September 2008


 

In the interest of conservation and in the light of the way the same idiotic excrement keeps coming back in different bottles, I, Borja Donosti have decided to recycle this post that first appeared on March 25, 2008.  This gives you some indication of how long the so-called grown ups who are supposed to be in charge had to react to the impending meltdown.  However it seems they had to wait for the horse to bolt, burn down the barn, lay the farm waste, trample the Vicar, urinate in the chapel, defecate in the village well, and ravish the Vicar’s wife before they finally decided to close the barn door. 

 

You may also review other distressingly and depressingly recyclable posts at the links below:

https://box3.wordpress.com/2008/04/08/wall-street-re-regulated-ag-waterboarded-chalabis-pr-regrets/

 

https://box3.wordpress.com/2008/04/01/tough-reforms-at-jai-alai-threecard-monty/

 

https://box3.wordpress.com/2008/03/17/hot-investment-tip/

 

 

The avid and not so avid followers of The Indefinite Article will have noticed a brief hiatus in outpourings. The Principals of The Indefinite Article spent the weekend and deep into Tuesday in negotiations with the beleagured investment bank Jai, Alai, Threecard Monty. The Indefinite Article has now made a buyout offer of $1.25 per share. Obviously Jai alai was worth a lot more than that on Friday but what can one do? Even at this low price price The Indefinite Article is taking a risk so the Federal Reserve is underwriting the deal.


The Puzzled Reader: The WHAT is WHAT?


TIA: The Federal Reserve is underwriting the deal to the tune of $300 gizillion.


The Puzzled Reader: What does that really mean?


TIA: Well, you see Jai, Alai, Threecard Monty own a lot of illiquid assets, the value of which is difficult to ascertain


The Puzzled Reader: You mean they own worthless crap?


TIA: They own investments that may or not be worthless. We won’t know until we try to unload them but they paid $300 gizillion for them so the Federal Rserve will guarantee that $300 gizillion. If we sell them all and only get $17.50 then the Fed will make up the difference.


The Puzzled Reader: They will? With what?


TIA: Tax dollars.


The Puzzled Reader: Excuse me I have to go vomit.


TIA: Try not to get it on your shoes.

 

 

 

 

Borja Donosti, Esq: As senior partner of Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitxi, Spaider and acting Power of Attorney for The Definitive Indefinite Article during its continuing incarceration at the hands of the Department of Untold Conformity it falls to me to continue the content purveyance of this weblog in accordance with the terms of the agreement duly signed and notarized under my seal. 

 

[Reads] “The Power of Attorney (hereinafter POA) shall endeavor to produce content of an enlightening, topical and educational nature either through independent creation or through the linking to other content on the internet with any commentary necessary for elucidation.  Said content should include both the words “spandex” and “bikini” where possible out of deference to the Spandex bikini-based community who seem to form a substantial part of the readership.”

 

So, in the spirit of this agreement and in the context of the current preoccupation in the wider media with questions of sexism, I give you this brief civics quiz.  Can you fill in the missing letters in this quotation from Senator John McCain responding to his wife in 1992 when she teased him about his thinning hair?

 

“At least I don’t pla*ter on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt.”

 

You can find the answer and lots of other enlightening McCain info at the link below:

 

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20080929/wypijewski

 

 

 

The Astute Reader:  I hate to barge in like this but I have some serious news to share.

 

The Concerned Reader: Where have you been? 

 

The Astute Reader: That is a story of another day.  What I have found out is much more important.  No disrespect, but when you fell for “Web Appointed lawyer” you had no idea how dangerous he was.

 

The Concerned Reader: Well I had a feeling he was a little flaky.

 

The Astute Reader: You did.  But you had no idea that he worked for the law firm of Angry, Oldman, Godgabble, Machiavellian, Shrew & Rove .

 

The Concerned Reader: Not, ANGRY, OLDMAN, GODGABBLE, MACHIAVELLIAN, SHREW & ROVE ?!?!

 

The Astute Reader: None other.

 

The Concerned Reader: That is horrifying.  What are we to do?

 

The Astute Reader: I have already contacted Borja Donosti of Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitxi, Spaider and has filed a webentiti domicilium action with the Department of Untold Conformity to secure the release of The Definitive Indefinite Article.

 

The Concerned Reader: Thank goodness for that and may providence protect us from ANGRY, OLDMAN, GODGABBLE, MACHIAVELLIAN, SHREW & ROVE .

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: The following in no way manner or means constitutes any admission or acknowledgment that I may have been stung by the criticisms implicit or overt leveled at me by The Concerned Reader.  I am simply providing an update on the status of the recently detained Definitive Indefinite Article. 

 

The Concerned Reader: Non-apology accepted.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: How did you get in here?  You scared the crap out of me.

 

The Concerned Reader: He keeps a spare key in the shed.  What are you doing here?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: I have news!  TDIA is not being held by the Georgian government.

 

The Concerned Reader: So where is he?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Oh, he’s still on Jekyll Island but Jekyll Island no longer belongs to the Georgians.

 

The Concerned Reader: They gave it back?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Not in so many words.  They securitized it.

 

The Concerned Reader: They WHAT???.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: They bundled it together with a whole bunch of other stuff they had received over the years – you know, stuff from state visits, things won in card games at European Summits: shamrock-infested rocks, shaman outfits, the island of Crete, elephant testicles – and had some bank value it, securitize it and sell  it.

