The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: So anyway, there I was at the weekend watching Olympic equestrian beach shot putt waiting for Obama to text me his VP choice when who do I notice in the stands behind the Bolivian team coach…
The Definitive Indefinite Article: …Out of my way! I have important news to tell everyone. Joe…
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: …Biden is Obama’s running mate for November.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: How did you know that?
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: I was just about to tell you all before you so rudely interrupted me.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: So how did you know that?
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: He texted me.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Incredulously] You?
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Yes.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: Ha!
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Well, not just me. There were about thirty zillion others too.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Suspiciously] And how much did this cost?
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Free.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: Oh. [Pause.] Well that explains it.
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Explains what?
The Definitive Indefinite Article: Why I only found out now.
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: [With relish.] Please. Go on.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: I signed up for the premium service.
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Right. And?
The Definitive Indefinite Article: It’s a little slower. [Pause] But much more elegant.
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: And it cost you?
The Definitive Indefinite Article: It would be vulgar to tell you.
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: [Archly] We are suddenly concerned about vulgarity here?
The Definitive Indefinite Article: There is need for that tone. By the way, is that skinny waif in the corner my cat?
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: Uhm, no, no. That’s uhm a stray I adopted. Yours is sleeping.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: I see. So I found out later but the news was delivered to me by a page in an ermine flight suit accompanied by four former Miss Worlds in transparent spandex bikinis on a sleigh.
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: I take it the bikinis were on the Miss Worlds and not on the sleigh. That seems like a good use of your budget.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: When your secret smoking training regimen has already netted 47 gold medals, you don’t have a budget. Excuse me. The Miss Worlds are arguing about which of my Lamborghinis we should take out for the picnic.
[Exit screen left]
The Avid Reader and Sometime Interloping Writer: [Despondently.] I thought I was going to win that one. I really did.
The Definitive Indefinite Article: [Barely audible above the revving of sports car and blandishments of beauty queens.] Don’t forget to feed the cat!
August 26, 2008 at 4:35 pm
That is really odd – I signed up for the Third Class option: I was hand-delivered one of the VP pick’s pubic hairs and had to take it in for DNA analysis. I should know who he chose in 2-6 weeks, but I am guessing it is John Edwards from the type of evidence.
August 27, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Esteemed Eileen Ross: Thank you for your interest in The Definitive Indefinite Article. We laud your eschewing of the tawdry digital VPial announcement and envy you the thrill of expectancy you will have for the next 2-6 weeks as you await the identity of the VPial candidate. We can only wish that we had had the foresight to look further for this very special notification option and its concomitant keepsake (presuming you get said pubic hair returned to you after analysis.
September 2, 2008 at 8:38 am
I am confused, I came here looking for naked pictures of Eva Mendes…