I was reading the paper over a man’s shoulder on the train this morning.  There seem to be crises everywhere: energy prices soar; job insecurity is rife; the global economy staggers under the weight of imploding mortgages; Hedgeer Hemlien Index is hovering around 1,400, visionaries start wars that no one can stop for the benefit of profiteers; the planet may be about to shrug our species off like so many lice and still the titans of capital can find every more inventive ways to turn a profit.  What is the man-in-the-street to do?  Don’t despair.  There is a bright side.

 

The Attentive Reader:  There is now is there?  Well, as a soi-disant man-in-the-street, I could do with a laugh.

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article:  Ah, good morning!  “Soi-disant,” how are ye!  Anyway, as I was saying, all of these things did not happen just ‘cos.  They happened for a reason and that reason is mostly because someone saw a profit opportunity.  There are now more billionaires and millionaires that at any point in history.  And they are worth more than ever too. 

 

The Attentive Reader:  And do you have a problem with that?

 

TDIA:  We make no judgments here at The Definitive Indefinite Article.  We limit ourselves to derisive analysis and inductive speculation.  To point: not only are the super wealthy a check on politicians’ tendencies to act on behalf of the uninformed voter and a stabilizing influence on trickle-up global wealth distribution system; they also make excellent fuel. 

 

The Attentive Reader:  Wait!  You’ve lost me!

 

TDIA:  Don’t be alarmed.  New ideas always seem distressing and radical at first.  Remember when they deregulated “the banking industry?”  We all got used to it.  Anyway, to continue, the colossally wealthy, their accrued possessions, chattels and properties and their cash wealth in small denominations constitute a staggering reservoir of fossil, potential and chemical energy.  Although some hedge fund managers and private equity warriors saw their incomes slump into the low billions in 2007, they are still an excellent and plentiful fuel source.

 

The Attentive Reader:  I am appalled and intrigued in equal part.  Please explain.

 

TDIA:  It is simple physics.  Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another.  So just imagine how much excess energy is bottled up in your average billionaire.  Think of all the sunshine absorbed in Vale or St. Moritz.  Think of the gentle marinating process: $12,000 bottles of wine to wash down steak fed on honeyed apricots and beluga caviar.  Think of the massive excess energy expended flying from one home to another in private aircraft.  Think of how energy intense fresh dolphin steaks flown straight from the boat to the compound in Dubai must be.  Think of all that “superfluous” energy sitting in one handy container.  There you have it – THE STAGGERINGLY WEALTHY; SUPERFUEL OF THE FUTURE.

 

The Attentive Reader:  It is hard to argue with physics.

 

TDIA:  It is and it is hard to resist this new tide in energy production.  The Definitive Indefinite Article’s Institute for Applied Plutocracy, in collaboration with The Institute for Combustible Wealth is delighted to announce that we have finally discovered how to tap into this vast and conspicuous reservoir of energy: The Croesus Crucible ®. 

 

The Attentive Reader: Nice name.  You must have had teams of scholars working on that one.

 

TDIA:  There is no need to be snide and anyway they needed the work.  I’ll go on:  This anabaric refracting reactor, beautifully upholstered in hand-tooled Italian leather and finished with a resin made from ocelot teeth and polar bear tails, will convert the comfortably-seated colossally wealthy and their possessions to pure clean energy with a conversion factor of 99.9%.  The 0.1% of billionaire left over will be completely unharmed, just worth a little over the median household income of $46,000.  It is clean, compact and efficient.  It is also environmentally friendly: every billionaire converted removes one private jet from the airways.  Simply insert your billionaire along with broken up speedboats, abstract expressionist masterpieces, multiple summer homes, classic automobiles and press “Convert.”  One highly compensated corporate ninja could power a small town for 3 to 5 years. 

 

The Attentive Reader:  This is certainly a pick-me-up for a weighed-down soul.

 

TDIA:  But Wait!  There’s more!  The strange thing is that we are having difficulty finding a corporation willing to market or distribute this fantastic new product so your only “point of sale” is to order via the comments below.  Free set of steak knives with the first 100 orders!

 

The Attentive Reader:  I’ll have to check with the missus.  I’ll let you know.

 

TDIA:  Fair enough.  By the way, did you have a chance to try the electric book I lent you?

 

The Attentive Reader:  I did not.  We had a wasps’ nest in the shed.  I’ll get around to it.  Oh-oh!  Here’s me boss!  [Alt+Tab.  Exit screen right.]

 

TDIA:  See ya!  And don’t forget: free steak knives!

 

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