The Indefinite Article is delighted to bring you a world-exclusive interview with Li Tei who was the one who actually had to sit with the Olympic Flame in his lap all the way from Athens to Beijing.
TIA: This must have been a huge honor for you.
Li Tei: This was a great honor. Usually I transport organs for transplant so the Olympic Flame was a big change for me.
TIA: Did you receive any special training?
Li Tei: I am at liberty only to tell you certain facts. I am not at liberty to discuss a secret location in what may or may not be a bar in South Florida. I did receive some training in sitting still for long periods and breathing second-hand smoke to prepare me for the fumes from the Olympic Flame.
TIA: I see. What are your plans for the future?
Li Tei: On Friday I have an audition to be one of the Jingjing Panda mascots.
TIA: Well, good luck with that.
Li Tei: Thank you. Competition this year is very fierce. I have heard that Jack Nicholson wants to be a Nini swallow mascot. Personally I don’t think he has the chops any more.
The Department of Intrusive Customer Service here at the Indefinite Article recently provided me with their analysis our the readership which I would like to share here with same. Our readership they find is highly educated, urbane, sophisticated, interested in the broader world, of above average intelligence and mostly visiting The Indefinite Article ON THEIR EMPLOYERS’ TIME.
The Interjecting Reader: Hang on a second! That’s not true!
TIA: Is it not?
The Interjecting Reader: Well, not entirely. It’s Saturday and I’m in here aren’t I?
TIA: For all I know you might work a weekend shift.
The Interjecting Reader: For all you know I might.
TIA: Do you?
The Interjecting Reader: Sometimes. But I still come in here on my days off!
TIA: I see. That is very warming and encouraging.
The Interjecting Reader: Glad to be of help. But I have to run. Here’s me boss!
[Loud groan of recognition from the cheap seats in the balcony]
President Bush II announced in 2004 that he was all for an ownership society. Some would argue in view of the current housing/mortgage/market meltdown crisis that this was foolishness but the question requires deeper analysis. Who was supposed to own what? The general interpretation was that low and middle-income “folk” should be able to own their own home. The President and the administration partially achieved this goal. They allowed the financial industry to conduct itself without adult supervision and it came to pass that a lot of low and middle-income “folk” got to borrow money they could never pay back at an initial low repayment rate that would eventually skyrocket so they could feel what it was like to “own” a home until it got taken away from them. They got a temporary S-7 visa into the Ownership Society. When it expired, they had to leave.
This was not a failure on the part of the administration but more of an interpretative expectancy differential on the part of the public. Yet again it is the public is to blame.
The real Ownership Society is an exclusive agglomeration of our betters who have owned and will continue to own most of what exists. Some of them live here. You should rest assured that these people and their forefathers have had generations of experience in owning most of what exists.
Some of you may remember our secret climatologically enhanced Olympic training facility in south Florida. When last we heard all was going swimmingly in the hands of our able operatives Meyers and Harrison.
Well, I have just received an urgent communiqué from them and would like to poll our readership (cheaper than hiring a consultant; easier than thinking about it ourselves) as this involves something of a moral dilemma.
Should The Indefinite Article Consulting Group, a hardly-owned subsidiary of The Indefinite Article provide additional training to the athletes of the country that persists in insisting on continuing to remain nameless in the following events?
1500m Crowded Square Tank Steeplechase
4 x 100 Protester Rubber Bullet relay
To vote no, click here.
To vote yes, click here.
The avid and not so avid followers of The Indefinite Article will have noticed a brief hiatus in outpourings. The Principals of The Indefinite Article spent the weekend and deep into Tuesday in negotiations with the beleagured investment bank Jai, Alai, Threecard Monty. The Indefinite Article has now made a buyout offer of $1.25 per share. Obviously Jai alai was worth a lot more than that on Friday but what can one do? Even at this low price price The Indefinite Article is taking a risk so the Federal Reserve is underwriting the deal.
The Puzzled Reader: The WHAT is WHAT?
TIA: The Federal Reserve is underwriting the deal to the tune of $300 gizillion.
The Puzzled Reader: What does that really mean?
TIA: Well, you see Jai, Alai, Threecard Monty own a lot of illiquid assets, the value of which is difficult to ascertain
The Puzzled Reader: You mean they own worthless crap?
TIA: They own investments that may or not be worthless. We won’t know until we try to unload them but they paid $300 gizillion for them so the Federal Rserve will guarantee that $300 gizillion. If we sell them all and only get $17.50 then the Fed will make up the difference.
