March 2010

It has come as a complete surprise to The Management to discover that The Definitive Indefinite Article has been funding its existence on the basis of Interstitial Debit Default Futures, a hedged bet against toxic assets being bought by taxpayers, a derivative so toxic not even AIG or Citibank would touch it.  While we fight off the myriad hostile takeovers and asset-stripping ravenous investment bankers  hammering at our doors we leave you to ponder this:

If politics is the last resort of the scoundrel, what does that mean lobbying is when that is the place politicians go after their political “careers” are washed up?  Where sociopaths go to feel part of a “community”?

We hope to resume normal service after some deep consultation with our lawyers Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitzi, Spaider, LLC..


In honour of the equinox and in the spirit of Irishry occasioned by the Welshman Patrick.  The Definitive Indefinite Article is proud to offer the world’s first blog post in Ogham.

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The Long-Standing Reader: I hate to interrupt this long silence but we have been wondering when we can expect your annual St. Patrick’s Day Message.

TDIA: I have to admit I am somewhat flattered that you remembered.

The Long-Standing Reader: Who could forget that first stirring post of the St. Patrick’s Day Triathlon in preparation for the 2008 Olympics.  Remember these?

And all that upbeat optimism in the face of financial implosion…

TDIA: It seems like only yesterday.

The Long-Standing Reader: And do you remember last year with the 200 interns running amok?

TDIA: Are you trying to turn this post into a clip show?

The Long-Standing Reader: Well frankly I’m trying to help you out here, it doesn’t look like you have much to say this year.

TDIA: Well I have been meaning to tell you all about that.  You see for this year’s Patrick’s Day post we planned to have a huge parade.  And as everyone knows you can’t really have a REAL St. Patrick’s Day parade without hundreds of out of work actors wearing giant papier mâché heads.

The Long-Standing Reader: I though you just needed to make sure there were no homosexuals in it.

TDIA: That’s just in Amerikay.

The Long-Standing Reader: Ah I see.  Ayoaych!

TDIA: Bless you!  So, anyway, instead of 300 giant papier mâché heads we received only yesterday the title deeds to 300 Head Shops.

The Long-Standing Reader: Head Shops?

TDIA: Yes.  Purveyors of soi-disant…

The Long-Standing Reader: You’re throwing in a lot of French today, aren’t you?

TDIA: It’s kind of by special request.  Anyway, Head Shops are soi-disant purveyors of natural highs that have been mushrooming (if you will pardon the pun) throughout Erin’s Green Isle.

The Long-Standing Reader: That was a pun?  So now you own 300 of them?

TDIA: Well, hopefully not.  I would hate to be part of increasing unemployment in an already dire climate.

The Long-Standing Reader: Come again?

TDIA: These Head Shops are putting honest-to-God hardworking drug dealers out of work.  Who is going to lurk around in piss smelling doorways when you can walk into a legitimate shop and get your head fix there over the counter with a receipt and all?  Some drug dealers are so distressed they have taken to setting fire to head shops.  Allegedly.

The Long-Standing Reader: So what is going to happen to your parade?

TDIA: I don’t know.  Maybe we will grind up the Head Shop deeds and add some water and flour and make a couple of giant heads out of them and throw in a couple of spandex bikinis for good measure.  Right now that seems to be our best option.  Failing that we might just sit around all day and honour the late Eugene Lambert and watch our favourite Wanderly Wagon clips. (Email subscribers need to actually visit us to see these clips but don’t both click at once or you’ll crash the server)

The Long-Standing Reader: Uhm, I look forward to that…I think…