It’s really great to be back. After the Olympics and some last minute smoking consulting for the US Tennis Open, I am finally back and can sit here, catch up on news, email, blogs and…
[Loud banging on door, screen left. Sound of wood splintering. Multiple booted footsteps are heard]
The Forces of Law and Order: DOWN ON THE FLOOR NOW. HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!
The Definitive Indefinite Article: What is…
The Forces of Law and Order: I SAID SHUT UP AND DOWN ON THE FLOOR
The Definitive Indefinite Article: You didn’t actually say “shut up.”
The Forces of Law and Order: I MEANT TO. NOW SHUT UP! DOWN ON THE FLOOR! HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!
[Awkward pause.]
The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Conciliatory] Do you need me to ask you what you are doing here.
The Forces of Law and Order: OH YEAH! THAT WOULD BE A HELP!
The Definitive Indefinite Article: What are you doing here?
The Forces of Law and Order: [Rifles through pockets. Reads from laminated card.] YOU ARE HEREBY DETAINED UNDER THE OSTRICHES OF THE DEPARTMENT OF UNTOLD CONFORMITY FOR POSSESSION OF AN ENGINE OF MEDIA WITH INTENT TO SAY UNFLATTERING THINGS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN, THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION OR THE CITY OF ST PAUL.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: I bet that doesn’t say “ostriches.”
The Forces of Law and Order: YOU’RE RIGHT. IT SAYS “AUSPICES.”
The Definitive Indefinite Article: Does that mean you can’t detain me now?
The Forces of Law and Order: [Pause. Sound of expansive brow furrowing. Pause.] NO. OSTRICHES, AUSPICES IT’S ALL THE SAME.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: This is crazy. This blog is about smoking and bishops moonlighting the Olympics and spandex and particle accelerators and celebrity fascists and electric books and energy policy and designer pharmaceuticals and the Hedgeer Hemlien Index and …
The Forces of Law and Order: YOU HAVE ALSO SAID SOME THINGS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN. HERE. HERE. AND HERE. COME WITH ME TO THE FIRST AMENDMENT RE-EDUCATION CENTER.
[Sound of plastic handcuffs. Scuffling fades off to screen left.]
September 6, 2008 at 1:12 am
Excuse me, stop right there! No, not you forces of Law and Order. You TDIA. Don’t you understand that any time anyone in the world gets arrested by riot cops for any reason whatsoever it casts hippified aspersions on us proper mainstreamed unbiased lot? Being arrested means you are a criminal, and every time you get arrested Bill O’Reilly starts yelling at me. Desist with your dreadful polite coughing to indicate mild discomfort with the beating of commies with large mallets and boots.
September 8, 2008 at 12:24 pm
As an avid reader of this Interweb-based journal I would like to announce that in addition to our insurance products offered previously in this forum, viz,
http://box3.wordpress.com/2008/04/22/we-treat-our-employees-like-dirt/
the Bishopric of Avila is also now currently and hereinafter in a position to offer two new coverage vehicles:
Comprehensive Random Detainment Indemnity Cover
And
Reactionary Bias Couched as Liberal Bias Botherment Protection
September 8, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Ignore that peasant from Avila! Get your Randon Detention Indemnity Coverage from the Bishopric of Cannes and you could win a free apartment rental for the next Cannes International Film Festival!!! We also offer competitive Computer Siezed By Airport Security For No Good Reason policies for the weary traveller.
September 9, 2008 at 10:08 am
[...] communication it falls to me to inform you that The Definitive Indefinite Article is currently in custody at the “First Amendment Memorial Re-Education Center” on Jekyll Island off the coast of [...]
November 3, 2008 at 10:49 am
[...] have been keeping a low profile recently, recovering from the stresses of abduction and detention at the hands of the Department of Untold Conformity and then as soon as I was released a boom in [...]
November 20, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Look at how the poor Republicans have slunk away to below the Mason-Dixon (and south of the Great Lakes and east of California) in order for to lick the electoral sores. The salve will be ill-advised, though, as there is nothing more pathetic than a forked tongue masquerading as succour. I hereby urge TDIA to muster all outraged citizens to commence an internet write-in campaign to KEEP McCAIN OUT OF THE NEW ADMINISTRATION and allow him to age gracefully in Tucson.
February 12, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Esteemed Reader:
Thank you for your comment. We regret that it has taken so long to acknowledge it but as you will understand we have been engaged in may civic projects recently. We appreciate you interest and value your readership and are happy to note that your wish has partly come true and are honored that we could play our small part in that.
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Clemece Braun, Customer Service Intern
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