Blather IPO to rival Facebook’s?

 

Busy graphs help rattle punters

Announcing Blather ® It’s like twitter but more comprehensive, like facebook but less busy.  Blather® unlike other social media will not constrain your outpourings nor will it foist apps or features on you.  Blather® has a per-posting character limit of 1,238,474 characters.    Blather® is where those with a lot to say can say it.   Blather® is where there are no moments of did-I-really-just post-that? remorse because no one will read it.  Blather ® is where people go to read and re-read their own posts.  Sign up for your free account now.

Brainchild of Anakin Gorostiza, former Senior Investment Strategist at Jai Alai 3Card Monty LLC, and Sebastiao Kirchner, former Solutions Architect at  Bourse Bigote de Barcelona, Blather® is a platform-agnostic  content-catholic, holistically 360-oriented Wall-Street-front-facing  eyeball-delivering anti-social media tool.  Its initial IPO (this Friday, so sign up for that free account fast) is valued at approximately 83 billion$*. 

$* Consolidated Equivalency Valuation Index Units, pegged to the Treblikistan Eddu expressed as base 3 hexadecimal.

 

Harris Harrassment Shocks Pundits

Harris Harassment, (HHH NYSE) shocked market analysts this morning when it announced that it had acquired rival Outreach Amity, LLC. “We expect to continue to serve both customer bases with the same excellent service. Of you do not stay in touch with your friends, we will outreach ® you,” said Malachi Goikochea, Sr. VP for Branding, Positioning and Framing.

Established in 1926 Harris Harassment is a world-leader Friendship Maintenance Consultant, bothering and badgering non-communicative and non-responsive friends for clients across the globe.

 

Vincent Positano now Sr. VP for Collections

Harris Harassment, (HHH NYSE) is pleased to announce that Vincent Positano has been promoted to Sr. Vice President for Collections at Harris Harassment.  Vincent has been with harris since 1998.  Before that he was a fellow at the American Entropy Institute.

Established in 1926 Harris Harassment is a world-leader Friendship Maintenance Consultant, bothering and badgering non-communicative and non-responsive freinds for clients across the globe.

 

Belated Bloomsday Twiterature

The Definitive Indefinite Article: We temporarily  interrupt this long hiatus to belatedly fulfill our commitment to our annual Bloomsday Twiterature installment.

The Patient Reader: I was wondering if you would ever come back to get around to that.

TDIA: Well it has been very busy over at the Sister ship of The Brothers’ Lot and then , well I got sidetracked watching Rory McIlroy winning the US golf Open and then I was on the radio on Bloomsday and…

The Patient Reader: I heard you.  I fully understand and am delighted to see you back,  I was up until all hours watching the golf myself.

TDIA: So here goes.  The story so far:

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came across from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:–_Introibo ad altare Dei_.  Ha

The Patient Reader: Right.  I’m with you.

TDIA: And this is 2011’s offering:

lted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely: Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit! Solemnly he came forward

The Patient Reader: Ah, that’s lovely.  It’s really starting to pick up steam.  I can’t wait for next year.

TDIA: But wait!  This year it is actually on Twitter too. 

The Patient Reader: You don’t say!

TDIA: I do! @KevinHolohan is pushing it out any minute now.

The Patient Reader: Ah that’s marvellous!.  In a strangely self-referential kind of way.

TDIA: The times we live in.

The Patient Reader: Indeed.  Oops here’s me boss!  Back to my spreadsheet. [Alt+Tab.  Exit.]

TDIA: Goodluck now.

 

Drastic Cutbacks

Due to drastic cutbacks at The Definitive Indefinite Article broadcasting on this channel is temporarily suspended and all our resources will be concentrated on our sistership over beyond at The Brothers’ Lot.  Please follow the link.

http://thebrotherslot.wordpress.com/

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

Happy New Year to All of Our Readers

All three of ye.  Here’s to two weeks of writing last January’s dates before denial subsides and we all let 2011 in the door.  The European Central Wank (sic) has threatened to devalue the year so it may actually end up being 2003.756234.  So happy whatever it turns out to be.

 

Samuel Beckett Still Dead!

It is that time of year again when we recycle this post.  Today December 22nd in 1989, Samuel Beckett died.  Since then he has fast been acquiring an “honoured name.”  Is that Hell?  

Roundelay

on all that strand
at end of day
steps sole sound
long sole sound
until unbidden stay
then no sound
on all that strand
long no sound
until unbidden go
steps sole sound
long sole sound
on all that strand
at end of day 

-Samuel Beckett (1906-1989)

 

Data Shredding? The Mind Boggles.

I just saw a truck n the street emblazoned with the sign “DATA SHREDDING SERVICES.”  How exactly to you shred data?  I undestand the princiles of shredding paper but data?

Maybe you take a simple statement like “8 out of 10 cats prefer tuna to chicken” shove it into a big noisy contraption and hit the switch and out comes:

“Feline bootstrap randomization intervals using bias corrected seafood percentiles indicate a regressive boxplot of Poisson regression models for which a non-linear U-shaped relation was seen.  Locally weighted regression indicates recursive tendencies in the log-linear in the predictor variables.”

But what about the other 2 cats, you might ask?  I believe they were collaterally negligated in the excessive whining and grinding of gears as the data got shredded.

 

We Got What We Paid For!

Small Investors thank Hedge Fund Runners

You will probably have a hard time remembering Jai-Alai 3Card Monty Bourse Bigote de Barcelona.   (A quick search of this locus for Jai alai will quickly refresh your memory).  Their financial wizardry landed them in regulatory difficulties and they took many of their boutique financial instruments such as their Poverty Deflate Swaps off the market.

