Yes We Can!

the Definitive Indefinite Article has just learned from our spam blocker that there is a whole digital demi-monde wherein one may earn a living simply by taking online surveys.  It would seem that the internet has finally delivered on the promise of a leisure society and we can all pack in the day jobs.

At least there is one context in which we can still say “Yes we can!” and not feel like assholes.

Due to cutbacks at The Definitive Indefinite Article, this is the sole extent of our analysis of the State of the Union address.  But here’s a survey to practice for your new career:

 

Major Corporations Implicated in Gay Marriage Subterfuge

Corporate Quiz

Many of our readers will be familiar with the recent US Supreme Court Decision allowing corporations to pour unlimited monies into political campaigns…

The Insistent Reader: Now why would they say such a thing?

TDIA: Because legally corporations are persons and the argument goes that limiting their ability to buy off politicians violates their constitutional rights.

The Insistent Reader: People are they?

TDIA: Yes, in a way

The Insistent Reader: Are there gay corporations?

TDIA: What?

The Insistent Reader: Are there gay corporations like there are gay people?

TDIA: I don’t know.

The Insistent Reader: So there could be.  In so far as no one has ever proved conclusively that corporations are NOT gay.

TDIA: I suppose so.

The Insistent Reader: So for all we know all these mergers going on could be between gay corporations.

TDIA: If you want to think of it that way.

The Insistent Reader: I do!  I do!  [Getting excited.  Sees job at Washington Post in his future]  So corporations, technically, being people who may or may not be gay, have been merging for years.  All this gay marriage has been going on under our noses all this time?  This is huge!  This could put me on the Think Thank gravy train.  This could….

TDIA: Close the gate behind you on your way out.

 

Members of Congress Cleared to Wear Sponsor Logos

The Supreme Court of the United States has cleared the way for Members of the US Congress to accept unlimited corporate money and display the logos of their benefactorson their suits provided they are always accompanied by Public Image Modulation Personell or PIMP.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/22/us/politics/22scotus.html?partner=rss&emc=rss

“It is incumbent on us to protect our Democracy by ensuring that our elected officials do not roam around the Capitol without their PIMPs.  That would de a travesty of the democratic process,” said the Justices.

“I was thinking that politics was the oldest profession in the world but this decision has just reminded me of another one,” declared a court observer.  “Some of these guys are going to end up looking like Nascar drivers.”

 

Bank Reform We Can All Believe In

As Chris Dodd considers his legacy on US Senate banking Committee he should consider this gem courtesy of our friends over at The Mire :

 http://themire.net/new-era-dawns-as-banks-refer-to-customers-as-victims/

The Mire has learned that the interim financial watchdog is to reform the language of banking as an initial step in trying to change the behaviour of banks.

“Most bankers don’t think they did anything wrong,” a spokesman said. “By changing the language of banking we believe bankers will come to accept that what they do is wrong and will ultimately stop doing it.

“So, from January 11th bank customers will be referred to as ‘victims’ and all transactions will be known as ‘muggings’ or ‘violations’. This is a small step but we believe it is a step in the right direction,” he added.

“It is hoped at a later date to introduce a system whereby bank customers – or victims – will be able to make victim impact statements. If the banks do develop a moral compass there are also plans to change the language of the catholic church and the public sector unions.”

 

Slovakia Sends Explosives to Dublin

From the You Can’t Make This Shit Up Department with all gratitude to the Irish Times and, of course, the Slovakian Security forces:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2010/0105/breaking39.htm

CONOR LALLY, CRIME CORRESPONDENT

A Garda investigation is under way after a Slovakian man unwittingly carried explosives on a commercial flight to Ireland as part of an airport security check that went wrong.

The 49-year-old was one of eight people who had plastic explosives planted in their luggage last Saturday morning at Bratislava airport by the Slovakian security services.

The covert planting of the material in the passengers’ bags was done to test the airport’s security screening.

Security checks at the airport uncovered seven of the concealments. However, the man flying to Dublin was not detected.

He passed through all checks in Bratislava, took his flight to Dublin airport and then travelled into his apartment on Gardner St in Dublin’s north inner city.

He unpacked his bag but the explosives had been concealed so well that he did not find them. The Slovakian authorities only realised yesterday that one batch of explosives was missing. They established the Dublin-bound passenger had not been detected.

