saturdays? and can’t stop trying to make everyone listen to them? on her phone? until Megghhghennn? gets all: they are just a Psychedelic Furs ripoff? how could you date someone that derivative? and we are all like what? and stuff? and McKinley? is all like? she has an MFA or something? in post punk cultural studies? from Princeton? and Taffte? is all like screw you? and your academic bullshit? but at least she stops making us listen to Jericho Template? which is a BIG relief? cos they suck so bad? And Campbell? texts me? all “awesome! thanks so much? moving to Napa? see ya never?” with a link and it’s Seeley Mildew? in a tutu? pissing on some penthouse floor? playing Born In The USA on a kazoo? and it has 88 million hits? and we all play this drinking game? with Thorin? and whoever loses? has to say Hedgeer Hemlien Preferred Equity Inverted Value Futures? ®*** while standing on one leg? and holding their nose? and it is all fun? until Nixxon passes out? and falls in the pool? but Jostlin gets her out? and it is all ok? sort of?
***Publisher’s note: See! We warned you about the product placement. Wouldn’t you have preferred an ad-free paywall?
And that whole weird
thing? with Taffte? and Nixxon? and Photon? the bass player guy? and the hookah?
I just can’t?
I can’t even?
I just can’t even?
so like the bass player? from Jericho Turnpike? comes over? with Taffte? after the gig? with a big hookah? and he fires up the hookah? and he says his name is Photon? and Thorin? starts giggling? so hard? that he swallows some part of his sunglasses? and when he calls for help? he sounds like like Elmo? and it is so totally hilarious? until he goes blue? and then Nixxon? gives Thorin? the Heimlich maneuver? and he is OK? and Photon nods? and just says karma? don’t mock the name again? and McKinley? gets all ? Wait your name is Photon? or Karma? and all like Oooooo these aren’t the droids you’re looking for? and then she starts having some kind of weird mini stroke? and Photon? just folds his arms? and says anyone else wanna make fun of the name? and then we are like totally creeped out by him? and everyone goes to bed? and on Sunday? Taffte says she tried to break up with him? on Saturday night? but as soon as she started saying stuff? her throat started to get all dry? and she couldn’t breathe right? and then Thorin? says Enough? and goes upstairs and opens the curtains? and Photon screams? and turns to dust? and then I wake up? and I am still on the deck? and Thorin? and Photon? are firing up the hookah again? and I know I need to totally go lie down?
so like I am totally? on jury duty? for this huge Federal case? and am not even supposed to be online? and we are all sequestered? in this hotel which? is kind of awesome? but I have no idea? when I wail get done? so Madison’s cousin? Brock’s girlfriend? Radcliffe? is taking my weekends? until I am done? so that should be fun? cos Brock? and Radcliffe? are going to instagram? every moment? of every weekend? as part of their PhD’s? in Communications?
So after like forever? there is some lawyer stuff? goes on? and the Federal case? is kind like not over? but done? and we are all officially defenestrated? or whatever? but I can’t ever talk about it? and anyway it is so boring? and when I get my phone back? first text I open? Madison is having a holiday? reunion? party? so first we all go to Soulcycle together? and it is kind of fun? but gets a little weird? when Thorin? turns up? and has no sports clothes? and borrows Stanstead’s? extra pair of yoga pants? and Brock? and Radcliffe? are instagramming everything? and then Brock? starts instagramming Radcliffe’s instagrams? and she throws her phone at him? and it breaks? and she is so freaked out? that she has look for a phone store? to fix it? And Brock goes with her? and then we all and do shots? at Mixocologie? and then all get tattoos? and then go back to the loft? that Madison’s folks? use whenever they come into the city? for a show? or stuff? and there are lots of other people there? and stuff? and like it’s a bit awkward? there are like these people? who work with people? who are like the people? who take the FERRY? to Martha’s Vineyard? and Jostlin? is now dating this girl Grendell? and they are both? like wearing? Men’s Warehouse suits? and smoking these skinny little purple cigarettes? with gold filters on them? and pretending to talk French? and Meaghghean? and Cidney? are trying to make egg nog? with Cointreau? and Miller Lite? and then Jericho Template arrive? and start playing? and short out the electrics? and Madison loses it? and is all like? my parents are going to kill me? and kicks us all out? and I get stuck in the elevator? with Jostlin, Grendell, Taffte and Nixxon? and Nixxon starts to hyperventilate? so Grendell gets her to sing Feed the World? over and over for three hours? until the firemen come? to let us out and when I get home? my mother is waiting in the lobby of my building? cos her new DJ boyfriend? is doing some gig in Antigua? for the holidays? and she lost her keys? so she will be staying with me? so we are going to binge watch? all of Buffy ever? for the holidays?