March 2009


aig2The Definitive Indefinite Article is proud to announce a special offer to its readers.  We have for sale three large silver letters: an “A” an “I” and a “G” that up to recently adorned this building.  These beautiful examples of 1990’s branding will provide a wonderful conversation piece in any home.  Bidding will open at 12 noon.

The Interested Reader: Can I pre-bid?

TDIA: You can not.

The Interested Reader: Too bad.   Mind you that reminds me of a story my father once told me.  There was a fellah on the Titanic, a steerage passenger by the name of Michael McGettigan.  Convinced that protestant shipbuilders in Belfast had cursed the Titanic, he leaned over the side ith a can of paint while the ship was sinking and painted over “TITANIC” and renamed it “VATICAN” in the hope that it would stop the flow of water. 

TDIA: That is a fascinating anecdote and I am sure our readership are grateful to you.  If you will excuse me I must now motivate our interns with the promise of spandex bikinis and have them ready for the bidding war for these wonderful letters.

 

The St. Patrick’s Day results are in!  We sent our 200 interns from the Leonard Cohen ticket Procurement Project out into the streets on St. Patrick’s Day.  Each had a thick wad to twenties (thanks to Jai-Alai 3Card Monty’s hand out from Bailout Bill and the Derivative Kid) and instructions to drink their heads off in honor of a Welshman who brought a Middle-Eastern Religion to Ireland and all the subsequent fun that caused.

 

Since midnight a second cadre of 200 hastily-recruited interns has been tabulating the results and there they are:

 

23%

Went home with another of the interns.

22%

Went home alone and decided to fry eggs, fell asleep, burnt the eggs and set off the smoke alarm.

18%

Went home with a random stranger encountered in a public house.

14.5%

Fell asleep on various modes of public transport and awoke in hitherto unvisited pasts of the metropolis.

12%

Went home with two random strangers encountered in a public house.

8%

Got hired by drunken green-spandex-bikini-wearing executives of America‘s Insolvent Giant and given enormous on-the-spot hiring bonuses.

2%

Put the money into savings bonds and spent the day at home tidying up

0.5%

Spent the night being ranted at by The Apostate Reader complaining about how hard it is to get excommunicated these days.

 

We here at the Definitive Indefinite Article have been very busy since 10 am this morning.  A cohort of 200 of interns, each with a dedicated computer has been tasked with getting me two tickets to Leonard Cohen at Radio City Music hall.  Mysteriously none of these interns, the best and the brightest mouse clickers in the land, could find a single ticket for sale at Ticket Monster’s official website.  

 

Fortunately one of the interns did find two seats for Leonard Cohan at Radius City Music Hell for the knockdown price of $1,151.26 each so I suppose that will have to do.   Curiously enough the keywords the intern had to type in were “spandex bikini.”  My intern also informs me that Ticket Monster tastefully played an unlicensed version of “Please Don’t Pass Me By” while the transaction was being processed.

 

Another of our interns offered this piece of allegedly consoling verse:

 

“I searched hard

On the whorled wide web

For entry to the house of song.

I will stand outside the golden door

And hum to myself

The expensive melodies

I will not hear.”

 

Needless to say, said intern was immediately sent packing.

 

TDIA: The DOW is down, The FTSE is down.  America’s Insolvent Giant is in trouble again and the Hedgeer Hemlien Index just passed 1430 and THAT is not good.  It is snowing outside and I think I just saw Rafaella Marconi ski down the street wearing nothing but a spandex bikini and a fur hat so I am taking the dog out for a walk!  You can keep this racket going.

 

The Curious Reader: Are you coming back?  [Door slams.  Silence.]

Ok so, I suppose I can go on with the letters of Col. Trevelyan Makeshift-Bastion.  [Puts kettle on.  Reads]

 

Day 68

Snowed in at Camp 5.  The chaps are getting very restless.  We tried to play a few games of billiards to keep our spirits up which was when I discovered that the damned silly Sherpa had brought me a nineteen and a half ounce cue instead of my twenty-one and a quarter.  Of course he had to be made an example of so we fed him to the dogs.  Can’t allow that sort of slovenliness.  It could easily jeopardize the entire mission.

Mulligan, the Irishman got a little obstreperous last night.  We found that he had been concealing a quarter bottle of whisky in his kitbag and had had a little too much to drink.  After conferring with Sergeant Burbage, we concluded that the best thing to do was to saw Mulligan’s hands off.  Cruel to be kind, the chap could use a little discipline, help make a man of him.  Tons of spirit of course but flighty and feckless which is, I suppose, not so much his fault as a man so much as an accident of origin.  Can’t be helped.