June 2014

…so like these two girls? Crescent? and Walden? turn up at the house? and I kinda recognize? them from Campbell’s? office and they tell us that they sublet? the rest of Campbell? and Brinette’s? shares and Campbell and Brinette? have a share somewhere else? and I am like so totally laughing? my ass off really loud? and everyone? is like looking at me weird? and I like go to my room? and start deleting all of Campbell’s texts? and then Taylor comes in? and she has the New York Times? on her ipad? and there is an announcement in it? that Campbell and Brinette? are engaged? and her parents in Greenwich? are delighted? and his parents in Old Greenwich? are even more delighted? and I just throw up all over it? and then we go to Riggers? and I get a pint of pickleback? and come third in the wet t-shirt contest? and break one of my heels? on the way up to get my prize? and one of the DJs? helps me up and he’s kinda cute? and we get talking? and he is like from Bridgeport? and works in an animal shelter? and his name is Brandon? and he is all sweet and walks me home? and makes me herbal tea? and starts talking to me? about the universe? and stuff? and then he is giving me this weird bracelet? and telling me about some meeting in the City? where I can get my past selves checked? and then Crescent? and Walden? turn up and he starts talking to them? and they are all like giggling? and stuff? and I fall asleep? and when I wake up Brandon is gone? and when I ask where he is? Crescent says he got back in his spaceship? and I fall asleep again and wake up? with my face? stuck to the couch? and Walden is still up playing xbox? and I’m all like? we have an xbox?…




..so like I get take the Jitney? with Amanda? and Ashley? cos Campbell and me? haven’t talked since last week? and he keeps like texting me? but I don’t even open? them and when we get to the house? Campbell’s car is there? and Brinette!!! is taking her stupid fake Amalio? Ferlinghetti? beach bag? out of his trunk? and I’m like WTF? and I go upstairs? and his beach stuff is gone from my room? and Brinette’s roommate Taylor? is putting her cheap stuff away? and I am like? are you kidding me with this shit? and so I go downstairs? and Campbell is in the Jacuzzi? and he’s all like ignoring me? so I throw a beach chair? at him and there’s this girl Megan? who tells everyone it spelled MEHGHEHENN? who’s in the next house? and she has this really cute little dog? and we’re like taking and stuff?  and the dog? like totally pisses all over my shoes? and I’m like it’s ok? They’re last year’s? but she starts screaming? and kicking the dog? and it’s totally not cool? and Tyler comes out? and takes the dog away from her? and then this girl Madison? who is doing the cooking? for Saturday dinner? someone is dumb enough to ask her? what she does? and the goes on and on? and she like works for this foundation? that is developing a way to transcribe vocal fry? and I’m like ~WHO~ needs ~THAT~? and she just looks at me? and shrugs at me? and Campbell? and Brinette? are all like hysterical? laughing and stuff? and I throw another beach chair? at them? and go out out back? with Tyler? to put the grill together? And we start making pina coladas? in the blender? out on the deck? and we drink two whole pitchers and the grill looks great? and then I have to lie down? …

So were are almost at the house? and this cop? on a motorbike? pulls over in front? of us and then this convoy? of like SUVs? goes by and it is like all secret service? and stuff and it is so like the Clintons? or someone? but the cop won’t tell? us and Campbell? says it can’t be? cos they would take a helicopter? and anyway they go to Martha’s Vineyard? and I am all like what does he know? is he like secretly watching E? and he’s all just shut up? and then I get out of the car? and he’s like fine and drives off? and I have to walk to the house? and when I get there Campbell’s car is there? but he’s not? and on Saturday? Cliff hooks up with this girl? at Riggers and brings her back? cos we finally got the jacuzzi working? and her name is Whitney? and as soon as she gets in the Jacuzzi? she starts freaking out? and says like that her heart is stopping? and Cliff says she had been drinking jaeger spice mixed with Fernet? Branca? Menta? since like noon? so I like am outta there? and want to like just go to bed but Brinette? says she has to like talk to me? so we go to Sizzles? cos everyone else will be going to Riggers? and she like tells me all this stuff? but I’m not like listening? cos they are like totally playing all this great 80’s music? and I say like “oh that’s too bad” when she stops talking? and she looks at me? all weird? and says oh that’s too bad???? calls me a cow? and storms off and I’m like whatever? and then I see Campbell? talking with some skinny witch in a day glo micro mini? and she’s all over him? and he’s all like got his preppy charm attack? turned on? the collar of his polo turned up? and those stupid sailing shades? turned round on the back of his head? and I just want to vomit on him? so I go back to the house and dump the garbage? all over his car?


The Loyal Reader: Oh I’ve been looking forwatd to this all weekend.  Couldn’t even concentrate on the World Cup with the sheer anticipation of it.

TDIA: That is very nice of you to say.  Well here ye are and this year fro the first, it is multimedia, with our very first artisanal hand crafted Bloomsday twiterature.

Dedalus, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him,

The Loyal Reader:  Ah that’s lovely.  Food for the soul!  You are making great progress now.  Only another eh, let me see, fourteen, carry the one, 10,600 years or so and you’ll get To Molly’s soliloquy.


The Loyal Reader: That’s desperate rain all the same.  Wouldn’t put an iron gate out in that!

TDIA: I imagine you are just not here to give me a weather report.

The Loyal Reader: Ehm. No.  I’ve been meaning to drop in.  I was getting worried that there would be not Bloomsday Twiterature this year.

TDIA: Really?

The Loyal Reader: Well what with you know, you’re low brow cheap laughs thing you have going on…

TDIA: I pick up Auden?

The Loyal Reader: You know the Hamptons House Share hell thing.  I mean really, in all fairness, it’s not of the same caliber and I was wondering if, well you were going to abandon the Bloomsday twiterature thing.

TDIA: Are ye mad?  Of course no.  do you really think hamptons House Share hell and Ulysses canot exist in the same space?  Did you kow Joyce opened the first cinema in Dublin?  Did you know Ludwig Wittgenstein used to go to Cowboy movies all the time.  If course they can co exist.

The Loyal Reader: Ah fair enough.  No need to get shirty I was only saying…

TDIA: No harm done and it is as well you remind me.  time to bring everyone up to date – Bloomsday Twiterature The Story So Far:

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of

lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown,

ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He

held the bowl aloft and intoned:

–_Introibo ad altare Dei_.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

–Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit!

Solemnly he came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about

and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding land and the

awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Stephen Dedalus, he bent

towards him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat

and shaking his head. Stephen

The Loyal Reader: Ah that’s, lovely.  I’ll be on the lookout for the next installment on Monday.

TDIA: Fair enough.

The Loyal Reader: Now, about the Hamptons, any chance someone will disparage someone else’s fake designer purse this weekend?  Or how on earth could Cliff possibly wear Brinette’s flip flops?  Does she have big feet or he small?  You left that ambiguous.  Will there be any spandex bikinis, I always say they drive clickthrough.  I mean, I’m just curious like.

TDIA: See you on Monday!


…So on Friday?  Campbell? is like a hour late? picking me up from work? cos he’s “in a meeting”? and then takes this stupid “short cut”? and it’s like 11:30 when we get there? and everyone is already gone out except for Cidney? or Sandy? or whatever her name is? who is on the couch having a phone breakup? with her boyfriend? Again? she’s like from somewhere lame on LAWN GUYLAND? AND TAWKS LOIKE THIS? and the whole house stinks? and I can’t find my blanket? and it’s been in the washing machine since last? week but Evan? never turned it on? and it smells like I don’t know? a subway train? in an outer borough? or something and then on Saturday Fabiana? brings her cousin? who is totally lame? and studies jazz history? at Princeton? or something? and talks about Monsanto? all the time? and Madison? falls asleep? on the deck? and one half of her face? gets all sunburnt? and she has to cover herself? with aftersun? and foundation? so she doesn’t look like deformed face painting? and Cliff? turns up with this huge grill? and smashes the old one? with his tennis racket? and he and Brinette? start assembling it? but give up half way? and go to Riggers? and we don’t see them again til Sunday afternoon? and there’s like this weird vibe? going on between them? and he’s like wearing her flip flops?…. #hamptonshousesharehell

Thanks to the unprecedented success of our weekend fundraiser we were able to engage media consultants MGHB&F who recommend making #hamptonshousesharehell a synergistic weekly feature in association with The Definitive Indefinite Article and to reposition it on Mondays:

…so I’m in the supermarket? and this totally gross little man comes up to me? and asks me where the tuna? is and I’m all like do I look? like I work here? seriously? and on Saturday? after we come back from Riggers? Stephanie? decides to go skinny dipping? in the pool? but the cover is so totally on? and this new guy? Ashland? who went to like some state school? somewhere in Jersey? and has a sixteenth of a half-share with Fabiana? drags her out? and one of her barrettes? sticks in his eye? and he has to go to the ER? and Evan? tries to put my air conditioner in the window? and drops it into the yard? and it smashes? all over this stupid windmill staue? that will come out of my deposit? and then he throws up all over my bed? and I spend the night in the hammock? and I am like so covered in like bug bites? like the worst ever? and Stephanie? says I coulda slept in her bed? cos she went to a party? with Ashland after the ER? and there are toast crumbs? and bits of pizza? like seriously? pizza? in my mayo? in the morning? and… #hamptonshousesharehell

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