The Puzzled Reader: They will? With what?
TIA: Tax dollars.
The Puzzled Reader: Excuse me I have to go vomit.
TIA: Try not to get it on your shoes.
As we look back at 5 years of Operation Cakewalk to Freedom and all the progress that has been made as the Surge provides levels of stability that allow the Iraqi government to disintegrate in relative peace, it is good to remind ourselves of who planned it, cajoled people to get behind it and how life has rewarded them for their brilliance.
This is my favorite quote about the war. It sums up everything that Paul Wolfowitz, neo-conservative thought and the meritocracy that is America mean to me. If only there were a Nobel Prize for prognostication
“There is a lot of money to pay for this that doesn’t have to be U.S. taxpayer money, and it starts with the assets of the Iraqi people. We are talking about a country that can really finance its own reconstruction and relatively soon.”
- Paul “Did-I-Really-Say-That-Out-Loud?” Wolfowitz, U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense, testifying before the Defense Subcommittee of the House Appropriations Committee, 3/27/03
Choose your favorite Iraq quote here
Last night I had a telephone call from my man at Jai, Alai, Threecard-Monty LLC. For continuity’s sake I continue to refer to him thus even though he is no longer at the firm. And that brings me to the phone call. He called me from somewhere beside the sea from what he referred to as his “disposable phone” to let me know he would not be handling my financial affairs anymore. When pressed, he told me he had retired. When further pressed, he elaborated:
“This is how it is, see? Monday the Feds pump a huge wad of cash into the system. Tuesday the Dow Jones goes up 400 points cos everyone is feeling confident. Wednesday all the people like me dump every stock they have, take their winnings and leave the table. The Dow Jones drops 300 points and a chunk of the Feds’ money is now safely in my pocket and going nowhere near Wall Street again for a very long time. Money doesn’t just evaporate, it goes somewhere, you just need to know where.”
Applications for the post of Financial Consultant to The Indefinite Article may be left in the comments section.
Many are discussing Barack Obama’s recent speech. Whatever you think of it, it is useful to remind oneself exactly how low the bar of public speaking has been set. Herewith The Department of Obfuscatory Forensics here at The Indefinite Article has provided the translation of the 2008 State of the Union speech now in the Pages section. For those too click averse, you can go directly via this link
http://box3.wordpress.com/state-of-the-union-2008-translated-from-the-froth/
I received this letter from the legal representatives of Feargal Macken via motorcycle messenger yesterday evening.
Holden, Slippinger & Mertz
Re: Che Iluminati botini or Shine Up Your Buttons
Sir,
We are counsel to Feargal Macken. Mr. Macken is a respected performer whose reputation to date has depended on the purity of his art. Mr. Macken, as you know, has eschewed all forms of electronic recording, both analog and digital. We have been instructed by Mr. Macken to take all appropriate steps to ensure that all further dismenation and distribution of his work is discontinued and the original source recording destroyed within ten (diez) (dix) (10) (X) (5+5) days of this notice. We anticipate and fully expect your cooperation in this matter.
I can only surmise that Mssrs. Holden, Slippinger & Mertz charge extra for any non-English terms used in their correspondence. In the meantime I will continue to make this rare recording available to all patrons of The Indefinite Article who may wish to receive it via electric mail.
I imagine few of you have heard of and fewer still actually heard the reclusive and mysterious Irish tenor Feargal Macken. This enigmatic young man, who refuses to make any electronic recordings, appears unannounced in rare staged operas and gives impromptu recitals in unconventional venues, turned up last night at a delightful Patrick’s Day gathering at the place of employ of an acquaintance of mine who is somehow connected with the Irish Consulate in New York.
Entranced though I was, I did manage to send a recording off to my answering machine before being detected and ejected. They threw my broken cell phone down the steps after me so were kind to me according to their god. The indignity, the injury and the damage to personal property notwithstanding, I am in the wonderful position to offer for the first time ever on the whorled wide web, a scratchy but unique opportunity to hear this most hermit-like of the Irish tenors and ballad singers that swarm the airwaves in a rendition of Che Iluminati botini or Shine Up Your Buttons from Rossini’s little-known Il Cloaca. Given the exclusive nature of this recording, I will not be posting it but will gladly forward a personal copy to any of The Indefinite Article’s patrons who care to request it via the comments.
