June 2015

poolso I have this family thing? in the city? on Friday? and on Saturday morning at like 9? the people upstairs? start making all this noise? it’s like they do their own vacuuming? or something sad like that? and then I get the jitney? and Jostlin’s cousin? visits on Saturday? and he’s all like really from England? and wearing a sports jacket? and real shoes and stuff? and he introduces himself to everyone? “Bedevere Stimblehatch. Delighted!” all shaking hands and everything? and we so can’t stop? the whole night at Riggerz? all shaking hands with each other? doing these Downton Abbey voices? all like? “Heliport Simplethwaite. Delighted!” and “Davenport Undergown. Delghted!”  “Carpelstuck Herbivore. Delighted!”  “Mildeydew Runklesore. Delighted!”  “Shambleforth Twirlything. Delighted!”  “Hardleybike Rumblecrank. Delghted!”  and I just can’t? and then it suddenly the music stops? and Brandon is all? “Madison Emptyhead. Delighted!” and Madison dumps a whole pitcher? of e-colada over his head? and he can’t see? and he pokes Walden in the eye? and she bumps into this guy? who turns around? and it’s Campbell? and he’s with Brinette? and she’s like so totally pregnant? and I really just  can’t?


e-coladaSo the new guy? Stansted? who was here the last 3 weekends? but no one noticed? cos he was on the roof? pretanning? starts flirting with Cidney? at the beach? and no one has the energy to stop him? and a plane goes by? with one of those banners? grand reopening party? Riggerz tonight? special FREE cocktails? and I am all like RiggerZ?? Walden says it’s like rebranding? like when AIG? was Chartis for a while? and McKinley says she won’t go? cos there could still be e-coli on the furniture? and so she goes to Mizzen 380? and Jostlin stays home to play Uno or something with her dog? and  we go to Riggerz? and they have those huge lights outside? and it is a total scene? and they are handing out these big test tubes? of frozen e-coladas? to celebrate the reopening? and that witch Ameey? from work is there? drinking champagne with her lacrosse friends? cos the reorg? just made her Senior Director of Integrated Positioning Enhancement? and Nixxon? is all like happy Jennifer Aniston doll? with her new keratin hair? and has an e-colada in each hand? and and she is all like? these are SO WEAK? and then goes off to look for Vee One One tat sisters? who have VII tats like hers? and on Sunday? we are all completely wrecked? and Madison’s cousin? Elrond? or something? was out on the deck all night? making words out of tiny shells? and says it is a bit of some book? and he’s going to take a picture of it? for some thing on Tuesday? cos that is Bloomsday? and I am like whatever? and then there is this weird scraping sound? and Nixxon rolls off the roof? where she must have fallen asleep? and completely wrecks Elrond’s shells? and he is all like? that took me five hours? and Nixxon is all like I think I broke something? and Cidney comes out to the deck? to break up with Stansted? by text? and he is in the kitchen watching her? and I just can’t?

martello tower sandycoveThe Definitive Indefinite Article call facility in Utar Pradesh has been seeing a huge uptick in inquiries about the future of Bloomsday Twiterature.  We have received braces of inquires since the rumored layoffs and downsizing at The Definitive Indefinite Article.  Thankfully a literary Super PAC, Modernists for an Unsure Tomorrow, has made a grant which ail guarantee the future of Bloomsday Twiterature for as long as the internet lasts.  With this largesse at out disposal, we can promise that this year’s installment will be something special but in the meantime, to prime you all for the upcoming extravaganza, here is the story so far:

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of

lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown,

ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He

held the bowl aloft and intoned:

–_Introibo ad altare Dei_.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

–Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit!

Solemnly he came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about

and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding land and the

awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Stephen Dedalus, he bent

towards him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat

and shaking his head. Stephen Dedalus, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him,

The Preternaturally Loyal Reader:  Ah that’s lovely now all the same though but.  I can’t wait to see where it goes next.  I mean I do be enjoying yer Hamptons Houseshare Hell and all but it’s not really a jewel of modernism now, is it?  The Bloomsday Twiterature is the highlight of my year, don’t you know.

boardso I don’t hear from Nixxon? all week? and I have to take the Jitney? and Jocelynn? gets on and sits right beside me? with her stupid dog? and I am all like Hi Jocelynn? and she is all like actually? it’s Jostlin? I wish you would all pronounce it properly? and then she starts into how Ariel? that’s the dog’s freaking name??? has been doing at doggie martial arts? and then I get half an hour? of deworming stories? and we still aren’t even out of the midtown tunnel? and then she tells? me how hard it was to find fresh talapia? and tamarind paste? for the dog’s dinner? so I kind of zone out? and start counting shoe designers? in my head? and the dog? keeps making these weird puking noises? and eventually it’s over? and I get off and go straight to Riggers? but it is completely closed? with an Under New Management sign? on the door? so I go to the house? and Nixxon and Walden? are on the deck? and stop talking as soon as I walk out? and Nixxon’s hair? looks like the guy? from Back to the Future? and Crescent? and Brandon? are on dinner prep? and they are inhaling gin and tonics? and McKinley? comes back from her run? and is all how she just loves her Modiggliani? yoga pants? and how great they make her ass look? and then she drops her smoothie? and this green goop? is all over Crescent’s legs? and Crescent? just drops the chopping board in the sink? and says? $300 dollars for those pants?  for that kind of money? I’d at least expect them to stop you? being so totally annoying? and McKinley? just kind of stares at her? and goes well at least I went to a REAL business school? and Crescent? flings the chopping board? and it hits the screen door? and then Crescent throws up in the sink? and McKinley runs out to the deck? and Jostlin? is all? does anybody need the chopping board? I need to mince some ginger? for Ariel’s din dins? and Brandon? walks past me muttering? I will grill that dog before the summer is out? so we all go to Mizzen 380? and get a pitcher of Carpathian Mules and four buckets of Scurvy Wings for dinner? and then two more pitchers? and then the twerking starts?

poolso like at 4:50? on Friday? I get a text from Nixxon? that she can’t give me a ride? like she said she would? cos her boss? just got a promotion? and to celebrate? he is flying her whole team? to Southampton? by helicopter? so I have to scramble? and get the stupid jitney? and there is this jerk? in front of me? tying to choose ringtones? for people? for the whole journey? and on Saturday? Nixxon turns up from some all night party? and she has just had a Keratin treatment? on her hair? and is all sorry about the ride? and I am all like you got a Keratin treatment?? you know you can’t go in the water with that? for three days? and she spends the whole day? at the pool? looking like a sulky Jennifer Aniston doll? that someone threw in the trash?  and on Saturday night? we have Jocelynn? lecture us all? on the best way to braise? lamb shoulder? for a dog? and I just can’t? and then on the Sunday? instead of taking the jitney with me? Nixxon takes a ride? from this guy? she met at Mizzen 380? cos he has a convertible? and they get stuck in traffic? on the LIE? and then it starts to pour? and the roof won’t come up? so her Keratin treatment gets destroyed? and she texts me? to vent? and I just ignore it? and post her sulky Jennifer Anniston doll picture?