The airport police at Bratislava airport then contacted their counterparts in Dublin. Gardaí were then alerted, identified the man’s flat and went to it and searched it. The Army’s bomb disposal experts examined the explosives at the scene.

The roads around the apartment complex including Dorset St, a main artery into the city, were sealed off for an hour, and local apartments and businesses were evacuated. The area was declared safe at 12.05pm.

The 96 grams of plastic explosives were taken away for examination by Garda ballistics experts.

The man at the centre of the incident knew nothing about the explosives that had been planted in his bag. He was arrested at his apartment, but gardai released him after they satisfied themselves he was completely innocent.

He has been living in Ireland for some time and works here as an electrician. He was returning to Ireland after holidaying in Slovakia over Christmas.

The Government and Garda have been in contact with the Slovakian authorities. The Slovakian Minister for the Interior has already expressed his “profound regret” to Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern.

Garda Commissioner Fachtna Murphy has appointed Det Chief Supt Martin McLaughlin to establish the full background into the incident.

 

TDIA Launches Twitríocht

As the New Year’s rush to grab content for digital reading devices like kindles and nooks and L&N Books’ newly reconfigured MeBuke continues unabated The Definitive Indefinite Article is delighted to announce that it has acquired Erse Holes 4 Everyone, Inc and has launched Twitríocht.
The Cantankerous Reader: And what good, tell me, will that do for the world?
TDIA: It will provide our subscriberverse (C) snippets of Irish literature in Gaelic an allow our readers to decide what works they would like to download for their digital reading devices.

The Cantankerous Reader: Would you ever get yourself a real job at all?  [Stomps through scullery.  Sound of back door slamming]

TDIA:  Now that he’s safely ensconced in the shed smoking and sulking we can get on with the lauch of Twitríocht (R)

Is Mise Raifteirí an file,
Lán dúchais is grádh,
Le súile gan solas,
Le ciúnas gan crá.
Ag dul síar ar m’aistear
Le solas mo chroí
Fann agu

From Is Mise Raifteirí

 

2009 The Year In Review

What a fantastic year it has been! 

In January we had the immortal quote from our Outraged Reader: “NATIONALIZE THE BASTARD BANKS!’  Of course this was ignored by grown ups with suits in the hope that everyone would forget about the whole thing and, in large part, everyone did.

In February we had the world exclusive on the last letters of Col. Trevelyan Makeshift-Bastion, a similarly exclusive report of Pope Dancing Foxtrot With Celebrity Fascist long before celebrity fascism had even become popular and some assorted ruminations on Ponzi Schemes.

March brought with it wind and rain and disturbing movements on the Hedgeer Hemlien Index, fantastic St. Patrick’s Day frolics, and the news of AIG for Sale.

April was indeed the cruellest month and The Definitive Indefinite Article took to heart the advices of Ludvig Wittgenstein: “Whereof we cannot speak reasonably, we must pass over in silence.”  Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, 7

May we heralded in in time-honored fashion with a stirring rendition of the Internationale, the introduction of Twiterature and its Spanish language version Twiteratura.

June brought us my own mysterious disappearance, Hedgeer Hemlien acquiring Bigote of Barcelona, Bloomsday, the birth of Twiterary Cwiticism and the  launch of ipuke, the app that makes your phone throw up all over itself at night.

July was a slow month with wi fi in Dublin taxis bringing the death of obscurantist conversation and the French Foreign Legion setting fire to Marseilles.

August saw the end of reader-generated content and the rebranding of AIG as CHARTIS

September was a mixed bag of little note.

October saw  Dublin being the real winner in the Olympic bidding process.

November saw the Definitive Indefinite Article branch out into plagiarism, the Thierry Henry Sportsman of the Year/Decade debacle and its associated vinicultural fallout.

December delivered itself of TD Paul Gogarty shouting “Fuck You” at Emmet Stagg in Dáil Éireann, the continuing decease of Samuel Beckett , The Mire’s Year in Review and (the ultimate, the ne plus pas ultra in self-referentiality) the Definitive Indefinite Article Year in Review.

Here’s to another year of pharmaceutical auto bots misguidedly leaving links trying to sell Celexa to the residents of  St. Loman’s Home for Retired, Decrepit and Indigent Blog Taglines and their Relicts. Now pin your ears back, ignore the bad 70’s clothes and enjoy (email subscribers please do not all visit the site at once or you will crash it):

 

Samuel Beckett Still Dead!

