January 2010


Corporate Quiz

Many of our readers will be familiar with the recent US Supreme Court Decision allowing corporations to pour unlimited monies into political campaigns…

The Insistent Reader: Now why would they say such a thing?

TDIA: Because legally corporations are persons and the argument goes that limiting their ability to buy off politicians violates their constitutional rights.

The Insistent Reader: People are they?

TDIA: Yes, in a way

The Insistent Reader: Are there gay corporations?

TDIA: What?

The Insistent Reader: Are there gay corporations like there are gay people?

TDIA: I don’t know.

The Insistent Reader: So there could be.  In so far as no one has ever proved conclusively that corporations are NOT gay.

TDIA: I suppose so.

The Insistent Reader: So for all we know all these mergers going on could be between gay corporations.

TDIA: If you want to think of it that way.

The Insistent Reader: I do!  I do!  [Getting excited.  Sees job at Washington Post in his future]  So corporations, technically, being people who may or may not be gay, have been merging for years.  All this gay marriage has been going on under our noses all this time?  This is huge!  This could put me on the Think Thank gravy train.  This could….

TDIA: Close the gate behind you on your way out.

The Supreme Court of the United States has cleared the way for Members of the US Congress to accept unlimited corporate money and display the logos of their benefactorson their suits provided they are always accompanied by Public Image Modulation Personell or PIMP.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/22/us/politics/22scotus.html?partner=rss&emc=rss

“It is incumbent on us to protect our Democracy by ensuring that our elected officials do not roam around the Capitol without their PIMPs.  That would de a travesty of the democratic process,” said the Justices.

“I was thinking that politics was the oldest profession in the world but this decision has just reminded me of another one,” declared a court observer.  “Some of these guys are going to end up looking like Nascar drivers.”

As Chris Dodd considers his legacy on US Senate banking Committee he should consider this gem courtesy of our friends over at The Mire :

 http://themire.net/new-era-dawns-as-banks-refer-to-customers-as-victims/

The Mire has learned that the interim financial watchdog is to reform the language of banking as an initial step in trying to change the behaviour of banks.

“Most bankers don’t think they did anything wrong,” a spokesman said. “By changing the language of banking we believe bankers will come to accept that what they do is wrong and will ultimately stop doing it.

“So, from January 11th bank customers will be referred to as ‘victims’ and all transactions will be known as ‘muggings’ or ‘violations’. This is a small step but we believe it is a step in the right direction,” he added.

“It is hoped at a later date to introduce a system whereby bank customers – or victims – will be able to make victim impact statements. If the banks do develop a moral compass there are also plans to change the language of the catholic church and the public sector unions.”

From the You Can’t Make This Shit Up Department with all gratitude to the Irish Times and, of course, the Slovakian Security forces:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2010/0105/breaking39.htm

CONOR LALLY, CRIME CORRESPONDENT

A Garda investigation is under way after a Slovakian man unwittingly carried explosives on a commercial flight to Ireland as part of an airport security check that went wrong.

The 49-year-old was one of eight people who had plastic explosives planted in their luggage last Saturday morning at Bratislava airport by the Slovakian security services.

The covert planting of the material in the passengers’ bags was done to test the airport’s security screening.

Security checks at the airport uncovered seven of the concealments. However, the man flying to Dublin was not detected.

He passed through all checks in Bratislava, took his flight to Dublin airport and then travelled into his apartment on Gardner St in Dublin’s north inner city.

He unpacked his bag but the explosives had been concealed so well that he did not find them. The Slovakian authorities only realised yesterday that one batch of explosives was missing. They established the Dublin-bound passenger had not been detected.

The airport police at Bratislava airport then contacted their counterparts in Dublin. Gardaí were then alerted, identified the man’s flat and went to it and searched it. The Army’s bomb disposal experts examined the explosives at the scene.

The roads around the apartment complex including Dorset St, a main artery into the city, were sealed off for an hour, and local apartments and businesses were evacuated. The area was declared safe at 12.05pm.

The 96 grams of plastic explosives were taken away for examination by Garda ballistics experts.

The man at the centre of the incident knew nothing about the explosives that had been planted in his bag. He was arrested at his apartment, but gardai released him after they satisfied themselves he was completely innocent.

He has been living in Ireland for some time and works here as an electrician. He was returning to Ireland after holidaying in Slovakia over Christmas.

The Government and Garda have been in contact with the Slovakian authorities. The Slovakian Minister for the Interior has already expressed his “profound regret” to Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern.

Garda Commissioner Fachtna Murphy has appointed Det Chief Supt Martin McLaughlin to establish the full background into the incident.

As the New Year’s rush to grab content for digital reading devices like kindles and nooks and L&N Books’ newly reconfigured MeBuke continues unabated The Definitive Indefinite Article is delighted to announce that it has acquired Erse Holes 4 Everyone, Inc and has launched Twitríocht.
The Cantankerous Reader: And what good, tell me, will that do for the world?
TDIA: It will provide our subscriberverse (C) snippets of Irish literature in Gaelic an allow our readers to decide what works they would like to download for their digital reading devices.

The Cantankerous Reader: Would you ever get yourself a real job at all?  [Stomps through scullery.  Sound of back door slamming]

TDIA:  Now that he’s safely ensconced in the shed smoking and sulking we can get on with the lauch of Twitríocht (R)

Is Mise Raifteirí an file,
Lán dúchais is grádh,
Le súile gan solas,
Le ciúnas gan crá.
Ag dul síar ar m’aistear
Le solas mo chroí
Fann agu

From Is Mise Raifteirí