Small Investors thank Hedge Fund Runners 

Hillary Clinton and John McCain are the toast of the Hedge Fund speculation-based community this morning.  At a champagne and toasted egret breakfast reception in the newly-refurbished Jai Alai 3 Card Monty offices…


The Attentive Reader:  Wait a minute.  Didn’t you absorb Jai Alai and become TIAJA 3Card Monty?


TDIA:  We did but growth lately, thanks to Senators Clinton and McCain, has been so phenomenal that we have been able to disarticulate the merger and Jai alai 3Card Monty is now back in business as an independent subsidiary of TDIA.


The Attentive Reader:  But they were on life support.


TDIA:  That is true.  OK.  Watch carefully   This is tricky.  This is not television, so pay attention.  TDIA bought Jai Alai 3Card Monty for half nothing.  Got the Federal Reserve to guarantee all the worthless assets that it owned.  Then we used the Fed money to buy our own stock, drove the price up and the sold the shares back to the original Jai Alai 3Card Monty at an enormous profit.


The Attentive Reader:  Why is this making my stomach hurt?


TDIA:  Then Jai Alai 3Card Monty, took everything it learned from the Imploding Mortgages crisis along with tons of cash and started speculating wildly on oil, rice and corn futures along with buying vast tracts of South America to dig up and plant with corn for cars.  That’s the real genius: it lessens the supply of food while providing raw material that needs energy-intensive processes that use lots of oil to make an oil substitute to keep cars on the road.  It’s the closest thing to perpetual motion we’ve ever managed.


The Attentive Reader:  So they are driving up the price of oil, rice and corn.


TDIA:  O yeah!!  And now, thanks to Senators Clinton and McCain’s proposal to abolish gasoline tax for the summer, pundits believe consumption will actually grow and the futures we have positions on have already doubled.


The Attentive Reader:  [Dejectedly] Is there any redeeming aspect to this whole revolting orgy of greed and speculation?


TDIA:  Of course.  Many people have been worrying that there is a food crisis going on that goes beyond the usual “poor people” or that oil is drying up.  These are worrying and threatening thoughts and make people feel that things are out of control.  Nothing could be further from the truth: the “man in the street” can rest assured that he is being royally screwed by the same people as usual.  The parasitic Subsidized Speculation Community is making out like bandits on this one.  You tax dollars at work!


The Attentive Reader:  [Shaking fist at screen] Those damn Senators!  A plague on both their houses.


TDIA:  I think you’ll find that both of them have multiple dwellings.


The Attentive Reader:  [Finally defeated] All the better for them to “be among the people,” I suppose, seeing as they are such ordinary folk.  If you’ll excuse me, I must step outside to vomit.


TDIA:  But wait!  I didn’t get to tell you about drilling for oil in the Arctic!


[Sound of puking offscreen left]


TDIA:  OK.  Let me know if you need any more investment advice!