April 2008


Small Investors thank Hedge Fund Runners 

Hillary Clinton and John McCain are the toast of the Hedge Fund speculation-based community this morning.  At a champagne and toasted egret breakfast reception in the newly-refurbished Jai Alai 3 Card Monty offices…

 

The Attentive Reader:  Wait a minute.  Didn’t you absorb Jai Alai and become TIAJA 3Card Monty?

 

TDIA:  We did but growth lately, thanks to Senators Clinton and McCain, has been so phenomenal that we have been able to disarticulate the merger and Jai alai 3Card Monty is now back in business as an independent subsidiary of TDIA.

 

The Attentive Reader:  But they were on life support.

 

TDIA:  That is true.  OK.  Watch carefully   This is tricky.  This is not television, so pay attention.  TDIA bought Jai Alai 3Card Monty for half nothing.  Got the Federal Reserve to guarantee all the worthless assets that it owned.  Then we used the Fed money to buy our own stock, drove the price up and the sold the shares back to the original Jai Alai 3Card Monty at an enormous profit.

 

The Attentive Reader:  Why is this making my stomach hurt?

 

TDIA:  Then Jai Alai 3Card Monty, took everything it learned from the Imploding Mortgages crisis along with tons of cash and started speculating wildly on oil, rice and corn futures along with buying vast tracts of South America to dig up and plant with corn for cars.  That’s the real genius: it lessens the supply of food while providing raw material that needs energy-intensive processes that use lots of oil to make an oil substitute to keep cars on the road.  It’s the closest thing to perpetual motion we’ve ever managed.

 

The Attentive Reader:  So they are driving up the price of oil, rice and corn.

 

TDIA:  O yeah!!  And now, thanks to Senators Clinton and McCain’s proposal to abolish gasoline tax for the summer, pundits believe consumption will actually grow and the futures we have positions on have already doubled.

 

The Attentive Reader:  [Dejectedly] Is there any redeeming aspect to this whole revolting orgy of greed and speculation?

 

TDIA:  Of course.  Many people have been worrying that there is a food crisis going on that goes beyond the usual “poor people” or that oil is drying up.  These are worrying and threatening thoughts and make people feel that things are out of control.  Nothing could be further from the truth: the “man in the street” can rest assured that he is being royally screwed by the same people as usual.  The parasitic Subsidized Speculation Community is making out like bandits on this one.  You tax dollars at work!

 

The Attentive Reader:  [Shaking fist at screen] Those damn Senators!  A plague on both their houses.

 

TDIA:  I think you’ll find that both of them have multiple dwellings.

 

The Attentive Reader:  [Finally defeated] All the better for them to “be among the people,” I suppose, seeing as they are such ordinary folk.  If you’ll excuse me, I must step outside to vomit.

 

TDIA:  But wait!  I didn’t get to tell you about drilling for oil in the Arctic!

 

[Sound of puking offscreen left]

 

TDIA:  OK.  Let me know if you need any more investment advice!

 

 

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Remember you saw it here first!

…We interrupt the saga of Bishops, Cardinals and their insurance-related mendacity to bring you this news flash…

 

We have received news from a colleague at The Indefinite Particle particle accelerator that the US Republican vice presidential candidate could be Condoleezza Rice.

 

The current working hypothesis is that the verbiage, innuendo and prevarication from a stray television filtered into the accelerator’s core where it created a temporary Rovian Klösterfuch Field.  Once the right amount of idle speculation and empty analysis entered the field, the basic elements of unprecedented candidacy were transmogrified into a combinatory binary candidacy flux. 

 

The Patient Reader:  Wait!  Wait!  I was with you up to there.  Now you’ve lost me.

 

TDIA:  In lay man’s terms: why fret about whether to you are better positioned to run against the African-American man or the woman?  Get yourself an African-American woman on the ticket. 

 

The Patient Reader:  Seems plausible.  Has this been confirmed in any way?

 

TDIA:  We were unable to reach anyone for comment at the Rovian Klösterfuch Institute for Advanced Hegemony though we did speak to an anonymous State Department employee who said he knew nothing of Ms. Rice’s plans for the future but had heard of John McCain.

 

The Patient Reader:  This is most informative.  I must leave you now to visit my turf accountant.

 

TDIA:  Your what?

 

The Patient Reader:  My bookie.

 

TDIA:  Ah!  Good luck with that.

 

There comes a time in the life of every blog when the veneer of glibness must be drawn aside to allow some salutory change of tone. To wit we give over this post to El Ilustrisimo Cardenal Mendoza direct from the Archdiocese of Jerez.

Cardinal Mendoza: I thank The Definitive Inefinte Article for ceding unto me this space. Under instuctions from the Collage of Cardinals, a somewhat less formal arrangement than the more rigorous College of Cardinals, I come to bring to an end the fractious and frankly undignified fracas that has been taking place in these pages recently.

The Bishops of Burgos, Santander and Avila have lately appeared in the comments section of this vehicle purporting to be purveyors discount-rate insurance products for home, life and automobile. This is a sorry misrepesentation of their roles. They are in no position to offer any of these products; neither under the aegis of the church nor any other stray aegis.  They will all be broken to deacons by the week’s end.

Only Cardenal Mendoza can offer truly comprehensive discounted home, life and automobile insurance as approved by the Treaty of Nantes, The Council of Trent,  and the Association of Ecclesiastical Pueveyance.  Get a free quote now:

http://www.cardinalmendoza.it/

Sic transit vita, vehiculum et casa non insuritantibus.