Just got off the phone with My Man at Jai, Alai, Threecard-Monty LLC. He had the following asset allocation recommendation for a balanced portfolio , based on walking by the New York Federal Reserve Bank this morning and noticing that the usually lightly armed Federal Reserve cop was toting a pump-action shotgun:
50% Carbon Emission Futures
30% Blue Chip pitch fork manufacturers
20% Cat food
To quote My Man: “If it all goes pear-shaped and the rabble hit the streets and have to start eating cat-food, you’re 50% covered.”
Saturday was a rest day for the athletes from the country that insists on continuing to remain nameless and the Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians, Cuffe St. Ironically they chose to spend it in our secret facility drinking, smoking and playing pool, which is pretty much how they had spent the two previous days.
On Sunday evening we bid farewell to our Hibernian friends from Cuffe Street and poured them onto an airplane bound for New York to put all they had learned into practice on the streets of that fair city. I returned to New York myself on a later plane having left our originless athletes in the capable hands of Indefinite Article Operatives Meyers and Harrison. I cannot ever divulge the identity of these athletes but when you see them in Beijing, you will know them by their nocotine stained fingers and their superlative performances.
Speaking 0f superlative performances, I was delighted to hear that in all will be well with “the market.” Forget about shaky mortgage-backed securities, Bear Stearns getting bought for $2 a share, the Fed cutting the interest rate again. The Green market is open for business! The what? You can now buy and sell Carbon Emission futures. You can what? These fantastically complicated financial instruments are the next new shiny thing. In essence they are bets on how much it will cost enterprises to pollute in Europe in the future. These bets can be bought and sold. How could it possibly go wrong? I will be contacting my bookie, sorry I’ll read that again, investment consultant at Jai, Alai, Threecard-Monty LLC , immediately. For a small electric remittance via the comments section, I will pass on his closely-guarded contact information.
Smoky back Room. South Florida. 12:30
Just woke up under a pool table. Last night got a little out of hand. The pole vaulters from the country that shall continue to remain nameless challenged the Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians (Cuffe Street) to a tequila shots contest. Anyway, woke up just now and this link was lying beside my head wrapped around a peach schnapps bottle filled with cigarette butts.
http://www.langerland.com/content/view/37/59
It’s an old one but still brings a tear to my eye particularly at this solemn time of year.
Smoky Back Room. Florida. 1:00pm
Things have been a little tense. Colm Hennessey, who up to twenty minutes ago was Vice President of Acquisitions, Transitioning and Mission Statements for the Indefinite Article Consulting Group, double-booked our secret location here.
At one end of the room we have the athletes from the country that shall remain nameless learning how to smoke cigarettes while on the asymmetric bars and the pummel horse and other exercises too specialized to go into in this civilian blog.
At the other end is a contingent from the Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians, Cuffe Street, a splinter group of the Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians, Upper Gardiner Street, itself an acrimonious splinter group from the Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians, Lower Gardiner Street. You get the picture.
Anyway, the Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians, Cuffe Street, is here to train for their St. Patrick’s Day triathlon. For the moment things have settled down and they are all practicing carrying five full pints (imperial measure) through a crowd while smoking a lighted cigarette in each corner of the mouth and shouting: “I think I dropped me peanuts!” So far the athletes are not overly disturbed by the noise and are appreciative of the extra smoke. I do not know who is training Provisional Ancient Order of Hibernians, Upper Gardiner Street this year but they are duly warned that they will face some stiff competition this year.
I am delighted to announce that Indefinite Article Consulting Group, a shady subsidiary of The Indefinite Article has been contracted by an Olympic Committee that shall remain nameless to provide expert coping strategies and training for its athletes in the upcoming Beijing Olympics. Our patented acclimatization program includes but is not limited to the following modules:
· Choosing the right training cigarette
· Filter tips or untipped; stamina vs. intensity
· Lighting up in a stiff breeze, Level I
· Lighting up in a stiff breeze with your last match, Level II
· Are 200 Marlboro enough for a marathon?
· An athlete’s guide to unventilated pool halls that still allow smoking
· An athlete’s guide to oil refinery towns with poor air movement
· Cycling behind trucks, a deep breathing guide
· Cycling behind trucks while smoking (Recommended for 1500m runners)
· Sitting in parked cars and smoking while supposed to be attending religious services (4 Person minimum)
I will be at our secret location in south Florida for the next few days to supervise the pre-ambientization of our training facility but will hopefully be able to reach this blog through the haze.
