July 2015


Hedgeer Hemlien Private Equity - Futurizing tomorrow Now!

Hedgeer Hemlien Private Equity – Futurizing Tomorrow Today!

So like on Friday? I am on the train? and I am brushing my hair? and this lady? beside me? is all like? look honey? you probably don’t have head lice? but I don’t want whatever you do have in your hair? all over me so can you stop that? it is disgusting? and I am like so totally? so can’t? and like when I get to the house? Meggghenn? and Rutherford? and Tafte? are playing beer pong? and vaping? and are all like? it’s cherry brandy and cinnamon? don’t you just love it? and Stanstead? brought his cat? for the weekend? and it’s called Arbitrage? and keeps clawing its own fur off?  and terrorizing Ariel? and Jostlin is all freaked out? and this new guy? Thorin Sneesgaard? turns up and he is like totally wearing these $20 rest stop fake Ray Bans? and some kind of lame brand polo shirt? and apparently his boss now owns the house? but we can all still keep our shares? but he gets a share now? and he drones on and on? about his misunderstood novel? “Is This Anyone’s Toast?” and how he is forced to work for this private equity firm? because the world is full of philistines? and Tafte is all like?  oh wait?is that the one that is 900 pages? about a guy in an apartment share? in some Scandinavian place? trying to find out who left a piece of toast in the sink?  I saw that online for 22 cents? but I didn’t buy it? and he stares at her? and then gets in the pool? and stays underwater? for so long? that we all think he is drowned? until eventually he gets out? and tells Tafte? that at her age? she should look into debit reinsurance? and he can put her in touch with someone? if she is interested?**

**Publisher’s note: Despite rumors that have been circulating recently, Hampton’s Houseshare Hell was saved from having to live behind a paywall by a generous contribution from Hedgeer Hemlien Private Equity Group.  The only downside is the introduction of this new character (and possibly others) who will, from time to time, evangelize Private Equity investment vehicles

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Speculation is rife (what else is speculation ever?) that Hamptons Houseshare Hell may be disappearing behind a paywall.  Rumors of a seven-figure deal with an unnamed digital consortium have been circulating (what else?) in entertainment media. The Definitive Indefinite Article has been unavailable for comment.  Exhaustive searches for this week’s episode have yielded only this accompanied by a high-pitched tone:

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grillSo Cidney? is getting collection calls? from her credit card company? all weekend? and is all like? I dunno just like every time I get upset? I go and buy a new mattress? and we find a flyer? from RiggerZ DeliverZ? and order a jeroboam of e-coladas? and Jostlin? tells us she is working on kids book? called Even Presidents Poop? and she is writing to all living presidents? and world leaders? asking them for potty stories? and my mom texts me? asking for $8,000? to buy a Zoomba franchise? with her writing instructor? in Sitges?  and Campbell texts me? asking who the hell Sherwood is?  and McKinley? brings her cousin? Hester? who picks a fight with Madison over the correct usage of literally? and Walden? tries to dry out some fireworks on the grill? and totally destroys it? and then the rain clears? and we order two barrels of Independence Whig Wings? and another jeroboam of e-coladas from Riggerz DeliverZ?

poollike on Saturday? it just rains? and rains? and we are stuck in the house? and McKinley?disconnects the gas from the grill? and says we all have to eat paleo? for the weekend? and Walden? starts trying to make e-coladas? and they taste like Ricola? and we play Risk? and Stansted? keeps attacking Cidney’s territory? and loses really badly? and is the first out of the game? and Jostlin? tells us that Bedevere? really enjoyed meeting everyone? and thought we were all quite charming? and would like to come back some weekend? and I kinda feel a little twinge of guilt? but then my phone beeps? and there is a voicemail? from my mother? and it sounds like she is on a payphone? at a truck stop? and she says that she is finding her authentic voice? at her writers workshop? and that she forgives me? and that I shouldn’t feel guilty? for sucking all the creativity out of her life? and that is all behind us? and I just can’t? and I meet this guy Sherwood? at RiggerZ? he’s really old? like maybe forty? and he is an entertainment agent? and I never heard of any of his clients? and he has this new project? some kind of performance artist? mime? kinda deal? called Seeley Mildew? or something? who is going to crap on the floor? of some hundred million dollar penthouse? wearing a tutu? and then the video? will go viral? and I could get in on the ground floor? for just $5000? and just then? I get an email from Campbell? that I delete wihtout opening? so I give Sherwood? Campbell’s number? and say he is a big investor? and don’t take no for an answer?