In keeping with the long tradition of Eastenders omnibuses and binge watching of things like Tower of Thrones and New Yorkers clamoring in the docks asking after Little Dorrit, here is HHSH Ombibus 2 for your delectation:
HAMPTONS HOUSE SHARE HELL: EPISODE 8
So we all get to the house? like all excited? cos Gwendevere? promised to teach us all how to play cribbage? but she never shows? and there is a cribbage board? and a little note? and Crescent? reads it out loud? “Sorry my dears! Had to run! Toodlepip my lovelies! Read the instructions on the box. You’ll get the hang of it in no time. It’s not like it’s bridge. I have house shares in Dewey Beach and Fire Island to fix and then I’m off to Gijon and Milano Maritima to sprinkle some very expensive harmony dust. busy! busy! busy! Love, G” and then Crescent kinda cries? and Fillmore? walks up and gives her a big hug? and we are all who are you? and Fillmore says is that a question? and we are like yeah? and she shows us the lawyer’s? letter giving her G’s shares” and then like my mom calls me: from Marbella? in Spain” where she is on some kind of month-long painting vacation? with her new tennis coach boyfriend? who is like two years younger than me? and it is all awkward? and weird? and she keeps telling me way too much about their relationship? and stuff? and so she calls me? because she is at dinner? and can’t decide on which entree to get? and then she freaking asks me how Campbell is? and I am all like Mom? I texted you? he broke up with me? and she is all like oh yeah? I forgot? and then says exactly what she texted the first time? “were you wearing those spandex shorts? when he dumped? you cos I keep telling you sweetie? spandex is like LSD? it’s not for everyone?” and I like totally hang up on her? and then Fillmore? throws the cribbage board on the grill? and Madison? fires up the blender? and it’s happy hour…
So Walden’s car? breaks down? and we take the jitney? and the jitney hits an ice cream truck? and it takes seven hours? just to get to the house? and I am so pissed? and just go straight to bed? and Saturday? is all cloudy? so Fillmore? and Ashley? get all of us to do our own version of the Happy? video? and it is so fun? but then my mom starts sending me these pictures? of herself in thongs? and it is like so weird? and then she calls me? and she in Malaga? in a department store? trying on lingerie? and wants something special? cos she and tennisboy? are invited to a swingers party? on some yacht? and I can hear tennis boy in the background? and I am like Mom? this is so inappropriate? and she is all like yeah? well maybe if you and Campbell? had had a little more fun? he wouldn’t have dumped you? and I like totally hang up on her? and then Fillmore? freaks out? screaming? we are all mispronouncing her name? to make her feel excluded? and that it is spelt Ffillmore? so we apologize? and then she wants to make more Happy videos? but we are all done with that? and then she dives into the pool? and stays at the bottom? until we all start to think she might have drowned? and Ashley? pulls her out? and she is purple in the face? and still wants us to make more Happy videos? and we say no? and she jumps into the pool again? so Ashley? gets her out again? and we agree? and Walden? gets the blender going? and Ffillmore? keeps us up until 5 am? making more Happy videos? and now the song? is so stuck in my head? I can hardly breathe?
So on Saturday? I see this guy? at Riggers? who I recognize? from the lunch line? at the new Carneville Sandwich Factoria? near work? but we have never talked? cos he is usually like a hundred people ahead of me? in line? and but he smiles at me and says Hi? but then out of the blue? Campbell? sexts me saying he and Brinette? wanted to hook up? and I am like? are you kidding me with this shit? and by the time I look up? Carneville guy is gone? so this week? I have to go to lunch? ten minutes early every day? and get on the Carneville line? and then when I get home? Madison? and Cidney? are in the middle of this screaming match? about who hates Summer Roberts from Orange County more? and Crescent? has let the water? out of the pool? and is sitting in it? with some workout guy? she met at Riggers? and he says his name is Thor? and I and like totally hysterical? and then I hear the blender going? but when I go inside? Cidney? is trying to blend Madison’s phone? to bits? so I just go to bed? and when I get home? on Sunday? I realize I left my keys? at the house? and my roommate McKinley? is away until Monday? and the landlord is in Vancouver? so I am totally locked out of my apartment? but I have keys to my mom’s apartment? but she is already back from Spain? and is wasted and crying? cos she hooked up with some Basque racing driver’s girlfriend? and tennis boy got all jealous? and dumped her? and I have to listen to her? all night? and then wake at 2pm? and have take a sick day? and McKinley? doesn’t answer my text until 3? and then tennis boy calls from downstairs? and my mom kicks me out? and I am so exhausted? and it takes me twenty minutes? to refill my metro card?