 

The Concerned Reader: Sell it to whom??

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: This is where it gets complicated.  First it was bought by the breakaway People’s Republic of Treblikistan.

 

The Concerned Reader: I’ve never heard of it.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: It was short-lived thing.  Do you want to hear the story or not? [Silence]  Treblikistan had its assets, among them securitized Jekyll Island, seized by the Danish government in lieu of herring payments.  They then sold them to the Brazilian Central Bank who bundled Treblikistan’s securitized unwanted presents with a whole bunch of other countries’ souvenirs and sold it all on to a conglomerate of hedge funds who buried it in a ditch, released a whole family of derivatives and bonds based on it and promptly went bankrupt.

 

The Concerned Reader: And then?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel:  They were temporarily acquired by the mega-investment bank TooBigToFail, Raptor, Golden Parachute and Troll who then themselves went bankrupt but were bailed out by the Federal Reserve.

 

The Concerned Reader: So Jekyll Island belongs to the state of Georgia again?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: I’ll have to get back to you on that one.  At the moment it looks like it belongs to the Treasury Department. 

 

The Concerned Reader: Does that mean the “enhanced interrogation techniques” are off the table?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: I have to go.  I’m double-parked.

 

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel:: Through the herewith communication it falls to me to inform you that The Definitive Indefinite Article is currently in custody at the “First Amendment Memorial Re-Education Center” on Jekyll Island off the coast of Georgia.  TDIA is being held incommunicado under the Prevention of Dissent clause of the Homespun Complacency Act and possibly being interrogated in an enhanced kind of way.

 

The Concerned Reader: What do you mean “in an enhanced kind of way?”  Are we talking torture here?  Torture is not allowed in the US.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Ah well, here’s the thing.  Jekyll Island, off the coast of Georgia isn’t actually US territory anymore.

 

The Concerned Reader: You what?  Are you drunk?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Yes, but that is not the point.  The point is that it appears TDIA has been “extraordinarily rendered” there to the Georgian government.

 

The Concerned Reader: I don’t get it.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: The COUNTRY Georgia, not the state.  It was kind of embarrassing so no one brought it up before but at the last G8 Summit there was some loose talk, some backslapping, a few tequila sunrises too many and an administrative mixup and suddenly someone at the State Department realized they had given  Jekyll Island to the country of Georgia.  So, in return for certain favors recently dispatched, the Georgian Government agreed to use some “enhanced” techniques to get to the bottom of the allegations against TDIA.

 

The Concerned Reader: That is disturbing.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: You’re disturbed?  Try explaining it to the people of Jekyll Island when they get their tax bills in Iari from Tiblisi.  Do YOU know how many Iari there are to the dollar?

 

The Concerned Reader: That’s not what I meant.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Oh right, you mean the whole habeas corpus, “enhanced interrogation techniques” thing.

 

The Concerned Reader: Precisely.

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Tricky thing that.  Blogs may or may not have a corpus to get habeased in the first place.  Particularly blogs with a history of gratuitous use of the tags “spandex” and “bikini.”

 

The Concerned Reader: Are you sure you’re a real lawyer?

 

Web Appointed Legal Counsel: Oh-oh!  Here’s me bus.  Gotta go!  Ciao baclao!

 

The Concerned Reader: Ciao bacalao?

It’s really great to be back.  After the Olympics and some last minute smoking consulting for the US Tennis Open, I am finally back and can sit here, catch up on news, email, blogs and…

 

[Loud banging on door, screen left.  Sound of wood splintering.  Multiple booted footsteps are heard]

 

The Forces of Law and Order: DOWN ON THE FLOOR NOW.  HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: What is…

 

The Forces of Law and Order: I SAID SHUT UP AND DOWN ON THE FLOOR

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: You didn’t actually say “shut up.”

 

The Forces of Law and Order: I MEANT TO.  NOW SHUT UP!  DOWN ON THE FLOOR!  HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!

 

[Awkward pause.]

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Conciliatory] Do you need me to ask you what you are doing here.

 

The Forces of Law and Order: OH YEAH!  THAT WOULD BE A HELP! 

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: What are you doing here?

 

The Forces of Law and Order: [Rifles through pockets.  Reads from laminated card.]  YOU ARE HEREBY DETAINED UNDER THE OSTRICHES OF THE DEPARTMENT OF UNTOLD CONFORMITY FOR POSSESSION OF AN ENGINE OF MEDIA WITH INTENT TO SAY UNFLATTERING THINGS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN, THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION OR THE CITY OF ST PAUL.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: I bet that doesn’t say “ostriches.”

 

The Forces of Law and Order: YOU’RE RIGHT.  IT SAYS “AUSPICES.”

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: Does that mean you can’t detain me now?

 

The Forces of Law and Order: [Pause.  Sound of expansive brow furrowing.  Pause.]  NO.  OSTRICHES, AUSPICES IT’S ALL THE SAME.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: This is crazy.  This blog is about smoking and bishops moonlighting the Olympics and spandex and particle accelerators and celebrity fascists and electric books and energy policy and designer pharmaceuticals and the Hedgeer Hemlien Index and …

 

The Forces of Law and Order: YOU HAVE ALSO SAID SOME THINGS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN.  HERE.  HERE.  AND HERE.  COME WITH ME TO THE FIRST AMENDMENT RE-EDUCATION CENTER.

 

[Sound of plastic handcuffs.  Scuffling fades off to screen left.]