May 2009


 

The Earnest Reader: Due to overwhelming demand we are continuing our twiterature portal and today expand into, if you will, Twiteratura. 

The Concerned Reader:  Why? Oh why? 

The Earnest Reader: We have received innumerable requests to identify the landscape in our newly-rebranded banner and so here it is: 

En un lugar de la Mancha, de cuyo nombre no quiero acordarme, no ha mucho tiempo que vivía un hidalgo de los de lanza en astillero, adarga a

 El Ingenioso Lector Don Alejandro de Manzanilla:  ¿Pero qué coño es esto? 140 caracteres del Quijote?  ¿Es idiota usted?   

 The Concerned Reader:  What’s he saying?

 The Earnest Reader: He’s congratulating us on our efforts to bring world literature before our readers.

 El Ingenioso Lector Don Alejandro de Manzanilla:  ¡Y para mayor INRI usted se niega a traducir lo que digo! 

 The Concerned Reader:  He sounds kind of angry and concerned.

 The Earnest Reader:  No not at all.  He is still taking inordinate pleasure in Barcelona’s victory over Manchester United on Wednesday.

 El Ingenioso Lector Don Alejandro de Manzanilla:  ¡Que yo soy del Betis!  ¡La madre que le trajo!

 The Earnest Reader: Muchos gracias.  Ahora we musteo close el blog to saveo electricityo.  [Exeunt in darkness]

The Earnest Reader: As part of our Interactive Educational Portal I am delighted to announce the first in our series of what we are calling “Classics of World Twiterature”  wherein we twitter the great works of literature.  But first we have decided to adopt “harrow” as the collective noun for clusterfucks.  and now here is our first twitterature offering:

About thirty years ago, Miss Maria Ward, of Huntingdon, with only seven thousand pounds, had the good luck to captivate Sir Thomas Bertram,

The Casual Reader: That’s it?

The Earnest Reader: It is indeed.  isn’t the concision just wonderful?

The Casual Reader: But that’s just the first 140 charcaers of Mansfield Park.

The Earnest Reader: Well spotted!  And what more did you expect on a free blog being run by readers like me?  A 140-character Marxist critique?

The Casual Reader: Point taken.  You will be discontinuing the misleading references to spandex bikinis that were such a blight on this site when the proprietor was in chanrge?

The Earnest Reader:  I had not given it much thought.  I will ponder this.

The Casual Reader:  What the hell happened here?   

The Earnest Reader: You mean the wall paper?

The Casual Reader: I mean the whole set-up!  The tiny font; the un lugar de La Mancha picture.

The Earnest Reader: Well, some consultants came to the door yesterday…

The Casual Reader:  You mean marketing consultants?

The Earnest Reader: [Defensively]Ehm, yeah.

The Casual Reader:  And they told you you needed to rebrand and reposition while himself was up a mountan trying to be a monk?

The Earnest Reader:  Uhm, yeah.

The Casual Reader: It’s really none of my business but, have your EVER heard of a marketing/ branding/positioning consultant, come to a place, look at it and say: “You know what?  Your last consultant really got it right.  You don’t need to change anything.  I’d just be taking your money for nothing.”  

The Earnest Reader:  Eh, no I haven’t actually.

The Casual Reader: THAT’S BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENS! It’s like someone saying a “ballet of clusterfucks” – it simply doesn’t work that way!

The Earnest Reader:  Ah, I see your point.  So I should….

The Casual Reader: Nah, leave it alone.  Who’s going to notice?  Certainly not himself, all pissed out of his head on Spanish brandy way up a mountain.  Maybe it’s good to change things once in a while.  Just think-  wouldn’t it be nice to see the Eurovision Song Contest without a single spandex biniki once in a while?

The Earnest Reader: I have no idea what you are talking about.

The Casual Reader: Enjoy the new wall paper.

The Earnest Reader: For those of you out there wondering: “Whyfore the long silence on this site?” I am here to tell you that the Proprietor has taken himself up a mountain in Donegal and is trying to be a Monk under the tutelage of a mystic from Albuquerque.  So it falls to me to keep this blog going.

 

The Apostate Reader: What about me?

 

The Curious Reader:  And me?

 

The Earnest Reader: You will all get your turn but for now I am launching The Definitive Indefinite Article’s Interactive Educational Portal.  To wit: we all know the collective nouns, gaggle of geese, herd of antelope, murder of crows, but what, dear public, is the collective noun for clusterfucks?  Answers below please.

The Definitive Indefinite Article has agreed sale of the giant silver letters “A”  “I” and “G” to Jai-Alai 3Card Monty LLC.  The letters will be used for the headquarters of Jai-Alai’s new Private Public Partnership, IGA, Insatiable Global Acquisitiveness. 

The Concerned Reader:  And what, may we ask will IGA be doing?  Exporting spandex bikinis to Patagonia? 

TDIA: They will be buying legacy assets for Jai-Alai in a… 

The Concerned Reader: …Legacy Assets!  Legacy my arse!  You mean toxic worthless securitized mortgages that no one would touch with a 40-foot pole, don’t you? 

TDIA: Let’s not quibble over semantics.  Anyway, IGA will purchase legacy assets from Jai Alai to render jai-Alai once again an exemplar of solvent investing and a pillar of the financial industry.

The Concerned Reader: With what will IGA be buying these worthless “legacy” assets?

TDIA: With loans from the government and the FDIC.

The Concerned Reader: And then…?

TDIA: It they turn out to be worth something GIA can sell them and pay the government back and if they turn out to be worthless then GIA never pays back the loan.

The Concerned Reader:  Are you making this crap up?

TDIA: Sadly not.  This is what the grown ups are saying.

The Concerned Reader:  You just made my May Day.  [Sings]

Arise ye starvelings from your slumbers

Arise ye criminals of want

For reason in revolt now thunders

and at last ends the age of cant.

Now away with all your superstitions

Servile masses arise, arise!

We’ll change forthwith the old conditions

And spurn the dust to win the prize.

 

Then come comrades rally

And the last fight let us face

The Internationale

Unites the human race.