May 2010

Enviro Hippy Nightmare

Tired of the Gulf Coast getting all the sympathy?  Well New York could get in on the action.  It’s called Hydrofracking.  It’s as much fun as it sounds – you pump thousands of gallons of chemicals into the rock and try to push some gas. The chance for fame and nightly news coverage?  No one can say that the chemical brew will not get into the watershed.   Just think – a whole state’s drinking water turned into toxic slime!  Think of the ratings!

Tell your legistators to get their hydrofracking lazy butts moving and make this dream a reality!


Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse: Deepshit Horizon turns into the toxic chemical version of The was an old woman who swallowed a fly as they heap toxic chemical on top of the mess to make it look better; you were just about to buy a Picasso and it gets nicked; Karl Rove has moved into your basement and then this…Botch and Bungle – I’m sorry, I’ll read that again – Wenlock and Mandeville, the mascots for the 2012 Olympics bound onto the world stage in all their cheery hideousness.  Out of work actors across Europe collectively shuddered on seeing them, registering a 6.3 on the Cobi/Izzy Mascota Jorobada Scale.


Busy graphs help rattle punters

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The Perplexed Reader: Have you seen this?

TDIA:  Can’t you see I’m buttering my toast?

The Perplexed Reader: Do you do anything on this blog any more?

TDIA:  I’ve been busy.

The Perplexed Reader: I can see that.  Busy buying slippers online.

TDIA:  It’s so hard to choose.  I have to get them home first to decide.

The Perplexed Reader: Have you seen this?

TDIA:  What?

The Perplexed Reader: The oil spill!  Deepshit Horizon.  They said is was 5,000 barrels a day but now it appears it is more like 70,000 barrels a day.

TDIA:  That’s terrifying.

The Perplexed Reader: You think that’s terrifying?  Try this.  I saw it in The Guardian on your doorstep.

Tony Hayward, the beleaguered chief executive of oil giant BP, has claimed the company’s oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is “relatively tiny” compared with the “very big ocean”.


TDIA:  I’ve never really understood relativity.

The Perplexed Reader: Neither does he.  And dispersing an oil slick just makes it look like it’s gone away, it drives it into the water.  Like the Gulf of Mexico needs more dead zones.  What they did is like driving into Death Valley with no spare tire hoping not to get a flat.  If you are going to drill a mile down in the ocean, you need to have a plan for the worst case not just plan on the best case scenario. The worst case was everything fails and now they are all scratching their balls going “Well, this worked at 300 feet funny how it’s not working a mile deep.”  And now they’r edoing the “it’s a very big ocean” thing.  Is this a Simpson’s Episode?

TDIA:  You should write a letter to someone or other.  Do you think these would be better without the tassel?

THIS is who controls the world economy.

After a busy Friday of panic selling the Lemmings have returned to the trading floors, this time in their other mode: frenzied buying.   A spokesvole for Goldbag Sacks said: “Since the 2008 credit crisis, we have let most of our traders go and replaced them with Smart Phone savvy lemmings.   Most senior management positions are now occupied by voles or muskrats.  The ROI has been extraordinary.   Initially we were concerned that we might lose some of the nuance that human traders brought to the market but we are confident that the lemmings can outdo human traders in both panic selling and frenzied buying, the two most popular market strategies today.

The Hedgeer Hemlein Index hit an all time high of 18,122.84 on the news that the European Central Bank was going to throw money at every lemming it could find.

The Perplexed Reader: Now here’s the thing I don’t understand.

TDIA: Can’t you see I’m busy?

The Perplexed Reader: Busy with what?  Watching Star Trek?

TDIA: It’s research for a project on the World Cup.

The Perplexed Reader: Right. 

TDIA: I’m not going to post this.  No one ever comes in here on Fridays.  They’re all too busy gearing up to get hammered at lunchtime or buying shoes online.

The Perplexed Reader: Well, as I was saying, the thing I don’t understand about this Deepshit Horizon.

TDIA: That’s “Deepwater.”

The Perplexed Reader: Whatever.  Same thing.  Anyway the thing I don’t understand is why they didn’t have an acoustic switch.  I read in the Wall Street Journal that

U.S. regulators don’t mandate use of the remote-control device on offshore rigs, and the Deepwater Horizon, hired by oil giant BP PLC, didn’t have one.”  

Why not?  Other countries require them.  It’s not like they’re poor!  I mean the thing only costs half a million.  You’d think even if it was a 50/50 chance of working it would be worth it?  Right?  I mean the bastards made over $6 billion in the first quarter of this year!

TDIA: Look I am really not going to post this.

The Perplexed Reader: But it’s an outrage!

TDIA: It is, it is.  But it’s a job for the regulators.

The Perplexed Reader: The regulators!  My arse!  They are only waiting to serve out their term by doing the minimum of regulating so they can go work for an oil company and help them get around even the paltry existing regulations.  It’s sociopathic on a vast scale. 

TDIA: Look.  I have to go out.  I don’t have milk.  You can shout at the cat if you like. [Exit]

The Perplexed Reader:  Hmmmmm. 

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

New post…..copy…paste…. preview…publish…[Click]

When the suits were all sitting around the room naming this hole in the ocean floor, did no one have a shudder of hubris or remembrance of any science fiction movie they have ever seen? Really people, could you possibly name something “Deepwater Horizon” and not have a feeling that it had disaster written all over it? Did no one get an eerie mind’s eye image of Bruce Willis in a leaky submarine trying to stop an underwater oil geyser with a camping knife and some sage advice from the recently sobered-up Sean Connery up top. Really? Did no one in the room say: “Can we name this thing so it DOESN’T sound like a summer blockbuster disaster filck?”
When you are doing something so ill-advised that you need to cloak it in futuristic naming and branding you need to think twice.
“Hey Tommy! What are you doing with peering into that firework filled beer bottle? Isn’t that dangerous”
“It’s not a firework-filled beer bottle, it’s the Eye of Horus Visionary Portal.”