For those of you still yearning for the last days of summer, for those of you who in need of a hasty but seemingly thoughtful purchase for the gift giving season, or those of you who simply want to revisit those halcyon days we spent with Campbell, Madison, Alexa et al, in the tradition of Wilfred Owen, Sylvia Plath, T.S. Eliot, John Milton, Maya Angelou, W.B. Yeats and countless others we are proud to announce The Collected Hamptons House Share Hell, Hand-tooled Edition.
For a small fee one of our experts will come to your home or place of employ or some mutually-agreed-upon public place and show you how to copy and paste the collected episodes into a word document, print it double-sided in book format, handsomely bind it using the simple yet elegant Japanese Stab technique and append one of our authentic numbered plates onto the commemorative frontispiece. This slim volume will make an excellent gift – elegant, impressive and perplexing in equal measure, blending the artisanal and technological into the perfect gift for when you have no clue what to get someone.
…and last weekend? Stephanie? when it was raining? was out on the deck? like playing beer pong? with these two guys Cliff knows from Dartmouth? and it’s only like noon? and one of them is kinda cute? and totally wasted? but the other one? is totally Jersey Shore? and this whiny witch Meadow with the weird thighs who works at citibank? who has all the same weekends I do? who totally saw my flip-flops? on the porch? and left them out in the rain? oh my god? I left my phone charger? in Alexa’s car? on the way home? I am so totally bringing my air conditioner this weekend?…
…so I’m in the supermarket? and this totally gross little man comes up to me? and asks me where the tuna? is and I’m all like do I look? like I work here? seriously? and on Saturday? after we come back from Riggers? Stephanie? decides to go skinny dipping? in the pool? but the cover is so totally on? and this new guy? Ashland? who went to like some state school? somewhere in Jersey? and has a sixteenth of a half-share with Fabiana? drags her out? and one of her barrettes? sticks in his eye? and he has to go to the ER? and Evan? tries to put my air conditioner in the window? and drops it into the yard? and it smashes? all over this stupid windmill staue? that will come out of my deposit? and then he throws up all over my bed? and I spend the night in the hammock? and I am like so covered in like bug bites? like the worst ever? and Stephanie? says I coulda slept in her bed? cos she went to a party? with Ashland after the ER? and there are toast crumbs? and bits of pizza? like seriously? pizza? in my mayo? in the morning? and…
…So on Friday? Campbell? is like a hour late? picking me up from work? cos he’s “in a meeting”? and then takes this stupid “short cut”? and it’s like 11:30 when we get there? and everyone is already gone out except for Cidney? or Sandy? or whatever her name is? who is on the couch having a phone breakup? with her boyfriend? Again? she’s like from somewhere lame on LAWN GUYLAND? AND TAWKS LOIKE THIS? and the whole house stinks? and I can’t find my blanket? and it’s been in the washing machine since last? week but Evan? never turned it on? and it smells like I don’t know? a subway train? in an outer borough? or something and then on Saturday Fabiana? brings her cousin? who is totally lame? and studies jazz history? at Princeton? or something? and talks about Monsanto? all the time? and Madison? falls asleep? on the deck? and one half of her face? gets all sunburnt? and she has to cover herself? with aftersun? and foundation? so she doesn’t look like deformed face painting? and Cliff? turns up with this huge grill? and smashes the old one? with his tennis racket? and he and Brinette? start assembling it? but give up half way? and go to Riggers? and we don’t see them again til Sunday afternoon? and there’s like this weird vibe? going on between them? and he’s like wearing her flip flops?….
