January 13, 2012
Harris Harassment, (HHH NYSE) is pleased to announce that Vincent Positano has been promoted to Sr. Vice President for Collections at Harris Harassment. Vincent has been with harris since 1998. Before that he was a fellow at the American Entropy Institute.
Established in 1926 Harris Harassment is a world-leader Friendship Maintenance Consultant, bothering and badgering non-communicative and non-responsive freinds for clients across the globe.
June 22, 2011
The Definitive Indefinite Article: We temporarily interrupt this long hiatus to belatedly fulfill our commitment to our annual Bloomsday Twiterature installment.
The Patient Reader: I was wondering if you would ever come back to get around to that.
TDIA: Well it has been very busy over at the Sister ship of The Brothers’ Lot and then , well I got sidetracked watching Rory McIlroy winning the US golf Open and then I was on the radio on Bloomsday and…
The Patient Reader: I heard you. I fully understand and am delighted to see you back, I was up until all hours watching the golf myself.
TDIA: So here goes. The story so far:
Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came across from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:–_Introibo ad altare Dei_. Ha
The Patient Reader: Right. I’m with you.
TDIA: And this is 2011’s offering:
lted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely: Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit! Solemnly he came forward
The Patient Reader: Ah, that’s lovely. It’s really starting to pick up steam. I can’t wait for next year.
TDIA: But wait! This year it is actually on Twitter too.
The Patient Reader: You don’t say!
TDIA: I do! @KevinHolohan is pushing it out any minute now.
The Patient Reader: Ah that’s marvellous!. In a strangely self-referential kind of way.
TDIA: The times we live in.
The Patient Reader: Indeed. Oops here’s me boss! Back to my spreadsheet. [Alt+Tab. Exit.]
TDIA: Goodluck now.
May 5, 2011
Due to drastic cutbacks at The Definitive Indefinite Article broadcasting on this channel is temporarily suspended and all our resources will be concentrated on our sistership over beyond at The Brothers’ Lot. Please follow the link.
http://thebrotherslot.wordpress.com/
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December 31, 2010
All three of ye. Here’s to two weeks of writing last January’s dates before denial subsides and we all let 2011 in the door. The European Central Wank (sic) has threatened to devalue the year so it may actually end up being 2003.756234. So happy whatever it turns out to be.
December 22, 2010
It is that time of year again when we recycle this post. Today December 22nd in 1989, Samuel Beckett died. Since then he has fast been acquiring an “honoured name.” Is that Hell?
Roundelay
on all that strand at end of day steps sole sound long sole sound until unbidden stay then no sound on all that strand long no sound until unbidden go steps sole sound long sole sound on all that strand at end of day -Samuel Beckett (1906-1989)
November 11, 2010
I just saw a truck n the street emblazoned with the sign “DATA SHREDDING SERVICES.” How exactly to you shred data? I undestand the princiles of shredding paper but data?
Maybe you take a simple statement like “8 out of 10 cats prefer tuna to chicken” shove it into a big noisy contraption and hit the switch and out comes:
“Feline bootstrap randomization intervals using bias corrected seafood percentiles indicate a regressive boxplot of Poisson regression models for which a non-linear U-shaped relation was seen. Locally weighted regression indicates recursive tendencies in the log-linear in the predictor variables.”
But what about the other 2 cats, you might ask? I believe they were collaterally negligated in the excessive whining and grinding of gears as the data got shredded.
November 3, 2010
Small Investors thank Hedge Fund Runners
You will probably have a hard time remembering Jai-Alai 3Card Monty Bourse Bigote de Barcelona. (A quick search of this locus for Jai alai will quickly refresh your memory). Their financial wizardry landed them in regulatory difficulties and they took many of their boutique financial instruments such as their Poverty Deflate Swaps off the market.
During the recent socialist, liberal, effete, elitist witch-hunt Jai-Ala had been quietly working behnd the scenes through its political foundations, pouring millions into the election campaigns of willing and compliant “politicians” who will now create a more hopspitable environment for the kind of go-getting entrepreneurship that made Jai-Alai 3Card Monty Bourse de Barcelona the giant it once was.
Stand by for the launch of Real Income Erosion Futures and Class-based Asset Class Repurchase Bonds as soon as the richest 2% are relieved of the heinous burden of having to pay their own electric bills.
October 13, 2010
We work for you!
The Hooker Streetcorner Bill currently before the US Congress would radically reform how political campaigns are financed. John Hooker (R) and Harriet Streetcorner (D) co-sponsored this bill in the hope it would “bring transparency and accountability to how our elections work and for whom they work.”
The bill would
“We hope that this bill will demonstrate to the American People ® that transparency is our top priority. Now you will not just be able to read a politician’s lips you will be able to read his or her clothes and know exactly whose best interests are being represented.” added Representative Hooker.
September 13, 2010
To the tumultuous sound of one hand clapping the Reverend Ian Paisley, founder of the Free Presbyterian Church, will protest the visit of Pope Benedict to the United Kingdom in order to show support for the victims of clerical abuse.
Said Gusty McGlinchey, founder of the North Antrim Centre for Non-Attachment and propreitor of Gouging Gusty’s Norn Iron Do Jo :
It has taken many years of study and practice to come up with a way to both attack and defend Taigs, uhm, Catholics at the same time. We believe this exercise should only be attempted by true adepts. Others may suffer internal organ damage from the strains of inner moral torque.
