The Next Shiniest Solution

 

Botch and Bungle to the Rescue!

 

Stung by accusations that 2016 was too long to wait for a spaceship to another planet, Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline released this statement: 

We are aware that Top Kill was not quite the success it might have been and that Starcluster Gateway is a long way away for many people so in the interim we are going to go ahead with Open Shut.  This involves sending a large plastic bag filled with bath toys and letters of protest into the plume, having that fail and then sending down a giant scissors operated by the finest technicians on loan to us from the Olympic Committee to cut off the bit if broken pipe sticking up.  Hopefully that will succeed and I can get back to assembling my new lawn furniture. 

I know some of you will say this sounds like the silliest idea yet but I urge you to look at the picture.   These are no ordinary scissors! 

Wall Street analysts were conservative in their estimations of the potential impact of this new strategy.  A Goldbag Sacks Spokeslemming said: 

While this continual spewing of oil and gas represents a potential upside for oil and gas futures in a holistic forward-looking supply-demand shortfall scenario, we do expect to see some volatility in the nail clippers, scissors, shears and lawnmower sector. 

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