Feeling nostalgic for those Halcyon days when phone chargers got left in Alexa’s car, when Cidney was breaking up with her boyfriend every weekend and you weren’t sure if Crescent was a boy’s or girls’ name or just want a handy way to evangelize Hamptons House Share hell to your family, friends and co-workers without the tiresome bother of explaining what is going on?  Well, in the great tradition of Eastenders and Brookside we are proud to bring you the first ever Hamptons House Share Hell Omnibus:

Episode 1

…and last weekend? Stephanie? when it was raining? was out on the deck? like playing beer pong? with these two guys Cliff knows from Dartmouth? and it’s only like noon? and one of them is kinda cute? and totally wasted? but the other one? is totally Jersey Shore? and this whiny witch Meadow with the weird thighs who works at citibank? who has all the same weekends I do? who totally saw my flip-flops? on the porch? and left them out in the rain? oh my god? I left my phone charger? in Alexa’s car? on the way home? I am so totally bringing my air conditioner this weekend?…

Episode 2

…so I’m in the supermarket? and this totally gross little man comes up to me? and asks me where the tuna? is and I’m all like do I look? like I work here? seriously? and on Saturday? after we come back from Riggers? Stephanie? decides to go skinny dipping? in the pool? but the cover is so totally on? and this new guy? Ashland? who went to like some state school? somewhere in Jersey? and has a sixteenth of a half-share with Fabiana? drags her out? and one of her barrettes? sticks in his eye? and he has to go to the ER? and Evan? tries to put my air conditioner in the window? and drops it into the yard? and it smashes? all over this stupid windmill staue? that will come out of my deposit? and then he throws up all over my bed? and I spend the night in the hammock? and I am like so covered in like bug bites? like the worst ever? and Stephanie? says I coulda slept in her bed? cos she went to a party? with Ashland after the ER? and there are toast crumbs? and bits of pizza? like seriously? pizza? in my mayo? in the morning? and…

Epsiode 3

…So on Friday?  Campbell? is like a hour late? picking me up from work? cos he’s “in a meeting”? and then takes this stupid “short cut”? and it’s like 11:30 when we get there? and everyone is already gone out except for Cidney? or Sandy? or whatever her name is? who is on the couch having a phone breakup? with her boyfriend? Again? she’s like from somewhere lame on LAWN GUYLAND? AND TAWKS LOIKE THIS? and the whole house stinks? and I can’t find my blanket? and it’s been in the washing machine since last? week but Evan? never turned it on? and it smells like I don’t know? a subway train? in an outer borough? or something and then on Saturday Fabiana? brings her cousin? who is totally lame? and studies jazz history? at Princeton? or something? and talks about Monsanto? all the time? and Madison? falls asleep? on the deck? and one half of her face? gets all sunburnt? and she has to cover herself? with aftersun? and foundation? so she doesn’t look like deformed face painting? and Cliff? turns up with this huge grill? and smashes the old one? with his tennis racket? and he and Brinette? start assembling it? but give up half way? and go to Riggers? and we don’t see them again til Sunday afternoon? and there’s like this weird vibe? going on between them? and he’s like wearing her flip flops?….

Episode 4

So were are almost at the house? and this cop? on a motorbike? pulls over in front? of us and then this convoy? of like SUVs? goes by and it is like all secret service? and stuff and it is so like the Clintons? or someone? but the cop won’t tell? us and Campbell? says it can’t be? cos they would take a helicopter? and anyway they go to Martha’s Vineyard? and I am all like what does he know? is he like secretly watching E? and he’s all just shut up? and then I get out of the car? and he’s like fine and drives off? and I have to walk to the house? and when I get there Campbell’s car is there? but he’s not? and on Saturday? Cliff hooks up with this girl? at Riggers and brings her back? cos we finally got the jacuzzi working? and her name is Whitney? and as soon as she gets in the Jacuzzi? she starts freaking out? and says like that her heart is stopping? and Cliff says she had been drinking jaeger spice mixed with Fernet? Branca? Menta? since like noon? so I like am outta there? and want to like just go to bed but Brinette? says she has to like talk to me? so we go to Sizzles? cos everyone else will be going to Riggers? and she like tells me all this stuff? but I’m not like listening? cos they are like totally playing all this great 80’s music? and I say like “oh that’s too bad” when she stops talking? and she looks at me? all weird? and says oh that’s too bad???? calls me a cow? and storms off and I’m like whatever? and then I see Campbell? talking with some skinny witch in a day glo micro mini? and she’s all over him? and he’s all like got his preppy charm attack? turned on? the collar of his polo turned up? and those stupid sailing shades? turned round on the back of his head? and I just want to vomit on him? so I go back to the house and dump the garbage? all over his car?