So were are almost at the house? and this cop? on a motorbike? pulls over in front? of us and then this convoy? of like SUVs? goes by and it is like all secret service? and stuff and it is so like the Clintons? or someone? but the cop won’t tell? us and Campbell? says it can’t be? cos they would take a helicopter? and anyway they go to Martha’s Vineyard? and I am all like what does he know? is he like secretly watching E? and he’s all just shut up? and then I get out of the car? and he’s like fine and drives off? and I have to walk to the house? and when I get there Campbell’s car is there? but he’s not? and on Saturday? Cliff hooks up with this girl? at Riggers and brings her back? cos we finally got the jacuzzi working? and her name is Whitney? and as soon as she gets in the Jacuzzi? she starts freaking out? and says like that her heart is stopping? and Cliff says she had been drinking jaeger spice mixed with Fernet? Branca? Menta? since like noon? so I like am outta there? and want to like just go to bed but Brinette? says she has to like talk to me? so we go to Sizzles? cos everyone else will be going to Riggers? and she like tells me all this stuff? but I’m not like listening? cos they are like totally playing all this great 80’s music? and I say like “oh that’s too bad” when she stops talking? and she looks at me? all weird? and says oh that’s too bad???? calls me a cow? and storms off and I’m like whatever? and then I see Campbell? talking with some skinny witch in a day glo micro mini? and she’s all over him? and he’s all like got his preppy charm attack? turned on? the collar of his polo turned up? and those stupid sailing shades? turned round on the back of his head? and I just want to vomit on him? so I go back to the house and dump the garbage? all over his car?
..so like I get take the Jitney? with Amanda? and Ashley? cos Campbell and me? haven’t talked since last week? and he keeps like texting me? but I don’t even open? them and when we get to the house? Campbell’s car is there? and Brinette!!! is taking her stupid fake Amalio? Ferlinghetti? beach bag? out of his trunk? and I’m like WTF? and I go upstairs? and his beach stuff is gone from my room? and Brinette’s roommate Taylor? is putting her cheap stuff away? and I am like? are you kidding me with this shit? and so I go downstairs? and Campbell is in the Jacuzzi? and he’s all like ignoring me? so I throw a beach chair? at him and there’s this girl Megan? who tells everyone it spelled MEHGHEHENN? who’s in the next house? and she has this really cute little dog? and we’re like taking and stuff? and the dog? like totally pisses all over my shoes? and I’m like it’s ok? They’re last year’s? but she starts screaming? and kicking the dog? and it’s totally not cool? and Tyler comes out? and takes the dog away from her? and then this girl Madison? who is doing the cooking? for Saturday dinner? someone is dumb enough to ask her? what she does? and the goes on and on? and she like works for this foundation? that is developing a way to transcribe vocal fry? and I’m like ~WHO~ needs ~THAT~? and she just looks at me? and shrugs at me? and Campbell? and Brinette? are all like hysterical? laughing and stuff? and I throw another beach chair? at them? and go out out back? with Tyler? to put the grill together? And we start making pina coladas? in the blender? out on the deck? and we drink two whole pitchers and the grill looks great? and then I have to lie down? …
…so like these two girls? Crescent? and Walden? turn up at the house? and I kinda recognize? them from Campbell’s? office and they tell us that they sublet? the rest of Campbell? and Brinette’s? shares and Campbell and Brinette? have a share somewhere else? and I am like so totally laughing? my ass off really loud? and everyone? is like looking at me weird? and I like go to my room? and start deleting all of Campbell’s texts? and then Taylor comes in? and she has the New York Times? on her ipad? and there is an announcement in it? that Campbell and Brinette? are engaged? and her parents in Greenwich? are delighted? and his parents in Old Greenwich? are even more delighted? and I just throw up all over it? and then we go to Riggers? and I get a pint of pickleback? and come third in the wet t-shirt contest? and break one of my heels? on the way up to get my prize? and one of the DJs? helps me up and he’s kinda cute? and we get talking? and he is like from Bridgeport? and works in an animal shelter? and his name is Brandon? and he is all sweet and walks me home? and makes me herbal tea? and starts talking to me? about the universe? and stuff? and then he is giving me this weird bracelet? and telling me about some meeting in the City? where I can get my past selves checked? and then Crescent? and Walden? turn up and he starts talking to them? and they are all like giggling? and stuff? and I fall asleep? and when I wake up Brandon is gone? and when I ask where he is? Crescent says he got back in his spaceship? and I fall asleep again and wake up? with my face? stuck to the couch? and Walden is still up playing xbox? and I’m all like? we have an xbox?…
