Vile rumors have begun to circulate associating The Definitive Indefinite Article with alleged lamentable employee treatment perpetrated allegedly by some transport companies, among them allegedly FedEx.
Our legal team at Donosti, Goikochea, Itxibitxi, Spaider LLC have prepared the following statement which you can read out loud along with using our new WIntertext ® technology. Ready? Got a voice in your head? OK, look at the picture, move the cursor over each word and read aloud…
The Definitive Indefinite Article is a limited ability company duly established pursuant to Section 58 of the Companies Act of 1978.
Allegation The First
The Definitive Indefinite Article illegally classifies its employees as independent contractors to avoid paying taxes on them or making any kind of social security payments.
Refutation The First
The Definitive Indefinite Article (hereinafter TDIA) has no employees, no independent contractors and no real existence outside the minds of its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries whose existence has only been implied.
The Outraged Reader: That is some comfort, I must concede.
Allegation The Second
TDIA forces its independent contractors to purchase their own trucks.
Refutation The Second
See Refutation The First. Further, TDIA is a 100% carbon neutral enterprise and possesses or contracts or causes to be possessed or contracted no motor vehicles or internal combustion engines of any kind.
The Outraged Reader: That is reassuring, I think.
Allegation The Third
TDIA repelled a union organizing drive by maintaining that its 15,000 drivers had no right to unionize because they are independent contractors
Refutation The Third
See Refutation The First and Refutation The Second. Further TDIA, having no employees, contractors or vehicles cannot be said to have any drivers. However, it has actively distributed union cards to its co-founders, Board of Directors and the various Institutes, Think Tanks and subsidiaries. notwithstanding that their existence has only been imputed.
Allegation The Fourth
TDIA has engaged in employment practices that an only be likened to Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire style indentured servitude
Refutation The Fourth
See all refutations above. Further TDIA is a shrewd operator, aware of its own strengths and limitations and is unlikely to venture into such a highly competitive field as Neo-Dickensian, neoconservative, free-market, exploitative, laissez-faire business practices. That is best left to ventures with shareholders.
The Outraged Reader: I am convinced. And I am proud to be associated with this noble enterprise and will in the future consider carrying things home from the local area of commerce instead of having them trucked vast distances through the internet. I will make it my mission to tell my friends, cronies, fellow-travelers, family and neighbors to do the same.
April 23, 2008 at 12:46 pm
When I try to use Wintertext, all I get is this annoying nasal drone. Is this my voice or something to dop with the width of my interweb pipe?
April 23, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Hapless, you should reboot your computer and then type this in c/bootsector/ PING SERVER/3.2/ifall else/enable/
If that doesn’t work maybe you just have an annoying vice and should consider surgery.
April 23, 2008 at 12:51 pm
What about all those employees at Jai Alai 3Card Monty
that you were going to make redundant? Do they not exist either?
April 23, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Car Insurance too expensive? The Bishopric opf Avila offers discount rates to all readers of The Definitive Indefinite Article. Providing insurance underwriting since 1022
April 23, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Ilustrisimo Bishop of Avila: Out of respect for your office and a certain affection for the eponymous St Teresa, we will allow your shameless insurance hawking to remain on our site.
April 23, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Esteemed Definitive Indefinite Article: We thank you for indulging our vehicular insurance marketing. If you would care to [EDITED BY MODERATOR].
April 23, 2008 at 2:34 pm
That’s so uncool! I want to know what the Bishopo had to say! That’s censorship dude!
April 23, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Day Job II: We do not need the support of functional illiterates like you to come to our aid in matters of censorship.
April 23, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hey Day Job, do you think Bishopo is spanish for Bishop or you just a lousy typer
April 23, 2008 at 3:04 pm
these comments seem to be completely missing the point and ignoring the larger issues raised here.
April 23, 2008 at 8:29 pm
It is morons like “Concerned” that drive me out of the blogosphere and back to my trusty copy of ABC and a large tumbler of Carlos III. salud!
April 24, 2008 at 9:08 am
Ilustrisimo Bishop of Avila: We are honored to have a reader of so august and unashamedly fascist a newspaper as ABC grace (if you’ll pardon the pun) these pages.
April 24, 2008 at 11:15 am
Pun? What pun? I dont get it
April 24, 2008 at 11:20 am
SANTANDER ARCHDIOCESE IS AGREEABLE TO OFFER TO YOU THE LOWEST TARIFFS OF AUTO INSURANCE, UNDERPASSING EVEN THOSE OF THE BOSHOPIC OF AVILA. CONSULT OUR WEBSITE
April 24, 2008 at 11:28 am
You bishops are just sad. You caoldnt get the partido popular elected so now you have to tout car insurance. for what? to buy the silence of altarboys?
April 24, 2008 at 11:36 am
Santander: You are a cur! You have no right to invade my selling space! Desist!
April 24, 2008 at 11:39 am
Esteemed Web Entity: If the dispute between Santander and Avila cannot be resolved in a courteous and cicilised manner, we here in Burgos will be delighted to furnish you with competitive quotes for car, home and life insurance.
April 24, 2008 at 11:40 am
I believe it is irresponsible of The Definitive Indefinite Article to allow this debate to continue. It smellsof schism.
April 24, 2008 at 12:39 pm
[...] another to sell car insurance. We urge you to review this bitter exchange of comments by clicking here and give us your advice. Opinions of ex-altarboys will be given additional weighted consideration [...]
April 27, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I, too, have abandoned my pursuance of shorting oil futures and will, in the morning (my day trading licence was revoked) be buying shares in TDIA, Inc.
January 22, 2009 at 11:54 am
[...] Oh Jaysus, that’s all I need, an Outraged Reader. Wait! I remember you! You got all outraged at us about trucks we didn’t have. [...]