August 9, 2010
Since the World Cup final Ole Ole Ole The Definitive Indefinite Article has been drinking round the clock with its Iberian counterpart El Articulo Indefinido Definitivo. This we can do with a clear conscience knowing that our fatuousness and silliness will be more than adequately covered by the soi-disant Mainstream Meeja in its silly season mode. We have just discovered 12 bottles of Patxaran in the behind the kitchen door in Unai’’s house so it may be some time before we reappear.
Agur!
July 8, 2010
Osric The Unhinged son of Ethelgulf the Lapdancer
The Intrusive Reader: Did you read about this?
TDIA: WHAT are you doing in here? Can’t you see I’m watching the world cup?
The Intrusive Reader: Recording the games, are you? You’re way behind. No need to bother watching that one – Mexico beat France handily.
[Groans from the cheap seats at the back of the gallery]
TDIA: Handily?
The Intrusive Reader: Handball. Thierry Henry? Remember?
TDIA: Right. So did I read about what?
The Intrusive Reader: The Prime Minister of England just issued an apology to King Osric the Unhinged of the Jutes saying that the attack on their camp in Wessex in 822 was “unprovoked” and “regrettable.” and that the initial Drudgery Report in 824 was completley inadequate.
TDIA: Are you sure about that?
The Intrusive Reader: Something along those lines I’m sure.
TDIA: Maybe it’s the Bloody Sunday report your thinking of?
The Intrusive Reader: Ah yes that would be it! Still better late than never, eh?
TDIA: True enough. At least it came around quicker that a repeat World Cup win. 44 years and counting. I’ d hate to be wating that long.
July 6, 2010
In an unprecedented move, the Pugnacious Arts Section of FIFA (Floundering In Football Administration) released the following statement exclusively to The Definitive Indefinite Article:
In light of recent considerations, we have decided to rescind the Psychotic Bastard Skinhead Award we earlier awarded to the Ivory Coast.
This comes on the heels of the discovery of the Cruyff Total Football Invisibility Shield that the Dutch team have been deploying on the field. This shield creates a National Stereotype Enhancement Effect that prevents officials and pundits from noticing that, the Dutch are, in fact, a fascinatingly cynical and dirty team.
We wish to get this award rectified before the semi-final to avoid any charges on hopping on any band wagons. We regret that we have been blinded by Cruyff metaphors and lazy punditry and hope this will settle the matter.
June 20, 2010
After an all night session the Pugnacious Arts Section of FIFA (Floundering In Football Administration) released the following statement exclusively to The Definitive Indefinite Article:
In previous World Cups we have waited until the end of the tournament to award the Psychotic Bastard Skinhead Award but we feel that this year the Ivory Coast selection in today’s game against Brazil produced a display of vicious kicking and career-ending tackles that we unlikely to see again in this tournament. In light of this display of unbridled and unthinking violence we feel that we can safely say the Psychotic Skinhead Award for 2010 has found an indisputable winner. Nothing shot of two teams taking to the field with 4×2′s could rival this.
Said a veteran observer of Glasgow Celtic vs. Rangers games:
Usually when a team starts kicking the shit out of another there is some tactical reason for it, this was so devoid of any tactical motive as to border on post modern art. The more they fouled, the less time they had to try to get a goal back. It was almost as much pure art as the collective self immolation by sulking of the French team.
June 16, 2010
The Earnest Reader: Is it that time of year already?
TDIA: What? Why do you people keep wandering in here and bothering me? What time of year?
The Earnest Reader: Bloomsday.
TDIA: Already?
The Earnest Reader: Exactly what I was saying. So?
TDIA: So? What?
The Earnest Reader: Will there be Twiterature this year.
TDIA: Eh yeah sure. Was just a bit distracted lamenting the bloom coming off the rows of cast steel in the world Cup. Eh here you are:, Picking up from where we left off last year comes this year’s twiterature installment of Ulysses:
gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:–_Introibo ad altare Dei_. Ha
The Earnest Reader: Ah, that’s fabulous? do ye count spaces.
TDIA: We do. Why.
The Earnest Reader: Just figuring.
TDIA: What?
The Earnest Reader: Well at this rate it’ll take another 10,628 years to do the whole thing. See ye next year.
June 8, 2010
Following the partial success (the other part was complete failure) of Operation Open Shut the increasingly erratic Bee Pee CEO Moxy Potline issued the following statement:
Operation Open Shut was only partially successful despite the valiant efforts of Botch and Bungle, uhm, I mean, Wedlock and Mandible, uhm, you know who I mean the two wrench like wraiths we borrowed from the London Olympics who really didn’t do that good a job when you think about it. [Mumbles indistinctly] We are now considering the Glass Hammer Solution. This simple and elegant solution will drop a huge glass hammer onto the oil slick (it’s glass so we can see through it to aim). This will disperse it into globlets small enough to be retrieved in the average pleasure craft. We will pay a bounty of $100 for every barrel returned to our temporary headquarters in Camp Fuck Off Public No Admittance.
We expect manufacture to take 5-8 days and the design phase for helicopters large enough to carry it out to sea to be complete by June 18. If I might be so bold as to quote the Irish Nobel winner Samuel Beckett: “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” Now if you will excuse me I have to play in a five-a-side rugby tournament in Dubai.
Wall Street analysts shook their heads and walked away in the direction of Gargle McDargles Irish Pub on Pine Street.
 | El Quebin on Samuel Beckett Still Dead… |
| El Quebin on Samuel Beckett Still Dead… |
 | Ffrench on Samuel Beckett Still Dead… |
| El Quebin on Samuel Beckett Still Dead… |
| Ffrench on Samuel Beckett Still Dead… |