So like Monday? I had to call in sick? cos I was like sick? I mean seriously? four days at the beach? when it’s raining? like I get there? on Thursday? for the 4th July weekend? and there’s this British girl? Guinevere? or Gwendolyn? or something all Downton Abbey like that? and she had a share? from the start of the summer? but never turned up? cos she was in Bosnia? or somewhere? doing stuff for the Olympics? or whatever? and it’s raining? so she is so totally British? and like watches the World Cup? and says stuff like “flibbertigibbet?” and “bother?” and when she meets me? she is all “oh my dear? I am so dreadfully sorry? but God know you dodged a bullet? with that Campbell?” and I’m all like WTF? and she’s all like “Oh I simply can’t get through my Mondays? without Hamptons House Share Hell?” and I’m all like seriously? WTF? and she shows me? and it’s all out there on the internet? and it’s weird? and then I’m like whatever? and she says like? “it’s actually quite meta don’t you think?” and then she says we ought to have an At Home? and we are all like what? and she is all like it’s an all day party? without people doing shots? or throwing up in the yard? and we are OK? and she makes cucumber sandwiches? and puts on Wimbledon? on the DVR? and it is kinda fun? and when Madison? Crescent? and Joshua? get wasted and start doing shots? she goes all Mary Poppins? on them and they immediately quiet down? and it is so weird? like she is everyone’s mom? but then Mehghehenn? makes her a Margarita? and suddenly she’s all shouting “bollocks?” and playing Limp Bizkit really loud? and goes to Riggers? and just invites everyone she talks to? and she keeps us for three days and nights? Partying? and it is like fun? and chaos? and crazy stuff? so now it’s Tuesday? and I am still kinda sick? but had to come into work? and can’t get my contacts out?
So we all get to the house? like all excited? cos Gwendevere? promised to teach us all how to play cribbage? but she never shows? and there is a cribbage board? and a little note? and Crescent? reads it out loud? “Sorry my dears! Had to run! Toodlepip my lovelies! Read the instructions on the box. You’ll get the hang of it in no time. It’s not like it’s bridge. I have house shares in Dewey Beach and Fire Island to fix and then I’m off to Gijon and Milano Maritima to sprinkle some very expensive harmony dust. busy! busy! busy! Love, G” and then Crescent kinda cries? and Fillmore? walks up and gives her a big hug? and we are all who are you? and Fillmore says is that a question? and we are like yeah? and she shows us the lawyer’s? letter giving her G’s shares” and then like my mom calls me: from Marbella? in Spain” where she is on some kind of month-long painting vacation? with her new tennis coach boyfriend? who is like two years younger than me? and it is all awkward? and weird? and she keeps telling me way too much about their relationship? and stuff? and so she calls me? because she is at dinner? and can’t decide on which entree to get? and then she freaking asks me how Campbell is? and I am all like Mom? I texted you? he broke up with me? and she is all like oh yeah? I forgot? and then says exactly what she texted the first time? “were you wearing those spandex shorts? when he dumped? you cos I keep telling you sweetie? spandex is like LSD? it’s not for everyone?” and I like totally hang up on her? and then Fillmore? throws the cribbage board on the grill? and Madison? fires up the blender? and it’s happy hour…
So Walden’s car? breaks down? and we take the jitney? and the jitney hits an ice cream truck? and it takes seven hours? just to get to the house? and I am so pissed? and just go straight to bed? and Saturday? is all cloudy? so Fillmore? and Ashley? get all of us to do our own version of the Happy? video? and it is so fun? but then my mom starts sending me these pictures? of herself in thongs? and it is like so weird? and then she calls me? and she in Malaga? in a department store? trying on lingerie? and wants something special? cos she and tennisboy? are invited to a swingers party? on some yacht? and I can hear tennis boy in the background? and I am like Mom? this is so inappropriate? and she is all like yeah? well maybe if you and Campbell? had had a little more fun? he wouldn’t have dumped you? and I like totally hang up on her? and then Fillmore? freaks out? screaming? we are all mispronouncing her name? to make her feel excluded? and that it is spelt Ffillmore? so we apologize? and then she wants to make more Happy videos? but we are all done with that? and then she dives into the pool? and stays at the bottom? until we all start to think she might have drowned? and Ashley? pulls her out? and she is purple in the face? and still wants us to make more Happy videos? and we say no? and she jumps into the pool again? so Ashley? gets her out again? and we agree? and Walden? gets the blender going? and Ffillmore? keeps us up until 5 am? making more Happy videos? and now the song? is so stuck in my head? I can hardly breathe?
