June 2010


After an all night session the Pugnacious Arts Section of FIFA (Floundering In Football Administration) released the following statement exclusively to The Definitive Indefinite Article:

In previous World Cups we have waited until the end of the tournament to award the Psychotic Bastard Skinhead Award but we feel that this year the Ivory Coast selection in today’s game against Brazil produced a display of vicious kicking and career-ending tackles that we unlikely to see again in this tournament.  In light of this display of unbridled and unthinking violence we feel that we can safely say the Psychotic Skinhead Award for 2010 has found an indisputable winner.  Nothing shot of two teams taking to the field with 4×2’s could rival this.

Said a veteran observer of Glasgow Celtic vs. Rangers games:

Usually when a team starts kicking the shit out of another there is some tactical reason for it, this was so devoid of any tactical motive as to border on post modern art.  The more they fouled, the less time they had to try to get a goal back.  It was almost as much pure art as the collective self immolation by sulking of the French team.

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The Earnest Reader: Is it that time of year already?

TDIA: What?  Why do you people keep wandering in here and bothering me?  What time of year?

The Earnest Reader:  Bloomsday.

TDIA: Already?

The Earnest Reader: Exactly what I was saying.  So?

TDIA: So?  What?

The Earnest Reader: Will there be Twiterature this year.

TDIA: Eh yeah sure. Was just a bit distracted lamenting the bloom coming off the rows of cast steel in the world Cup.  Eh here you are:, Picking up from where we left off last year comes this year’s twiterature installment of Ulysses:

gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:–_Introibo ad altare Dei_.  Ha

The Earnest Reader: Ah, that’s fabulous?  do ye count spaces.

TDIA: We do.  Why.

The Earnest Reader: Just figuring.

TDIA: What?

The Earnest Reader: Well at this rate it’ll take another 10,628 years to do the whole thing.  See ye next year.

Following the partial success (the other part was complete failure) of Operation Open Shut the increasingly erratic Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline issued the following statement:

Operation Open Shut was only partially successful despite the valiant efforts of Botch and Bungle, uhm, I mean, Wedlock and Mandible, uhm, you know who I mean the two wrench like wraiths we borrowed from the London Olympics who really didn’t do that good a job when you think about it.  [Mumbles indistinctly]  We are now considering the Glass Hammer Solution.  This simple and elegant solution will drop a huge glass hammer onto the oil slick (it’s glass so we can see through it to aim).  This will disperse it into globlets small enough to be retrieved in the average pleasure craft.  We will pay a bounty of $100 for every barrel returned to our temporary headquarters in Camp Fuck Off Public No Admittance.

We expect manufacture to take 5-8 days and the design phase for helicopters large enough to carry it out to sea to be complete by June 18.  If I might be so bold as to quote the Irish Nobel winner Samuel Beckett: “Try again.  Fail again. Fail better.”  Now if you will excuse me I have to play in a five-a-side rugby tournament in Dubai.

Wall Street analysts shook their heads and walked away in the direction of Gargle McDargles Irish Pub on Pine Street.

The Next Shiniest Solution

 

Botch and Bungle to the Rescue!

 

Stung by accusations that 2016 was too long to wait for a spaceship to another planet, Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline released this statement: 

We are aware that Top Kill was not quite the success it might have been and that Starcluster Gateway is a long way away for many people so in the interim we are going to go ahead with Open Shut.  This involves sending a large plastic bag filled with bath toys and letters of protest into the plume, having that fail and then sending down a giant scissors operated by the finest technicians on loan to us from the Olympic Committee to cut off the bit if broken pipe sticking up.  Hopefully that will succeed and I can get back to assembling my new lawn furniture. 

I know some of you will say this sounds like the silliest idea yet but I urge you to look at the picture.   These are no ordinary scissors! 

Wall Street analysts were conservative in their estimations of the potential impact of this new strategy.  A Goldbag Sacks Spokeslemming said: 

While this continual spewing of oil and gas represents a potential upside for oil and gas futures in a holistic forward-looking supply-demand shortfall scenario, we do expect to see some volatility in the nail clippers, scissors, shears and lawnmower sector. 

BeePee's Past Success Story

CEO of BeePee Moxy Potline says that they have had the solution to the problem for months but have kept it under wraps while they focus grouped a sexy name for it. 

We decided that we needed something with the market presence of “Top Kill” so we held off until we had something really impactful.  That’s not to say that our attempts thus far to fix the leak have been just for show – they just look that way.

Starcluster Getaway will involve relocating the entire population of the planet to nearby Sigma Centauri 5.  We belive that the system can support life.  Well, it can certainly support as much life as the Mexican Gulf.  The first ships will begin leaving from Stoke-on-Trent as early as 2016.  In the meantime we implore everyone to be patient and keep their chins up, especially when swimming.

Shares in BeePee rose sharply and then exploded into fairy dust following the announcement.