[A face suddenly appears at the kitchen window]

 

The Concerned Reader: Hello?  Anyone home?

 

Borja Donosti: [Startled] ¡La madre que te trajo!  Who are you and what do you want?

 

The Concerned Reader:  I was a little concerned that there was something wrong, what with all that’s going on and there so little being posted here.

 

Borja Donosti: I’m still working on getting The Definitive Indefinite Article released from New Gitmo as people have started calling it.  People are just very busy and it is hard to get a hearing.  Here, have a look at this.

 

The Concerned Reader:  But you already posted this!

 

Borja Donosti: Yes but the reality is a re-run too, just bigger.  I changed some of the numbers but I don’t have time to do any more.  If you want some current news, try this: “BREAKING NEWS- NO ONE IS PUSHING TO PRIVATIZE SOCIAL SECURITY THIS WEEK.  FEW SURPRISED”  “SPANDEX BIKINI FUTURES PLUMMET!”

 

*******

 

Busy graphs help rattle punters

Busy graphs help rattle punters

This morning the Dow Jones stood at 10,850, the NASDAQ at 2,082 the FTSE at 5,000, the DAX at 5,807 and the Hang Seng at 18,016, Standard & Poor’s 500(remember them from the sterling work they did giving credit ratings to the exploding mortgage salesmen?) at 1,166.  But most importantly the HHI is up 102.63 to 1,428.42.  This indicates a…

 

 

 

The Attentive Reader:  The what?  What are you talking about?  I’ve never heard of this HHI!  Is this more of your Jai Alai bollocks?

 

TDIA:  [Somewhat testily] It’s pronounced Double-H Ai.  It stands for the Hedgeer Hemlien Index, named after the Swiss mathematicians Rakish Hedgeer and Fawling Hemlien. 

 

The Attentive Reader: [Oozing sarcasm]  Ooooooooh!  Swiss mathematicians!  Then it MUST be good!  Tell more!  Do!

 

TDIA: I will ignore your childish ourburst.  Hedgeer and Hemlien’s Combined Derisory Field Theory ® provides the theoretical underpinnings, and the HHI is a AAAA-rated index exclusive to Jai Alai 3Card Monty. 

 

The Attentive Reader:  So it IS more of your Jai Alai bollocks? 

 

TDIA:  You should see the investment pouring into Jai Alai since they and Hedge Funds for Hegemony ® endorsed John McCain.  They are set to double their investment in Hunger Futures.  Anyway, rather than engage you in a public shouting match about the HHI in this virtual thoroughfare, Attentive Reader, I will read to you from the recent article in The Financial Times of London, OH.

 

The Attentive Reader:  Does that OH mean Ohio?

 

TDIA:  [Hastily] Did I say oh?  Anyway, I quote:

 

“The Hedgeer Hemlien Index, recently launched by newly-reorganized and reinvigorated Jai Alai, Three Card Monty, LLC has met with enthusiastic welcome from the financial sector.  One source close to the financial giant Credit Suisse, DDB, Drimnagh Citi Credit Union Co. described it as ‘the most momentous leap forward in financial analysis since the spreadsheet.’ 

 

“Analysts point out that the major feature of the crash of the 1930’s was the prevalence of hats for men and women and the below-the-knee skirts for women and J Edgar Hoover. 

 

“Earlier attempts to analyse these factors such as the ill-fated Milliners 300 or the Hatters’ Mercury Average failed to take into account the complex hemline swish matrices.  Only now, with the advent of quantum computing, can the complex calculations be performed fast enough to be useful. 

 

“Previous versions of the HHI were so complex and slow to calculate that they could only identify a recession or depression 6 to 12 months after it had actually happened, making them no better than Ivy League economists.”

 

The Attentive Reader:  [somewhat appeased] So how is this double-aitch ay supposed to work then?

 

TDIA:  When the key indicators are normalized for deviation and passed through the secret patented operator matrix they produce an actualized pro-rated regression curve benchmarked against baseline parameters…

 

The Attentive Reader:  Blah, blah, blah.  So….?  And…?

 

TDIA:  When it hits 1,500, we’re screwed.  It’s time to consider using tinned food as a weapon.

 

The Attentive Reader:  I have to go!  Here’s me boss!

 

TDIA:  Alt+Tab is the lifesaver of the office drone!

 

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