So on Saturday? I see this guy? at Riggers? who I recognize? from the lunch line? at the new Carneville Sandwich Factoria? near work? but we have never talked? cos he is usually like a hundred people ahead of me? in line? and but he smiles at me and says Hi? but then out of the blue? Campbell? sexts me saying he and Brinette? wanted to hook up? and I am like? are you kidding me with this shit? and by the time I look up? Carneville guy is gone? so this week? I have to go to lunch? ten minutes early every day? and get on the Carneville line? and then when I get home? Madison? and Cidney? are in the middle of this screaming match? about who hates Summer Roberts from Orange County more? and Crescent? has let the water? out of the pool? and is sitting in it? with some workout guy? she met at Riggers? and he says his name is Thor? and I and like totally hysterical? and then I hear the blender going? but when I go inside? Cidney? is trying to blend Madison’s phone? to bits? so I just go to bed? and when I get home? on Sunday? I realize I left my keys? at the house? and my roommate McKinley? is away until Monday? and the landlord is in Vancouver? so I am totally locked out of my apartment? but I have keys to my mom’s apartment? but she is already back from Spain? and is wasted and crying? cos she hooked up with some Basque racing driver’s girlfriend? and tennis boy got all jealous? and dumped her? and I have to listen to her? all night? and then wake at 2pm? and have take a sick day? and McKinley? doesn’t answer my text until 3? and then tennis boy calls from downstairs? and my mom kicks me out? and I am so exhausted? and it takes me twenty minutes? to refill my metro card?
So? Cidney? is back with her boyfriend? Jacob? and she brings him out? and he insists everyone has to call him DJ Cub? and then she spends most of the weekend? on the couch with him? breaking up again? and Stephanie takes stop motion video? of them? on her ipad? and spends her whole weekend? putting their breakup to different songs? and it is awsome? and Ashley? runs into this guy? she used to date? on the beach? and he works for The Nation? of The Onion? or something like that? and every time she talks to him? she does this weird cheerleaderey? fake oversmile? that is kinda creepy? and he does it too? and they are all OH MY GAWD! IT’S SOOOO GOOD TO SEEEEEEE YOU!!! and Walden? whispers it’s like they were in a cul?t together? and it so totally looks like that? so we move down the beach? and Riggers? is closed for the whole weekend? for some private party? and Madison? crashes it and get kicked out? and claims it is some kind of Paraguayan? drug cartel? conference? with powerpoint presentations? and is no fun? so we go to Sizzles? but it is a mob scene? and the bouncer? says no Riggers regulars allowed? and I go off on him? and he tries to taser me? but he grabs the chain? on my purse? and tasers himself? by accident? and the cops come? and we are totally outta there? and the cops close Sizzles down? so everyone just stands in the street? criticizing everyone’s clothes? and it is so boring?
