The Definitive Indefinite Article Institute for Market Jockeying and Perception Choreography has just gone green.  We have spearheaded a new benchmark for biofuel standards.  Many of you in the carbon community are familiar with mpg (miles per gallon) and some of you may be acquainted with l/100km (liters it takes to go 100 kilometers).  These are literally and metaphorically fossil fuel measurements.  They will not help us measure biofuels in any meaningful way. 

 

When you fill the enormous tank of your urban warrior vehicle that is probably named after a national park or a near extinct mammal with biofuel like ethanol, will mpg or l/100km really help you grasp the great progress this entails?  We think not.  Instead we are introducing the Malthusian Accelerated Dynamic Nourishment Equivalence Substitution Standard or …

 

The Impatient Reader:  …Yeah, yeah, yeah I can see where the acronym is going.  So what is it?

 

TDIA:  The M.A.D.N.E.S.S. is the amount of corn that would feed one person for one entire year. 

 

The Impatient Reader:  And what is that in real terms?

 

TDIA:  One 25-gallon tank of ethanol.  So you can measure your automobile by the number of people it could have fed in a year.  Exciting, eh?  “DRIVE THE NEW THORAX, UP TO 250 M.A.D.N.E.S.S.”

 

The Impatient Reader:  I have to go.  Cops just pulled me over for drinking coffee and texting through a red light.

 

TDIA:  It is a cruel world.  In gentler times you would have excused your self by saying: “I have to go.  Here’s me bus.”

 

[Groan of recognition from the makeshift bar at the back of the hall.]

 

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