During the recent socialist, liberal, effete, elitist witch-hunt Jai-Ala had been quietly working behnd the scenes through its political foundations, pouring millions into the election campaigns of willing and compliant “politicians” who will now create a more hopspitable environment for the kind of go-getting entrepreneurship that made Jai-Alai 3Card Monty Bourse de Barcelona the giant it once was.

Stand by for the launch of Real Income Erosion Futures and  Class-based Asset Class Repurchase Bonds as soon as the richest 2% are relieved of the heinous burden of having to pay their own electric bills.

 

REAL Campaign Finance Reform

We work for you!

The Hooker Streetcorner Bill currently before the US Congress would radically reform how political campaigns are financed.  John Hooker (R) and Harriet Streetcorner (D) co-sponsored this bill in the hope it would “bring transparency and accountability to how our elections work and for whom they work.”

The bill would

•        Ensure that each campaign contributor be acknowledged on the representative’s attire in a manner proportional to their monetary backing of that representative
•        Apportion one day a year each to the hundred (100) largest aggregate contributors to the houses of congress when they may fly their corporate flag over the houses of congress.  These days shall be known and Johns’ Days.

 

“We hope that this bill will demonstrate to the American People ® that transparency is our top priority.  Now you will not just be able to read a politician’s lips you will be able to read his or her clothes and know exactly whose best interests are being represented.” added Representative Hooker.

 

Rev Ian Paisley becomes Zen Master

To the tumultuous sound of one hand clapping the Reverend Ian Paisley, founder of the Free Presbyterian Church, will protest the visit of Pope Benedict to the United Kingdom in order to show support for the victims of clerical abuse.

Said Gusty McGlinchey, founder of the North Antrim Centre for Non-Attachment and propreitor of Gouging Gusty’s Norn Iron Do Jo :

It has taken many years of study and practice to come up with a way to both attack and defend Taigs, uhm, Catholics at the same time.  We believe this exercise should only be attempted by true adepts.  Others may suffer internal organ damage from the strains of inner moral torque.

 

Basquing in Victory

Since the World Cup final Ole Ole Ole The Definitive Indefinite Article has been drinking round the clock with its Iberian counterpart El Articulo Indefinido Definitivo. This we can do with a clear conscience knowing that our fatuousness and silliness will be more than adequately covered by the soi-disant Mainstream Meeja in its silly season mode. We have just discovered 12 bottles of Patxaran in the behind the kitchen door in Unai’’s house so it may be some time before we reappear.
Agur!

 

Prime Minister Apologizes to Osric of Wessex

 

Osric The Unhinged son of Ethelgulf the Lapdancer

The Intrusive Reader: Did you read about this?

TDIA: WHAT are you doing in here?  Can’t you see I’m watching the world cup?

The Intrusive Reader: Recording the games, are you?  You’re way behind.  No need to bother watching that one – Mexico beat France handily.

[Groans from the cheap seats at the back of the gallery]

TDIA: Handily?

The Intrusive Reader: Handball.  Thierry Henry?  Remember?

TDIA: Right.   So did I read about what?

The Intrusive Reader: The Prime Minister of England just issued an apology to King Osric the Unhinged of the Jutes saying that the attack on their camp in Wessex in 822 was “unprovoked” and “regrettable.” and that the initial Drudgery Report in 824 was completley inadequate.

TDIA: Are you sure about that?

The Intrusive Reader: Something along those lines I’m sure.

TDIA: Maybe it’s the Bloody Sunday report your thinking of?

The Intrusive Reader: Ah yes that would be it!  Still better late than never, eh?

TDIA: True enough.  At least it came around quicker that a repeat World Cup win.  44 years and counting.  I’ d hate to be wating that long.

 

FIFA Reverses Ivory Coast Decision

In an unprecedented move, the Pugnacious Arts Section of FIFA (Floundering In Football Administration) released the following statement exclusively to The Definitive Indefinite Article:

In light of recent considerations, we have decided to rescind the Psychotic Bastard Skinhead Award we earlier awarded to the Ivory Coast.

This comes on the heels of the discovery of the Cruyff Total Football Invisibility Shield that the Dutch team have been deploying on the field.  This shield creates a National Stereotype Enhancement Effect that prevents officials and pundits from noticing that, the Dutch are, in fact, a fascinatingly cynical and dirty team.

We wish to get this award rectified before the semi-final to avoid any charges on hopping on any band wagons.  We regret that we have been blinded by Cruyff metaphors and lazy punditry and hope this will settle the matter.

 

Ivory Coast wins FIFA’s Psychotic Bastard Skinhead Award 2010

After an all night session the Pugnacious Arts Section of FIFA (Floundering In Football Administration) released the following statement exclusively to The Definitive Indefinite Article:

In previous World Cups we have waited until the end of the tournament to award the Psychotic Bastard Skinhead Award but we feel that this year the Ivory Coast selection in today’s game against Brazil produced a display of vicious kicking and career-ending tackles that we unlikely to see again in this tournament.  In light of this display of unbridled and unthinking violence we feel that we can safely say the Psychotic Skinhead Award for 2010 has found an indisputable winner.  Nothing shot of two teams taking to the field with 4×2′s could rival this.

Said a veteran observer of Glasgow Celtic vs. Rangers games:

Usually when a team starts kicking the shit out of another there is some tactical reason for it, this was so devoid of any tactical motive as to border on post modern art.  The more they fouled, the less time they had to try to get a goal back.  It was almost as much pure art as the collective self immolation by sulking of the French team.