So like Monday? I had to call in sick? cos I was like sick? I mean seriously? four days at the beach? when it’s raining? like I get there? on Thursday? for the 4th July weekend? and there’s this British girl? Guinevere? or Gwendolyn? or something all Downton Abbey like that? and she had a share? from the start of the summer? but never turned up? cos she was in Bosnia? or somewhere? doing stuff for the Olympics? or whatever?  and it’s raining? so she is so totally British? and like watches the World Cup? and says stuff like “flibbertigibbet?” and “bother?” and when she meets me? she is all “oh my dear? I am so dreadfully sorry? but God know you dodged a bullet? with that Campbell?” and I’m all like WTF? and she’s all like “Oh I simply can’t get through my Mondays? without Hamptons House Share Hell?” and I’m all like seriously? WTF? and she shows me? and it’s all out there on the internet? and it’s weird? and then I’m like whatever? and she says like? “it’s actually quite meta don’t you think?” and then she says we ought to have an At Home? and we are all like what? and she is all like it’s an all day party? without people doing shots? or throwing up in the yard? and we are OK? and she makes cucumber sandwiches? and puts on Wimbledon? on the DVR? and it is kinda fun? and when Madison? Crescent? and Joshua? get wasted and start doing shots? she goes all Mary Poppins? on them and they immediately quiet down? and it is so weird? like she is everyone’s mom? but then Mehghehenn? makes her a Margarita? and suddenly she’s all shouting “bollocks?” and playing Limp Bizkit really loud? and goes to Riggers? and just invites everyone she talks to? and she keeps us for three days and nights? Partying? and it is like fun? and chaos? and crazy stuff? so now it’s Tuesday? and I am still kinda sick? but had to come into work? and can’t get my contacts out?

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