August 2008


The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: So anyway, there I was at the weekend watching Olympic equestrian beach shot putt waiting for Obama to text me his VP choice when who do I notice in the stands behind the Bolivian team coach…

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: …Out of my way!  I have important news to tell everyone.  Joe…

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: …Biden is Obama’s running mate for November.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: How did you know that?

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: I was just about to tell you all before you so rudely interrupted me.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: So how did you know that?

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: He texted me.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Incredulously] You?

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer:  Yes.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: Ha!

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer:  Well, not just me.  There were about thirty zillion others too.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Suspiciously] And how much did this cost?

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Free.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: Oh.  [Pause.] Well that explains it.

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Explains what?

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: Why I only found out now.

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: [With relish.] Please.  Go on.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: I signed up for the premium service.

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer:  Right.  And?

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: It’s a little slower.  [Pause] But much more elegant.

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: And it cost you?

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: It would be vulgar to tell you.

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: [Archly] We are suddenly concerned about vulgarity here?

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: There is need for that tone.  By the way, is that skinny waif in the corner my cat?

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Uhm, no, no.  That’s uhm a stray I adopted.  Yours is sleeping.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: I see. So I found out later but the news was delivered to me by a page in an ermine flight suit accompanied by four former Miss Worlds in transparent spandex bikinis on a sleigh. 

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: I take it the bikinis were on the Miss Worlds and not on the sleigh.  That seems like a good use of your budget.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: When your secret smoking training regimen has already netted 47 gold medals, you don’t have a budget.  Excuse me.  The Miss Worlds are arguing about which of my Lamborghinis we should take out for the picnic.

 

[Exit screen left]

 

The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: [Despondently.] I thought I was going to win that one.  I really did.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Barely audible above the revving of sports car and blandishments of beauty queens.] Don’t forget to feed the cat!

 

 

 

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The Definitive Indefinite Article: Finally!  I have never seen such a hungry cat!  Just wanted to take a couple of moments between some last minute training on techniques of lighting unfiltered cigarettes in a high wind while wearing a transparent spandex bikini and watching some of our training school graduates in the medal running in the beach cycling and …

 

[Sound of key turning in lock screen left]

 

The Cat-Neglecting Reader: Anyone home?  [Pause.  Silence.]  Oh good.  I have a great recipe to put on the Indefinite Article.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: Come to regurgitate some vapid comments, random links and other people’s opinions on my blog, have you?

 

The Cat-Neglecting Reader: You frightened the living crap out of me!  What are you doing in here?

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: This is my blog.  I gave you the keys to feed the cat, not to antagonize the readership.

 

The Cat-Neglecting Reader: I, uhm, er, uhm.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: Never mind.  Look I have to go.  I’m needed at the archery drome.  Lock the door when you leave.

 

The Cat-Neglecting Reader: Are your people winning any medals?

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article: We are not at liberty to divulge.

 

 

The Ever-more Familiar Reader:  Hello?  Anyone home?  [Pause]…  [Silence]…[Pause]  No one home.  [Sits at keyboard.  Addresses self to screen]   Seeing as himself is away teaching athletes how to smoke and he left me the keys to feed the cat I thought we might all have a little chat.  I know, I know I was only supposed to feed the cat but I’m sure he won’t mind us dialoguing here awhile in gentle colloquy.  I like that: “gentle colloquy.” 

 

[Silence.  Pause.] 

 

It’s harder than it looks you know.  Now that I’m here I don’t really have that must to say.  Uhm, anyone remember Margaret Thatcher?  These are fun:

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/cartoon/2008/jul/28/margaretthatcher

 

[Silence.]

So anyway, here’s a weird way to look for books on the web:

http://zoomii.com/#home

 

[Silence.  Pause.]

 

If your mouse doesn’t roll I don’t know what you are supposed to do.  Maybe you can squint really hard.

 

[Pause.  Desperately.]  

 

So…. I heard a rumor from a woman in Montana who makes bumper stickers that John McCain is going to have Bush change the constitution so he can select Arnold Schwarzenegger as his Vice Presidential candidate. 

 

[Awkward silence]

 

OK!  Must run.  Here’s me bus!

 

[Door slams.  Mewling of hungry cat heard in the background]