so like I put on my swimsuit? and it is so tight? and I look kinda pregnant? but I’m not? and then it hits me? ten straight days of lunch from Carneville Sandwich Factoria? and I have put on like five pounds? and no sign of cute guy? from Riggers? I mean all those triple chimichanga? focaccia bowls? for nothing? so I literally don’t go to the beach? the whole weekend? and Cidney? brings her cousin? Buchanan? who takes one look at my sweatshirt? and is all like OMG? did you go to Hollister too? there are so many Hollister alumni around? it is just so awesome? I wish I’d gone to Hollister? it looks like such a fun school? and I am like OMG? is she for real? and then Joshua? starts yelling from the yard? and we all run outside? and Joshua is pointing up at the sky? and I look? and there is a big smudge of skywriting? that looks like OOMMMWW ?and then? BRINETTE WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE ~ I LOVE YOU ~ CAMPBELL? and Crescent? starts jumping up and down? and shrieking that she is so happy for me? and I am like shaking? and then my Mom calls? cos she is visiting friends? ten minutes away? and says? can you see that? you should call him? you know you don’t have many options? and I totally hang up on her? and I call the skywriting place? to see how much it would be? to write CAMPBELL DROP DEAD ASSHOLE? but it is way too expensive? so I text him instead? and then delete his number?
so this is the weekend? we agreed to let Cidney? host Buchanan’s? mini bachelorette party? and she turns up? with her friends Wilson? and Harding? and they are all wearing Hollister sweatshirts? and Buchanan? introduces me? as a Hollister alum? and I just can’t so I let it slide? and Harding’s boyfriend? An-Drew? With A Hyphen? has come too? and he is all kind of jockey? and challenges me to an arm wrestle? and Hardin? gets all freaked out? and jealous? so I go to the beach with Walden? and McKinley? and we run into cute guy? from Riggers? and Carneville Sandwich Factoria? and he smiles? and is all like I know you Carnevile right? and I am all like yeah? sometimes? and he is all like? I’m so totally over that place? you gotta check out the new Pro Fuel Bodymass Emporium? where the nail place? used to be? and I am all like? sure? and then he has to go? cos his friends? have got a jet ski? and he’s going to body surf? behind it? holding onto the rope? with only his teeth? and do I want to watch? and do I want to bet him $50? he can’t do it? and suddenly? I am not feeling like being at the beach? and go watch people going in and out of the Bulgari store? and drink two? triple skim chai ristretto mocha frappes? and get a really wired brain freeze?
so like? on Saturday? and Madison? brings out this little yappy dog? she is taking care of? while her sorority sister? is out of town? it is wearing a cone? and is called Schrödinger? and may or may not? have some kind of explosive bowel problem? and she has this friend? with her who just won’t stop talking? and she goes one and on “so like I get into an uber? Fight? because seriously? what at the odds?: two Brittoneys? (with an O)? waiting for a towncar? on the northeast corner? of First and 78th ? at the same time?” and I am ready to tear my face off and on Sunday I pick up McKinley’s? laptop? by accident? and try to log on to instagram? and 5 minutes later? I am surrounded by all these suits? with guns? ? and badges turns out? she works from some weird defense contractor? doing change management? for their new performance review procedure? and I have to go with them? and am so creeped out? but we sit in their van? and they just ask a few questions? and then they let me go? and one of them? is kinda cute? and his name is Noam? Without and G? and he gives me his number? and we go to the US Open yesterday? …
so on Saturday? I hear the blender? go downstairs? but it is not happy hour? it is just Madison? and Ashley? making smoothies? for breakfast? so I go to the deck? and Campbell? is standing there? and he is all like sorry looking? holding his ipad? with a picture of me? on it and he goes to the grill? and puts his ipad on it? and he pours lighter fluid? all over it? and lights it? then he looks at me? and walks away? and I am like? just get over yourself? so I text Noam? and get this weird text back? saying I have texted a landline? then Fabiana gets up? and it looks like she came home from Riggers? with meathead from Carneville? and he is all like? my head is bigger than your head? so I am really glad? when Schrödinger? has one of his explosive bowel things? all over his feet? and on Sunday? we have the annual? Labor Day? Riggers v Sizzles? softball game? and day glo micro mini? is the pitcher? and I hit a home run off her? and I am about to text everyone to tell them? when my mom? texts me? and whole bunch of random people? I don’t know to say that my sister? Taft? has just gone into labor? which is like so typical of both of them? and then on Monday? Brinette? tells me? that it was the best summer ever? and I say really? and she points to the sky? and there is this plane? pulling this big banner? that says CONSUMATUM EST? and Cidney? says look? it’s the first words of the Hollister school song?