Episode 5

..so like I get take the Jitney? with Amanda? and Ashley? cos Campbell and me? haven’t talked since last week? and he keeps like texting me? but I don’t even open? them and when we get to the house? Campbell’s car is there? and Brinette!!! is taking her stupid fake Amalio? Ferlinghetti? beach bag? out of his trunk? and I’m like WTF? and I go upstairs? and his beach stuff is gone from my room? and Brinette’s roommate Taylor? is putting her cheap stuff away? and I am like? are you kidding me with this shit? and so I go downstairs? and Campbell is in the Jacuzzi? and he’s all like ignoring me? so I throw a beach chair? at him and there’s this girl Megan? who tells everyone it spelled MEHGHEHENN? who’s in the next house? and she has this really cute little dog? and we’re like taking and stuff?  and the dog? like totally pisses all over my shoes? and I’m like it’s ok? They’re last year’s? but she starts screaming? and kicking the dog? and it’s totally not cool? and Tyler comes out? and takes the dog away from her? and then this girl Madison? who is doing the cooking? for Saturday dinner? someone is dumb enough to ask her? what she does? and the goes on and on? and she like works for this foundation? that is developing a way to transcribe vocal fry? and I’m like ~WHO~ needs ~THAT~? and she just looks at me? and shrugs at me? and Campbell? and Brinette? are all like hysterical? laughing and stuff? and I throw another beach chair? at them? and go out out back? with Tyler? to put the grill together? And we start making pina coladas? in the blender? out on the deck? and we drink two whole pitchers and the grill looks great? and then I have to lie down? …

Episode 6

…so like these two girls? Crescent? and Walden? turn up at the house? and I kinda recognize? them from Campbell’s? office and they tell us that they sublet? the rest of Campbell? and Brinette’s? shares and Campbell and Brinette? have a share somewhere else? and I am like so totally laughing? my ass off really loud? and everyone? is like looking at me weird? and I like go to my room? and start deleting all of Campbell’s texts? and then Taylor comes in? and she has the New York Times? on her ipad? and there is an announcement in it? that Campbell and Brinette? are engaged? and her parents in Greenwich? are delighted? and his parents in Old Greenwich? are even more delighted? and I just throw up all over it? and then we go to Riggers? and I get a pint of pickleback? and come third in the wet t-shirt contest? and break one of my heels? on the way up to get my prize? and one of the DJs? helps me up and he’s kinda cute? and we get talking? and he is like from Bridgeport? and works in an animal shelter? and his name is Brandon? and he is all sweet and walks me home? and makes me herbal tea? and starts talking to me? about the universe? and stuff? and then he is giving me this weird bracelet? and telling me about some meeting in the City? where I can get my past selves checked? and then Crescent? and Walden? turn up and he starts talking to them? and they are all like giggling? and stuff? and I fall asleep? and when I wake up Brandon is gone? and when I ask where he is? Crescent says he got back in his spaceship? and I fall asleep again and wake up? with my face? stuck to the couch? and Walden is still up playing xbox? and I’m all like? we have an xbox?…

Episode 7

So like Monday? I had to call in sick? cos I was like sick? I mean seriously? four days at the beach? when it’s raining? like I get there? on Thursday? for the 4th July weekend? and there’s this British girl? Guinevere? or Gwendolyn? or something all Downton Abbey like that? and she had a share? from the start of the summer? but never turned up? cos she was in Bosnia? or somewhere? doing stuff for the Olympics? or whatever?  and it’s raining? so she is so totally British? and like watches the World Cup? and says stuff like “flibbertigibbet?” and “bother?” and when she meets me? she is all “oh my dear? I am so dreadfully sorry? but God know you dodged a bullet? with that Campbell?” and I’m all like WTF? and she’s all like “Oh I simply can’t get through my Mondays? without Hamptons House Share Hell?” and I’m all like seriously? WTF? and she shows me? and it’s all out there on the internet? and it’s weird? and then I’m like whatever? and she says like? “it’s actually quite meta don’t you think?” and then she says we ought to have an At Home? and we are all like what? and she is all like it’s an all day party? without people doing shots? or throwing up in the yard? and we are OK? and she makes cucumber sandwiches? and puts on Wimbledon? on the DVR? and it is kinda fun? and when Madison? Crescent? and Joshua? get wasted and start doing shots? she goes all Mary Poppins? on them and they immediately quiet down? and it is so weird? like she is everyone’s mom? but then Mehghehenn? makes her a Margarita? and suddenly she’s all shouting “bollocks?” and playing Limp Bizkit really loud? and goes to Riggers? and just invites everyone she talks to? and she keeps us for three days and nights? Partying? and it is like fun? and chaos? and crazy stuff? so now it’s Tuesday? and I am still kinda sick? but had to come into work? and can’t get my contacts out?

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