 

Caution!  Bishop at Work!

 

The pages of The Definitive Indefinite Article have become a battleground lately.  Maverick Spanish bishops have been using the comments section of our last post to vie with one another to sell car insurance.  We urge you to review this bitter exchange of comments by clicking here and give us your advice.  Opinions of ex-altarboys will be given additional weighted consideration as we attempt to choose which of these vendors to officially endorse in our pages.  We hope to resolve this inter-diocesan discord as soon as possible.

 

 

Vile rumors have begun to circulate associating The Definitive Indefinite Article with alleged lamentable employee treatment perpetrated allegedly by some transport companies, among them allegedly FedEx.

 

Our legal team at Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitxi, Spaider LLC have prepared the following statement which you can read out loud along with using our new WIntertext ® technology.  Ready?  Got a voice in your head?  OK, look at the picture, move the cursor over each word and read aloud…

 Neo Conservative Industrial Landscape

The Definitive Indefinite Article is a limited ability company duly established pursuant to Section 58 of the Companies Act of 1978. 

 

Allegation The First

The Definitive Indefinite Article illegally classifies its employees as independent contractors to avoid paying taxes on them or making any kind of social security payments.

 

Refutation The First

The Definitive Indefinite Article (hereinafter TDIA) has no employees, no independent contractors and no real existence outside the minds of its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries whose existence has only been implied.

 

The Outraged Reader:  That is some comfort, I must concede.

 

Allegation The Second

TDIA forces its independent contractors to purchase their own trucks.

 

Refutation The Second

See Refutation The First.  Further, TDIA is a 100% carbon neutral enterprise and possesses or contracts or causes to be possessed or contracted no motor vehicles or internal combustion engines of any kind.

 

The Outraged Reader:  That is reassuring, I think.

 

Allegation The Third

TDIA repelled a union organizing drive by maintaining that its 15,000 drivers had no right to unionize because they are independent contractors

 

Refutation The Third

See Refutation The First and Refutation The Second.  Further TDIA, having no employees, contractors or vehicles cannot be said to have any drivers.  However, it has actively distributed union cards to its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries.  notwithstanding that their existence has only been imputed.

 

Allegation The Fourth

TDIA has engaged in employment practices that an only be likened to Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire style indentured servitude

 

Refutation The Fourth

See all refutations above.  Further TDIA is a shrewd operator, aware of its own strengths and limitations and is unlikely to venture into such a highly competitive field as Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire business practices.  That is best left to ventures with shareholders.

 

The Outraged Reader:  I am convinced.  And I am proud to be associated with this noble enterprise and will in the future consider carrying things home from the local area of commerce instead of having them trucked vast distances through the internet.  I will make it my mission to tell my friends, cronies, fellow-travelers, family and neighbors to do the same.

 

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article Institute for Advanced Investigation has given us a world exclusive preview of its WIntertext ® “a new a revolutionary means to experience the written word.”

 

Evan Waters of the Institute describes WIntertext ® as “the interface between text, technology and the limits of the human imagination.  There are myriad permutations and infinite inflections to the experience.  There is simply no limit to what you can do with this technology.”

 

Simply look at the picture, pass the cursor over the words below and read out loud in any voice you like.

 Better fun thatn Wii

Now is the winter of our discontent

Made glorious summer by this sun of York;

And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house

In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;

Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;

Our stern alarums chang’d to merry meetings,

Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.

Grim-visag’d war hath smooth’d his wrinkled front,

And now, instead of mounting barbed steeds

To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,

He capers nimbly in a lady’s chamber

To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.

 

Now try it in Henry Kissinger’s voice or Bono’s or  Robert Mugabe’s.  The fun is endless!

 

The Definitive Indefinite Article Institute for Market Jockeying and Perception Choreography has just gone green.  We have spearheaded a new benchmark for biofuel standards.  Many of you in the carbon community are familiar with mpg (miles per gallon) and some of you may be acquainted with l/100km (liters it takes to go 100 kilometers).  These are literally and metaphorically fossil fuel measurements.  They will not help us measure biofuels in any meaningful way. 

 

When you fill the enormous tank of your urban warrior vehicle that is probably named after a national park or a near extinct mammal with biofuel like ethanol, will mpg or l/100km really help you grasp the great progress this entails?  We think not.  Instead we are introducing the Malthusian Accelerated Dynamic Nourishment Equivalence Substitution Standard or …

 

The Impatient Reader:  …Yeah, yeah, yeah I can see where the acronym is going.  So what is it?

 

TDIA:  The M.A.D.N.E.S.S. is the amount of corn that would feed one person for one entire year. 

 

The Impatient Reader:  And what is that in real terms?

 

TDIA:  One 25-gallon tank of ethanol.  So you can measure your automobile by the number of people it could have fed in a year.  Exciting, eh?  “DRIVE THE NEW THORAX, UP TO 250 M.A.D.N.E.S.S.”

 

The Impatient Reader:  I have to go.  Cops just pulled me over for drinking coffee and texting through a red light.

 

TDIA:  It is a cruel world.  In gentler times you would have excused your self by saying: “I have to go.  Here’s me bus.”

 

[Groan of recognition from the makeshift bar at the back of the hall.]

 

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