May 2008


For the next 2 weeks or so The Definitive Indefinite Article will be on secret maneuvers in the North Atlantic.  The nature of these maneuvers and their concomitant secrecy will mean limited new material will be making its way here.

 

In the meantime we enjoin bereft devotees to:

 

  • Slowly read the newly arrived chapters of Tearing Down Werburgh Street by clicking here.  THERE WILL BE QUESTIONS AFTERWARDS!

 

  •  Enjoy this test broadcast while humming in an annoyingly high pitch.

 

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Agents of The Definitive Indefinite Article have finally secured release of Chapter 1 from the Office of the Inquisitor for Public Decency at the Censor’s Presidium of the Department of Inland Integrity.  For the near-terminally lazy you can just click here.

 

The Cantankerous Reader:  This had better be worth the damn wait!

 

TDIA:  We applaud your patience and perseverence and wish you happy reading.

 

The Cantankerous Reader: [Viciously folding the Irish Independent and stuffing it in his raincoat pocket] We’ll see about that.

The Definitive Indefinite Article accepts no responsibility for the quality but will vouch for it being free.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/05/the_return_of_robert_smiths_fa.html

Opening for bright persons looking to make the first step into the blogospheric marketing/politics/media nexus.  We are looking for two summer interns to work in our Department of Marketshare Enhancement.  The successful candidates will have proven html abilities, fantastic stamina and a head for numbers.  They will form the action team on our demand-side interactivity creative ….

 

The Long-suffering Reader:  What kind of crap are you up to this time?

 

TDIA:  We are looking for interns for our demand-side interactivity creative…

 

The Long-suffering Reader:  I heard that already.  It sounds like “interspace communications specialist” for someone who holds the door open at the supermarket.  What do you want these poor unfortunates to do?

 

TDIA: [Sheepishly] Spend the day clocking on all the links in our blog to  get the numbers up so that we can sell banner ads to Monsatano and Exxoil.  We already have the copy prepared: “When you’re freezing and starving to death, you’ll have to come to us.  We own it all now; the fruit, the seeds, the oil, the ehtanol!  We are it!”  Later it can just become “We are it!”  What do you think? 

 

The Long-suffering Reader:  [Sadly]This is what is has come to?

 

TDIA:  A blog has to make a living.  It looks like the Bishop of Santander is not going to give us a cut even if we give him a contributor’s credit and put him on the board of The Definitive Indefinite Article Institute for Advancement.  We have to keep going somehow.

 

The Long-suffering Reader:  Might I suggest some of you get real jobs.

 

TDIA:  Like yours?  If you hear of any jobs like yours reading blogs all day, let me know.  I could do that.

 

The Long-suffering Reader:  [Awkward hurt silence]  [Pause]  Ctrl+w

 

TDIA:  Oops.  There goes 50% of our core demographic.

 

 

The following is a paid announcement.  The Definitive Indefinite Article takes no responsibility for the veracity of the following.  All opinions expressed are those of Jai Alai 3Card Monty, LLC.

 

“One man’s “Crisis” is another man’s opportunity.  Make it yours!”

Jai Alai 3Card Monty is excited to launch its new patented investment fund: The 18/46 CAKE Fund ®.  This unique fund is comprised of our patented sophisticated hunger-backed financial derivatives and is linked not just to world-wide hunger indices and food prices but also to the profits and stock prices of industry giants like Monsanto, Cargill and ADM (the alleged price-fixing entity formerly known as Archer Daniels Midland for anyone with a memory and a need to search for things on the interweb) 

 

Research has shown that the profits of these giants appear to be linked to hunger.  Their profits are unprecedented and stock prices soaring in a poor market and we have a “food crisis.”  Join the dots and they draw a clear line straight to the New New Economy.  Orders for the 18/46 CAKE Fund ® prospectus may be placed in the comments section below.  We expect this offering to be over-subscribed within the next 24 hours.

 

Busy graphs help rattle puntersThis morning the Dow Jones stood at 13,108, the NASDAQ at 2,491 the FTSE at 6,200, the Hang Seng at 24,241 and Standard & Poor’s 500(remember them from the sterling work they did giving credit ratings to the exploding mortgage salesmen?) at 1,420.  But most importantly the HHI is down 102.63 to 1138.42.  This indicates a…

 

The Attentive Reader:  The what?  What are you talking about?  I’ve never heard of this HHI!  Is this more of your Jai Alai bollocks?

 

TDIA:  [Somewhat testily] It’s pronounced Double-H Ai.  It stands for the Hedgeer Hemlien Index, named after the Swiss mathematicians Rakish Hedgeer and Fawling Hemlien.  

 

The Attentive Reader: [Oozing sarcasm]  Ooooooooh!  Swiss mathematicians!  Then it MUST be good!  Tell more!  Do!

 

TDIA: I will ignore your childish ourburst.  Hedgeer and Hemlien’s Combined Derisory Field Theory ® provides the theoretical underpinnings, and the HHI is a AAAA-rated index exclusive to Jai Alai 3Card Monty. 

 

The Attentive Reader:  So it IS more of your Jai Alai bollocks? 

 

TDIA:  You should see the investment pouring into Jai alai since they and Hedge Funds for Hegemony ® endorsed John McCain.  They are set to double their investment in Hunger Futures.  Anyway, rather than engage you in a public shouting match about the HHI in this virtual thoroughfare, Attentive Reader, I will read to you from the recent article in The Financial Times of London, OH.

 

The Attentive Reader:  Does that OH mean Ohio?

 

TDIA:  [Hastily] Did I say oh?  Anyway, I quote:

 

“The Hedgeer Hemlien Index, recently launched by newly-reorganized and reinvigorated Jai Alai, Three Card Monty, LLC has met with enthusiastic welcome from the financial sector.  One source close to the financial giant Credit Suisse, DDB, Drimnagh Citi Credit Union Co. described it as ‘the most momentous leap forward in financial analysis since the spreadsheet.’  Another, less reliable source, described it as ‘same shite different bottle.’

 

“Analysts point out that the major feature of the crash of the 1930’s was the prevalence of hats for men and women and the below-the-knee skirts for women and J Edgar Hoover. 

 

“Earlier attempts to analyse these factors such as the ill-fated Milliners 300 or the Hatters’ Mercury Average failed to take into account the complex hemline swish matrices.  Only now, with the advent of quantum computing, can the complex calculations be performed fast enough to be useful. 

 

“Previous versions of the HHI were so complex and slow to calculate that they could only identify a recession or depression 6 to 12 months after it had actually happened, making them no better than Ivy League economists.”

 

The Attentive Reader:  [somewhat appeased] So how is this double-aitch ay supposed to work then?

 

TDIA:  When the key indicators are normalized for deviation and passed through the secret patented operator matrix they produce an actualized pro-rated regression curve benchmarked against baseline parameters…

 

The Attentive Reader:  Blah, blah, blah.  So….?  And…?

 

TDIA:  When it hits 1,500, we’re screwed.  It’ll be time to consider using tinned food as a weapon.

 

The Attentive Reader:  I have to go!  Here’s me boss!

 

TDIA:  Alt+Tab is the lifesaver of the office drone!

 

 

5 years + 4 years = Success