Today December 22nd in 1989, Samuel Beckett died.  Since then he has fast been acquiring an “honoured name.”  Is that Hell?   To wit here is a twiterary tribute and for once we will willfully exceed the character limits:

Roundelay

on all that strand
at end of day
steps sole sound
long sole sound
until unbidden stay
then no sound
on all that strand
long no sound
until unbidden go
steps sole sound
long sole sound
on all that strand
at end of day 

-Samuel Beckett (1906-1989)

 

Paul Gogarty Wins Statesman of the Decade

In a bizarre turn of events, the Order of the Shiny Tracksuit (Cuffe Street), the mostly Thomist rival to the Cartesian Order of the Shiny Tracksuit (Aungier Street) and best known for awarding its Sportsman of the Decade award to Thierry Henry, has awarded Green Party Deputy Paul Gogarty its Sportsman of the Decade award.
.
Spokesperson Terence Scully of the Order said: “It was fucking deadly the way he just told that specky four-eyed bollix Fuck You. I never seen a TD on the telly do the like of that before.”

 
When asked about the rumor that Mr. Gogarty had only been chosen after the Tiger Woods scandal broke, Mr. Scully retorted:  ”Golf isn’t politics! Sure it isn’t even a real fucking sport!”

 

Massive Layoffs in Irish Politics

The Definitive Indefinite Article is grieved to note the massive layoffs that have occurred in Irish politics.

The Observant Reader: What the fuck are you talking about?  You just posted the video of Deputy Paul Gogarty shouting “Fuck you!” at Deputy Emmet Stagg in the Oireachtas.  Just have a look at it.  What has that to do with layoffs?  You’re missing the point.  I now apologise for my use of improper language but really you are missing the fucking point completely.  Look at the video!

TDIA: Right I see what you are talking about but you see?  There at 0:38?  There are like 5 people left in government.  You can’t run even a small country with 5 people.  It would take more people than that to run a country into the ground.  It took a couple of hundred of the best and the brightest to do that in the first place.

The Observant Reader: Point taken.

 

Circumcision is the Secret of Immortality!

Or so the American Center for Disease Control seems to think.  But it’s OK.  They are only planning go make it mandatory for little boys.  They haven’t yet come up with the strategy for taking the blade to all the little girls yet.  If ye think yer god needs you to lop off part of your newborn’s penis, good luck to you!  But really , let’s keep it Mutilation Optional.  No Scalpel Panels!  Click below to let the CDC know they are out there with the flat earthers.

http://www.care2.com/go/z/19798020

 

Remember

December 6th is the Day of the Constitution in Spain.  December 8th is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary.  For anyone who wonders what a fascist state looks like or can’t even begin to imagine have a look here.  This is what the confluence of nationalism, business interests and the god squad arrayed against working people looks like. Watch out for tell-tale signs in your world!  ¡Felíz día de la constitución!

Click here to see

 

 

 

 

Big phones like big smoke?

Here’s a thought experiment from our Money Over Matter Department.

You know the way the tobacco people knew decades ago that cigarettes were addictive and caused all kind of deadly diseases but opted instead for the business decision to take the up-front profits, obfuscate the whole health question for as long as possible and deal with the legal consequences later?

Now, what if the cellular telephone people had a memo somewhere informing them that the radiation generated by all those smart and not so smart phones was causing brain and jaw cancer or leukemia or something awful like that.  (For our email subscribers you should check the site for the poll below – and I mean BOTH of you!!)

 

TDIA Has A New Friend

We are delighted to announce that we have a new friend.

The Skeptical Reader:  Is this like a real person?

TDIA: No, we found her on the internet.

The Skeptical Reader: I see.  And you call this a life?

TDIA: No. I don’t think I ever called it a life.

The Skeptical Reader: Fair point.  So, who is this new friend of yours?

TDIA: http://onfailingupwards.blogspot.com/

The Skeptical Reader:  And what’s that all about?

TDIA: Idiots and morons who succeed because of their stupidty.  We shall be adding it to our blogroll.  

The Skeptical Reader:  And those are the kind of people you want for imaginary friends then?

TDIA: Is that your Lexus that they are towing from outside my house?

The Skeptical Reader: Bastard!

 

Thanksgiving Day Puzzle

Q: How do you say “Happy Thanksgiving” in Massachuset?

A: