The following is a transcript from a piece of paper found on the District Line tube between Plaistow and Upton Park last night:

[…] Exit giant Thatcher as the stadium fills with Pearly Kings, Wenlocks, Mandevilles, taxi drivers, nurses, firemen, fishermen, miners, crofters, tenors, archers, milkmen etc etc.  The din of singing  gradually coalesces into “Knees Up Mother Brown”  Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins, simply dressed, black trousers, white shirts with sleeves rolled up, approach the giant bell.  They solemnly ring it three times and declaim: “Time now ladies n gennelmen!  Drink up!   Time now!  We must clear the premises!  Time now ladies n gennelmen!”

They stand back from the bell and stand meditatively polishing pint glasses with Jubilee tea towels. 

Exeunt singers to tune of “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

Enter British Gas van.  Approaches Olympic flame.  Technician alights,  consults clipboard, opens manhole, turns off gas extinguishing flame.  Exit British Gas van.  Slow fade to black.

“Time now ladies n gennelmen!”