So? Cidney? is back with her boyfriend? Jacob? and she brings him out? and he insists everyone has to call him DJ Cub? and then she spends most of the weekend? on the couch with him? breaking up again? and Stephanie takes stop motion video? of them? on her ipad? and spends her whole weekend? putting their breakup to different songs? and it is awsome? and Ashley? runs into this guy? she used to date? on the beach? and he works for The Nation? of The Onion? or something like that? and every time she talks to him? she does this weird cheerleaderey? fake oversmile? that is kinda creepy? and he does it too? and they are all OH MY GAWD! IT’S SOOOO GOOD TO SEEEEEEE YOU!!! and Walden? whispers it’s like they were in a cul?t together? and it so totally looks like that? so we move down the beach? and Riggers? is closed for the whole weekend? for some private party? and Madison? crashes it and get kicked out? and claims it is some kind of Paraguayan? drug cartel? conference? with powerpoint presentations? and is no fun? so we go to Sizzles? but it is a mob scene? and the bouncer? says no Riggers regulars allowed? and I go off on him? and he tries to taser me? but he grabs the chain? on my purse? and tasers himself? by accident? and the cops come? and we are totally outta there? and the cops close Sizzles down? so everyone just stands in the street? criticizing everyone’s clothes? and it is so boring?
so like I put on my swimsuit? and it is so tight? and I look kinda pregnant? but I’m not? and then it hits me? ten straight days of lunch from Carneville Sandwich Factoria? and I have put on like five pounds? and no sign of cute guy? from Riggers? I mean all those triple chimichanga? focaccia bowls? for nothing? so I literally don’t go to the beach? the whole weekend? and Cidney? brings her cousin? Buchanan? who takes one look at my sweatshirt? and is all like OMG? did you go to Hollister too? there are so many Hollister alumni around? it is just so awesome? I wish I’d gone to Hollister? it looks like such a fun school? and I am like OMG? is she for real? and then Joshua? starts yelling from the yard? and we all run outside? and Joshua is pointing up at the sky? and I look? and there is a big smudge of skywriting? that looks like OOMMMWW ?and then? BRINETTE WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE ~ I LOVE YOU ~ CAMPBELL? and Crescent? starts jumping up and down? and shrieking that she is so happy for me? and I am like shaking? and then my Mom calls? cos she is visiting friends? ten minutes away? and says? can you see that? you should call him? you know you don’t have many options? and I totally hang up on her? and I call the skywriting place? to see how much it would be? to write CAMPBELL DROP DEAD ASSHOLE? but it is way too expensive? so I text him instead? and then delete his number?
so this is the weekend? we agreed to let Cidney? host Buchanan’s? mini bachelorette party? and she turns up? with her friends Wilson? and Harding? and they are all wearing Hollister sweatshirts? and Buchanan? introduces me? as a Hollister alum? and I just can’t so I let it slide? and Harding’s boyfriend? An-Drew? With A Hyphen? has come too? and he is all kind of jockey? and challenges me to an arm wrestle? and Hardin? gets all freaked out? and jealous? so I go to the beach with Walden? and McKinley? and we run into cute guy? from Riggers? and Carneville Sandwich Factoria? and he smiles? and is all like I know you Carnevile right? and I am all like yeah? sometimes? and he is all like? I’m so totally over that place? you gotta check out the new Pro Fuel Bodymass Emporium? where the nail place? used to be? and I am all like? sure? and then he has to go? cos his friends? have got a jet ski? and he’s going to body surf? behind it? holding onto the rope? with only his teeth? and do I want to watch? and do I want to bet him $50? he can’t do it? and suddenly? I am not feeling like being at the beach? and go watch people going in and out of the Bulgari store? and drink two? triple skim chai ristretto mocha frappes? and get a really wired brain freeze?
so like? on Saturday? and Madison? brings out this little yappy dog? she is taking care of? while her sorority sister? is out of town? it is wearing a cone? and is called Schrödinger? and may or may not? have some kind of explosive bowel problem? and she has this friend? with her who just won’t stop talking? and she goes one and on “so like I get into an uber? Fight? because seriously? what at the odds?: two Brittoneys? (with an O)? waiting for a towncar? on the northeast corner? of First and 78th ? at the same time?” and I am ready to tear my face off and on Sunday I pick up McKinley’s? laptop? by accident? and try to log on to instagram? and 5 minutes later? I am surrounded by all these suits? with guns? ? and badges turns out? she works from some weird defense contractor? doing change management? for their new performance review procedure? and I have to go with them? and am so creeped out? but we sit in their van? and they just ask a few questions? and then they let me go? and one of them? is kinda cute? and his name is Noam? Without and G? and he gives me his number? and we go to the US Open yesterday? …